Too Afraid To Ask

For me It is a combination of seeing my self as ugly and hating my fat body. Sometimes I wished I didn't have a sex drive or was a woman. But I know all of that is from trauma. It seems to me that people's definitions of man and woman are more a collection of stereotypes than reality. If one doesn't fit the definition than their definition isn't broad enough.

There were times where I was more boyish, and times where I liked being girly. On average I prefer being boyish but mostly because I don't want to make an effort to fulfil the expectations of being girly - I can't really bring myself to care about fashion, makeup, hairdos and all that. I never really had a problem with the body I was born with. I never wanted to have a dick. All in all I just don't want to have any work with looking a certain way or defining my identity around bodily characteristics.

Then again, while not caring at all about which body I happen to have been born into, I find the inner limitations of having been brought up as a woman really problematic - the making oneself smaller, learning how to be quiet and demure, the not being as convinced of oneself as guys tend to be, the not being taken seriously. But that's nothing to do with the body and everything to do with the mind and my upbringing.

"Normal" doesn't matter, "normal" is what most people do, it's according to the norm, it's not a synonym for "good" or "healthy". Wishing you had different external gender characteristics may not be "normal" but that doesn't mean it's bad if you do. Just that the average (cis) person doesn't feel that way. I personally sometimes think it would be nice to not be treated as "female" but as "default" (which is male, let's be honest) but the reasons are societal rather than any inherent discomfort with my own body.