Linux

#!/bin/bash
# announces success or failure of task

if ! command -v "spd-say" > /dev/null
then
    echo "spd-say must be installed."
    exit -1
fi

VOLUME=0
SERIOUS=1
FINISH_ONLY=0

if [ $# -ge 2 ]
then
    if [ $1 == "-i" ]
    then
        # parse volume from command line
        VOLUME=$2
        shift 2
    fi
fi

spd-say -C

# force stop speech synthesizer
killall -q speech-dispatcher

# androgynous voice
# __sayfn="spd-say -i -80 -t female3"

# deep voice
__sayfn="spd-say -i $VOLUME -r -10 -p -100 -t male3"

function _sayfn {
    $__sayfn "$@" 2>/dev/null
    if [ $? -ne 0 ]
    then
        $__sayfn "$@"
    fi
}

if [ $# -eq 0 ] || [ "$1" == "--help" ]
then
    _sayfn "Directive required."
    echo "Usage: please [-i volume] [-s|--serious] [-f|--finish] <command...>"
    echo "       please [-i volume] --say text"
    echo "       -i: volume in range -100 to +100"
    echo "       --serious, -s: no silliness. Serious only. (Just kidding.)"
    echo "       --finish, -f: do not announce start"
    exit -2
fi

# threading issue
sleep 0.001

if [ $# -ge 2 ]
then
    if [ $1 == "--say" ]
    then
        # _sayfn the given line
        shift 1
        _sayfn "$@"
        exit 0
    fi

    if [ $1 == "--serious" ] || [ $1 == "-s" ]
    then
        shift 1
        SERIOUS=0
    fi
    
    if [ $1 == "--finish" ] || [ $1 == "-f" ]
    then
        shift 1
        FINISH_ONLY=1
    fi
fi

i=$(shuf -n1 -e "." "!") # inflection on voice

if [ "$FINISH_ONLY" -eq 0 ]
then
    if [ "$SERIOUS" -eq 0 ]
    then
        # startup lines (randomized for character)
        _sayfn -r -5 -x ".<break time=\"60ms\"/>$(shuf -n1 -e \
            'Proceeding As Directed...' \
            'By your command...' \
            'By your command...' \
            'By the power ov greyskaall!' \
            'By your command,line...' \
            'As you wish...' \
            'Stand by.' \
            'Engaged...' \
            'Initializing...' \
            'Activating' \
            'At once!' \
            "Post Haste$i" \
            'it shall be done immediately' \
            'Very well.' \
            'It shall be so.' \
            "righty-o$i" \
            "Affirmative$i" \
            "Acknowledged$i" \
            "Confirmed$i" \
        )"
    else
        _sayfn -r -5 -x ".<break time=\"60ms\"/>Engaged..."
    fi

    if [ $? -ne 0 ]
    then
        _sayfn "Speech engine failure."
        echo "Failed to run speech engine. Cancelling task."
        exit -3
    fi
fi

if ! command -v "$1" > /dev/null
then
    # _sayfn a little faster because this exits fast.
    _sayfn -r +10 "Unable to comply? invalid command."
    >&2 echo "$1: command not found."
    exit -4
fi

eval " $@"
result=$?
i=$(shuf -n1 -e "," "!" "?") # inflection on voice
transition=$(shuf -n1 -e "; error" ", with error" "; status")
taskname=$(shuf -n1 -e "task" "task" "command" "objective" "mission" "procedure" "routine")
errtext=$(shuf -n1 -e "Task_failed" "Task_failed" "Task_resulted_in_failure" "Procedure_terminated_in_an_error" "An_error_has_occurred" "Auxilliary_system_failure" "system_failure")
consolation=$(shuf -n1 -e "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "Attention required." "Attention is required!" "Perhaps It was inevitable." "It may or may not be cause for alarm." "Perhaps Machines too, are fallible." "Apologies" "Hopefully nobody else was watching" "shazbot" "maybe next time." "Nobody could have predicted this outcome." "I'm very sorry." "how unfortunate." "remember: don't panic" "oh dear" "Nothing could have been done to prevent this" "Remember: No disasters are fully preventable" "perhaps the only winning move is not to play" "Remember: Failure is our teacher, not our undertaker." "Remember: If at first you don't succeed... try again." "Remember: If at first you don't succeed... try... try again." "But your friends still love you." "Remember: the machine is not your enemy." "Command?" "Awaiting further instructions." "Remember: Logic is the beginning of wisdom... not the end of it." "Remember: When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." "Keep at it. Victory is within reach." "Remember: The road to success and the road to failure are almost exactly the same." "Now, while this could have gone better, it could also have gone much worse." "Remember: we do this not because it is easy, but because we thought it was going to be easy." "Don't give up." "It has now been... -- zero... -- days, since the last serious failure." "Remember: instead of documenting the problem, you can fix it." "Remember: Artificial intelligence is no match for artificial stupidity." "Standing by," "Remember: with every failure, we get closer to success." "We live in a society." "sometimes failure is not an option; it's a necessity." "Keep at it." "Remember: mistakes are just the first step on the road to failure... <break time=\"250ms\"/> I mean success." "Don't leave. The drones need you... <break time=\"350ms\"/> They look up to you." "Try again, for great justice." "fantastic" "brilliant" "did you really think that would work?")

if [ $SERIOUS -eq 0 ]
then
    # perhaps some silliness.
    if [ $result -eq 0 ]
    then
        _sayfn --wait "$(shuf -n1 -e \
           "$taskname complete. All systems nominal" \
           "$taskname completed successfully." \
           "$taskname resulted in success." \
           "$taskname yielded a successful result." \
           "$taskname concluded successfully." \
           "$taskname completed as instructed." \
           "Jobs done." \
        )" &
    else
        if [ $result -eq 1 ]
        then
            _sayfn -x --wait "$(shuf -n1 -e \
               "Alert$i Primary system failure. Attention is required." \
               "Alert$i System failure$i Attention required! $consolation" \
               "Alert$i $taskname resulted in failure! <break time=\"150ms\"/> $consolation" \
               "Alert$i $taskname was not completed as intended; $consolation" \
               "Alert$i An error has occurred! <break time=\"220ms\"/> $consolation" \
            )" &
           
        else
            _sayfn --wait -x "Alert$i $errtext$transition code $result! <break time=\"350ms\"/> $consolation" &
        fi
    fi
else
    # no silliness here.
    if [ $result -eq 0 ]
    then
        _sayfn --wait "Command complete."
    else
        if [ $result -eq 1 ]
        then
            _sayfn -x --wait "Alert. Command failed; error code $result!"
        fi
    fi
fi

exit $result