Lemmy, I have a problem. I fuck up social interactions incredibly frequently, far more often and severely than others do.
I will be speaking what I feel is casually and consistently, and the person I am speaking with will suddenly have a significant change in their demeanor and speech. It both makes me feel bad that they react this way and frustrates me that I made an incorrect interaction.
This doesn't really occur with people I don't know well. Rather, it occurs with the people I spend the most time with...my coworkers. I am forced to interact with them all day due to my specific job. With one of them, I would consider them to be my only friend.
I have noticed that they all have specific unspoken "triggers" of speech or behavior that I need to minimize or hide when in front of them. But there are always instances where I cannot recognize a pattern. And even when I can kind of figure out a pattern, I sometimes fail to implement it.
You know the phrase, "think before you speak" right? But how the hell does one apply that to large swaths of conversations that occur all day long? It would be incredibly jarring and odd for me to make large pauses between each and every sentence I make. Is there a better shortcut to this?
Here are some examples of "off limits" speech/behavior patterns that I have noticed among various people:
Coworker 1 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), making a workplace error, anxious body language (this one is particularly difficult)
Coworker 2 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), statements that are too negative, offering to let them leave work early
Coworker 3 - statements that are too negative, mentioning my dad, statements that may give them too much anxiety (sometimes difficult to discern), talking about coworker 1 too much in a negative way (even tho we both think coworker 1 is a removed)
Coworker 3 also has repeatedly told me that I can come to them with issues, but they always get upset if I say something too negative. They seem to occasionally ask me trick questions too like "are you ok?" even though I know I'm not supposed to answer truthfully. I don't understand this behavior or how to deal with it.
Coworker 4 - talking too much in general about any topic (they would just prefer I shut up tbh unless there is zero work)
Yes, there is some overlap among them, but they still have a lot of differences that are difficult for me to discern.
I mean, I guess the "easiest" solution would to try to never talk again outside of any speech that is immediately necessary to do my job. Coworker 4 essentially does this. But it is tricky to do and a bit depressing. As a human (I think??), I am unfortunately a social creature. And it does get a bit frustrating that I can't be authentically me.
Would appreciate some guidance. Sorry for the long post and thanks if you stuck around this far!
I think you might be pretty close to the answer here: small talk. Conversation about stuff that isn't going to make anyone uncomfortable. People at work aren't friends, but you're stuck spending lots of time with them, so try to find topics you're all happy discussing.
So:
It depends how you phrase this. Generally, admitting weakness isn't something I'd do around coworkers, unless you're putting limits on what you'll do ("I don't like closing up, I'd prefer not to") or looking for help ("I want to get better at X, can you tell me how?"). But that depends on the person.
Yeah. At work, be positive or don't go into the topic. If you think a coworker dislikes a thing and you want to bond over hating it, don't go first, get them to show you how far they're willing to go, then don't go further.
I dunno what to say about this. Ask for help at getting better? Apologize for screwing up? Otherwise I wouldn't mention it again.
Again, keep conversation positive and light. If you're bitching about your dad, don't. If you're saying what a great guy he is and they still get uncomfortable, just avoid the topic.
Don't do this. In the best case scenario, you bond over hating a coworker. In the worst case, the workplace becomes toxic. Accept that you're stuck dealing with coworker 1 and move on. At most, acknowledge that coworker 1 can be difficult, but move on.
So. Smalltalk. Find stuff to talk about that nobody is gonna have strong negative reactions to: TV, streamers, sports, weather, traffic/transit, local events, weekend activities, happy family events. Avoid stuff that people have strong negative reactions to: politics, religion, painful topics, suffering, etc.
No, I fuck up even in small talk. For example, we were talking about supplements and exercising one day.
Coworker 2: Yeah, running a 10 minute mile is easy. Anyone can do it.
Me (a slow runner): What??? Idk dude that is kind of hard for me.
Coworker 2: Well for some people walking is healthier than running!
Me: What??? Ok sure, Coworker 2
Coworker 2: (angrily shuts down and refuses to say anything else to me for several hours even after I apologize)
Coworker 2 being angry with me was one thing. But I felt bad because coworker 3 was also chatting and it meant that they no longer got to speak either because coworker 2 was so mad.
Small talk with coworker 1 doesn't work at all because they will randomly randomly act condescending to you when you make a joke or say something that doesn't land exactly with them. It's a bit demoralizing so I try to interact with coworker 1 the least.
I don't outright tell coworkers 1 and 2 that I am anxious. But I will sometimes obsess over certain work things that I am anxious about and they get wise to it and get upset with me...even if what I am specifically doing to them is apologizing for acting weird because I was simply anxious.
I had considered coworker 3 to be my friend a bit tbh. But that is not supposed to be the case, right? We are not supposed to be friends or anything. I am supposed to find friends elsewhere and not think of them that way, right?
If people want to discuss serious topics with me then I'm just not supposed to contribute, right??
.
...so are you coworker 1? Lol
I get that I am truly a horrible person, truly. I struggle with that every day. I did try to apologize to my coworker in that instance, but they were not at all receptive to it. Usually the things that I say that get reactions like that are much more innocuous...like letting coworker 2 know that they can leave early (we are salaried and still get a full days pay if we leave early). Or apologizing to coworker 2 that I was freaking out about a work related task simply because I was anxious about it.
But no, coworker 1 is on a level that is difficult for me to describe. Coworker 1 causes issues with almost everyone they come in contact with including the leaders of many different departments. It has been so bad with coworker 1 that they have made me think that I was going to get fired and/or made me want to quit my job. Coworker 1 has had multiple complaints filed against them to HR by multiple different people. To my knowledge, that has not occurred on my end at all.
So coworker 1 is a bit dangerous to interact with, hence many of us do so minimally.
Look, communicating awkwardly doesn't make you a horrible person. I think part of it is you have a confidence problem. It sounds like you always cowtow to your coworkers' reactions, even going so far as apologizing when you haven't objectively done anything wrong (your responses don't seem that weird, but maybe it is the way you say things). It seems odd to me that anyone would be offended by an offer to go home early, unless you're making it seem like you specifically don't want them to be around.
At the end of the day, your coworkers are just people with their own issues and imperfections. They are probably not experts at communication either, so don't treat them as such. I would not take any social cues from coworker 1.
You may not be able to change the dynamic at work, so my advice is to find a way to socialize outside of work (with people who actually like & respect you!). That way you won't have to rely on your workplace for those needs.