cross-posted from: https://beehaw.org/post/19420914
Trying to understand why I had these opinions, I recalled how much different being a man felt at 18 versus 28. I had no money which I presumed meant I had no value to the opposite sex. I wanted the company of women and girls, but I also resented them because I lacked experience in dating and my few experiences were rocky. A lot of magazines and headlines focused on the shortcomings of men and boys in the early 2010s, and it was easy for me to get negatively polarized into thinking it was a personal attack. Academic feminism did and does a much better job explaining patriarchy better than blogs and news sites which boiled down systems of sexism to individual behaviors.
My experience as a resentful teen boy wasn’t unique. It’s the same experience that millions of boys are going through, which they’d ordinarily grow out of by the time they hit their twenties. In my case, it was happening during a period of social revolution on gender and during an evolution in mass communications. Many of these early communities on Atheism, which captured me for their sensibility and anti-orthodoxy, evolved into anti-progressivism and eventually evolved into the Redpill and Manosphere which is how millions of young boys today engage with their gender. At least my period in this mindset was short lived: about two years. By the time 2016 rolled around, I had clearly lost interest in online gender wars as tyranny seemed a greater threat. I was now 24 and actively attending college; I had plenty of friendships and dating experiences with women, and that teenage resentment was forgotten.
The big crisis we’re dealing with today is that the resentment is not only not expiring when men get into their twenties, but it’s being weaponized globally by parties against men’s material interests. What young boys like me didn’t realize when we were being lectured about patriarchy and the problems of men, is that being a man is an extremely privileged position over women, we’re just not old enough to benefit from it yet. This presents a problem on how we teach oppression and discrimination to young people who have little autonomy of their own and feel bad when you imply your immutable characteristics harm people you seek validation from.
There were some good points made, but I don't know that this is one of them. Households with a son and daughter will still often have gender-segregated household chores for the children. The daughter will do the dishes and the son will take out trash. Different curfews or restrictions and different "talks". Educators are generally more understanding with disruptive boys. Maybe he did not personally recognize or experience these differences, but they are present from the very beginning.
Other than that, the advice is generally "engage with different people" and that's been pretty standard for a while, often derisively as "touch grass" or being accused of having "terminally online" takes. He also states that trumps policies are worse for men, but honestly it depends on your perspective. Clearly a lot of men are willing to sacrifice to avoid examining their positions, so if I'm a man unwilling to have my beliefs challenged, I'd rather live in trumps America where women will have to marry me because they can no longer have jobs or bank accounts then spend the time improving myself to become a worthy partner and potentially never getting there.
I am not saying that the patriarchy doesnt run deep even at that age. I'm saying that it is different and those differences are not usually what is presented to anyone at that age.
In primary school, from a dating scene perspective, girls have much more control and choice (I mean, in situations where they are not actively oppressed by family/government/etc, which again, boys are not likely exposed to). When boys are presented with explainations of the patriarchy that absolutely do not jive with the feelings of inadequacy they likely have, they probably throw out the whole idea.
I also agree that "touch-grass" is bad advice, since if that was an option, it probably would have happened already.
Solution-wise, I would love to see an organization partner with xbox/playstation online services and have problematic players referred to counseling to correct these issues (and to get their accounts unbanned).
Sadly I think you are right and some groups are totally on board with more oppression as a means to force women into situations with them. Sigh.
I wasn't intending to imply you said anything, but the author states "we’re just not old enough to benefit from it yet" and that in itself is emblematic of a big issue when it comes to patriarchy and any other power structures. It's difficult for people to identify it, since it becomes so ingrained.
Young boys benefit from it, but are also restricted by it, and there's a lot of discussion about that too. Girls being told to "make me a sandwich" (or insert generationally relevant sexist remark) or being sexually harassed at school, and boys being told not to cry or that their interests are "gay" are both examples that I often see emphasized when talking to kids.
I think the author overlooking how boys benefit is part of the problem. These early issues need to be acknowledged and discussed because they help build a foundation of solidarity. If young boys are taught to notice these inequalities early, then they will be more open and able to notice them later. It will also help humanize their classmates.
I hate that all of these discussions inevitably lead to "dating". This is not directed at you, just the issue in general. Girls are generally the ones engaging in selection, yes, but the fact that this is the issue is kind of the problem in itself. Boys are not owed a girlfriend and their self worth should not be tied to having one. If they have feelings of inadequacy, they will not be solved by getting into a romantic relationship. I feel like no one is talking about why these young boys are striving for romantic relationships to the point that they feel like failures without one. Society is telling boys that they need to value themselves based on their ability to obtain women. This is not a dating market issue. It's a self esteem/self worth issue, and women are neither the cause nor the solution.
"Touch grass" etc is not at its core bad advice, it just feels hostile and is more difficult than the alternative (doing nothing). Having IRL friends and engaging in activities locally is a great way to build confidence and self worth, but it's not as fun to start as a video game. I don’t know how the partnership you're suggesting would work, but I think therapy in general is good, and serves as a kind of alternative to building community, because you get a confidant that provides some pushback the way a normal and diverse friend group might. It's a good option, but I think less alienation in general is always a good way to build a robust defense to bigotry.