thats very valid and understandable. im not gonna try and tell you how to fix it because i genuinely have no clue, but i will say i think that scene from Avatar The Last Airbender about clogged chakras is very enlightening. The past two years i was in a terrible, slow depression spiral due to burning myself out of tech and cybersecurity. I stopped working on my homelab, i stopped doing pretty much all my schoolwork, and my work was suffering. i barely managed to maintain my work enough to not get put on an improvement plan, but my boss was definitely picking up on my poor performance. about a year ago i got into raving and that was grear except for that fact i dove into it as a form of escapism. i threw myself into partying, drugs, and sex to procrastinate on and shirk my responsibilities. this led to me failing all my classes for what was supposed to be my last term of uni, and it just consumed my entire life. combined with an unhealthy relationship that brought me to my breaking point, i had to accept that something was off and seriously wrong. i was developing a bad drug abuse problem and was isolating myself more and more from the people that loved me, which was something i was used to and would do periodically. combined with the US imploding in on itself, my mental health was quite possibly the worst it had since I was a young kid, and maybe even the worst its ever been.

these past few months I've realized im trans and have begun making progress on transitioning. i opened up to my parents about my drug abuse and transitioning, and as ive gone along this journey it just feels like more and more who i am is unclogging and flowing downstream. I'm happier, more content, and actually handling my responsibilities (mostly). im getting more involved in ny local community so that the headlines don't kill me as much, and I'm consistently communicating and reaching out to the peopke that are important to me. these past few days even ive finally started working on tech projects again for the first time in 2 years and am happy to say my homelab is getting the TLC it deserves. i am also finally looking into getting medicated for my ADHD, although time will tell if I stick with it as I personally love the raw, unfiltered chaos that is my brain (but im gonna give it a fair shake).

I guess im writing this to say that I don't know what will help you, but it sounds like you got a lot of gunk gumming up and blocking your pools of flowing water. i haven't a clue what will help clear that up tbh; maybe its medications, maybe it's your environment, maybe you also are in the closet without realizing it. but i think if you can at least start to figure out whats blocking you, then the path forward will unfold itself. i wish you the best of luck on your joruney, friend. It's dangerous to go alone, take this: <3

ETA: i still rave, party, fuck, and do drugs. I just don't let it consume my everything. I wouldn't have figured out who I was without raving, it was just a necessary step in my journey that has brought me to very high highs and very low lows.