this post was submitted on 13 Jul 2025
117 points (95.3% liked)
Mental Health
5641 readers
128 users here now
Welcome
This is a safe place to discuss, vent, support, and share information about mental health, illness, and wellness.
Thank you for being here. We appreciate who you are today. Please show respect and empathy when making or replying to posts.
If you need someone to talk to, @therapygary@lemmy.blahaj.zone has kindly given his signal username to talk to: TherapyGary13.12
Rules
The rules for posting and commenting, besides the rules defined here for lemmy.world, are as follows:
- No promoting paid services/products.
- Be kind and civil. No bigotry/prejudice either.
- No victim blaming. Nor giving incredibly simplistic solutions (i.e. You have ADHD? Just focus easier.)
- No encouraging suicide, no matter what. This includes telling someone to commit homicide as "dragging them down with you".
- Suicide note posts will be removed, and you will be reached out to in private.
- If you would like advice, mention the country you are in. (We will not assume the US as the default.)
If BRIEF mention of these topics is an important part of your post, please flag your post as NSFW and include a (trigger warning: suicide, self-harm, death, etc.)in the title so that other readers who may feel triggered can avoid it. Please also include a trigger warning on all comments mentioning these topics in a post that was not already tagged as such.
Partner Communities
To partner with our community and be included here, you are free to message the current moderators or comment on our pinned post.
Becoming a Mod
Some moderators are mental health professionals and some are not. All are carefully selected by the moderation team and will be actively monitoring posts and comments. If you are interested in joining the team, you can send a message to @fxomt@lemmy.dbzer0.com.
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
Oof this one hits hard. I was the golden child. My brother was the troublemaker. With time he learned that he had to fight back to survive in our family.... and he's been fighting everyone since and listens to noone but himself.
He's not okay. He fulfilled the prophecy my parents and grandparents set in motion for him from birth, just because I was a more dull kid.
I was the troublemaker in mind. What was being the golden child like?
Because I was the quieter more obedient child, I would get compliments raining down on me in full view of my brother who'd get none. I always felt uneasy about it, but couldn't put feelings to words at that age, especially since I was being rewarded by it.
If there was ever a conflict between me and my brother, my mum and nan would immediately take my side, even if my side made no sense. As we entered our tweens, I realised I could win any argument by simply behaving better and letting him act out in front of parents.
One of my worst memories is the sound of him crying after some disagreement, as he often would, but this time it wasn't the cry of someone who felt wronged or of someone crying to appeal to others -- it was the cry of someone who realized that they could never be right, no matter how wrong the other person was. That shit still haunts me.
After that point I stopped engaging in passive manipulation with my enablers, and tried to stop myself from engaging in hollow victories over him. We gave each other a lot of space during that time, and found a balance where we could co-exist.
But I think the damage was done already, since in adulthood he has a hard time of letting things go and has a very strong sense of his own personal justice which makes him somewhat needlessly confrontational. My own damage is that I never developed real critical thought until my thirties, and I let things go way too easily if it personally benefits me, even if it harms others.
I've spoken to my mum about all this as an adult, and she expresses tons of regret. She was just making do with the best that she could at the time whilst her husband was off doing god knows what, and her own over-bearing mother was around to criticise everything she did.
You just have to forgive it and move on, and I've done so, but my brother hasn't and how could he.
How's it with you? What scars did they etch into your psyche?
That's a really interesting comment, thanks for writing that out. You've shown a lot of insight into yourself, and how it's put you in thought processes which were bad for you and other people. Kids believe what they're taught and you've done well not ending up believing you're above others.
Being a scapegoat was rough, everything was my fault and I knew it was unfair eg being accused of things it was impossible for me to do. It made it hard to understand when I genuinely was wrong and made me really angry. It also meant I was always anxious and had awful self esteem.
Worst thing about it is I bullied my younger sibling, cos I was so angry they got loved and I got blamed for their mistakes. I was really nasty to them, and we have no relationship now. I'm zero contact with family partly cos they'll always see everything as my fault, and I can't live with that.
On the plus side I'm in tune to other people's feelings, I can pick up on warning signs well and I always want to help people. I'm a domestic abuse outreach worker so there's a lot of kids that don't have as bad experiences as you and me did, which is the most important thing.
It sounds like you've got a lot of insight in to yourself too - talking to you now, I find it hard to believe you would bully anyone. But I've seen how family dynamics can drive that kind of behaviour, especially since you know that something is wrong with the situation but you don't necessarily have the perspective at that tender age to see where the abuse is actually coming.
I can imagine that doing an incredible number on your head, and props to you for rising out of that anger and anxiety and lending a hand to those who need it. I hope your younger sibling can with time understand that the injustice of your caregivers were the main driving force.
Hard to forgive what you can't forget though. My brother hasn't spoken to us in several years, but it actually makes me feel a bit warm to hear your perspective and knowing that he might actually be okay - thriving even - without us.
This all reminds me of one of my favourite comic strips: https://pbfcomics.com/comics/trauma-trooper/
That comic was a roller coaster! I really like it thanks.
And yes that's exactly what it was, I knew SOMETHING was wrong but at that age you can't work it out.
It's entirely possible your brother is doing great, people often just avoid the bad memories family bring up. Siblings are the longest relationship people usually have, and there's always hope. Bottom line is you and me turned out to be the kind of people that would have protected us when we were younger and that's the greatest thing either of us could ever be
Oh definitely - amen to that
Both of you are saints.
That's really kind of you thanks 😊