The Onion

Yeah. I actually watched the video of him being shot and the statements about him being in "critical condition" were clearly just "we don't want to admit he's dead yet." Not a video for the faint of heart. The shot blew open his neck arteries, I've never seen a fountain of chunky salsa like that in a real-life video before. And he instantly went into the "fencing response" pose, which is also a terrible sign in its own right even without the blood fountain. There were medical professionals commenting over on Reddit that if he'd been shot like that while he was lying on an operating table with a team of surgeons standing around him ready to get to work he still wouldn't have made it.