this post was submitted on 03 Jun 2025
185 points (96.0% liked)

No Stupid Questions

41383 readers
1045 users here now

No such thing. Ask away!

!nostupidquestions is a community dedicated to being helpful and answering each others' questions on various topics.

The rules for posting and commenting, besides the rules defined here for lemmy.world, are as follows:

Rules (interactive)


Rule 1- All posts must be legitimate questions. All post titles must include a question.

All posts must be legitimate questions, and all post titles must include a question. Questions that are joke or trolling questions, memes, song lyrics as title, etc. are not allowed here. See Rule 6 for all exceptions.



Rule 2- Your question subject cannot be illegal or NSFW material.

Your question subject cannot be illegal or NSFW material. You will be warned first, banned second.



Rule 3- Do not seek mental, medical and professional help here.

Do not seek mental, medical and professional help here. Breaking this rule will not get you or your post removed, but it will put you at risk, and possibly in danger.



Rule 4- No self promotion or upvote-farming of any kind.

That's it.



Rule 5- No baiting or sealioning or promoting an agenda.

Questions which, instead of being of an innocuous nature, are specifically intended (based on reports and in the opinion of our crack moderation team) to bait users into ideological wars on charged political topics will be removed and the authors warned - or banned - depending on severity.



Rule 6- Regarding META posts and joke questions.

Provided it is about the community itself, you may post non-question posts using the [META] tag on your post title.

On fridays, you are allowed to post meme and troll questions, on the condition that it's in text format only, and conforms with our other rules. These posts MUST include the [NSQ Friday] tag in their title.

If you post a serious question on friday and are looking only for legitimate answers, then please include the [Serious] tag on your post. Irrelevant replies will then be removed by moderators.



Rule 7- You can't intentionally annoy, mock, or harass other members.

If you intentionally annoy, mock, harass, or discriminate against any individual member, you will be removed.

Likewise, if you are a member, sympathiser or a resemblant of a movement that is known to largely hate, mock, discriminate against, and/or want to take lives of a group of people, and you were provably vocal about your hate, then you will be banned on sight.



Rule 8- All comments should try to stay relevant to their parent content.



Rule 9- Reposts from other platforms are not allowed.

Let everyone have their own content.



Rule 10- Majority of bots aren't allowed to participate here. This includes using AI responses and summaries.



Credits

Our breathtaking icon was bestowed upon us by @Cevilia!

The greatest banner of all time: by @TheOneWithTheHair!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
 

My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant. Huge scandal; mom was very angry. Now they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings. Mom moved out, the other woman moved in and I chose to stay with him because we’re super close; he’s like my best friend. Now mom’s telling me to go and live with her and go no contact with him cause he’s a bad person and by continuing having a relationship with him I’m condoning his actions and “ignoring her suffering”. My relationship with my dad hasn’t changed, I don’t see why I should end it.

(page 2) 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] Freshparsnip@lemm.ee 12 points 1 week ago

What your dad did was wrong and it's understandable your mom would want to end her relationship with him, however that is between them and you should not have to end your relationship with him over it

[–] andrewta@lemmy.world 12 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Tell your mom you and her need to go to a therapist. Maybe a therapist can help to figure out how to move forward. Then tell your dad the same thing.

Maybe some of what was going on behind the scene will come out.

No one on lemmy will be able to give you a good idea of what to do or how to move forward.

I mean, look at what everybody is saying. Really read it. They’re all basically saying, make a decision without all the knowledge. There might one or two are saying something else, but I may have missed them.

Some are saying go live with your mom well that’s making a decision. That’s picking a side. Some are saying stay with your dad. It isn’t between you and your dad , it’s between your dad and your mom. But again that’s making a decision without all the knowledge.

Social media will give you a reactionary view in general. A therapist will sit you down and ask questions of not only you but also your mom and your dad. Then you have a better idea of what is going on. You may not have all the picture but at least you have an idea.

[–] lurch@sh.itjust.works 11 points 1 week ago

I think you should consider your mom is very hurt right now and my be overreacting by pulling you into the fight because of that. However, a cheater isn't a good role model and neither is the destroyer of marriages. She got that right.

IMO you should suggest a compromise, like staying with him, but berating him and his mistress from time to time and should also be transparent about it, so they know it's due punishment and a compromise for not leaving him.

[–] Drbreen@sh.itjust.works 10 points 1 week ago

Your mum is hurt and this is okay but the manipulation is not. As Judge Judy always said to divorced parents who tried to use their children against each other. , "You need to love your children more than you hate each other."

[–] Darleys_Brew@lemmy.ml 9 points 1 week ago

There’s a lot of assumptions and excuses for cheating in this thread. Mum shouldn’t be getting involved in whether you see your dad. Dad shouldn’t have cheated on mum.

[–] Pnut@lemm.ee 9 points 1 week ago

If you're close with your dad you can ask him why. He has to explain himself. It's likely he will explain things that he didn't want to. There is the issue. If they filed, civilly, for divorce and then this happened, I know it would still be upsetting, but he did things in the wrong order. You can love someone who's done something shitty. However, it's their responsibility to provide you with an explanation. Just don't make the same mistakes he did. Ever again. I'm so sorry. Please go out and get a nice supper. It might help.

[–] timewarp@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago (1 children)

No you're not wrong for wanting to keep your dad in your life. Any reputable family counselor would say your mom shouldn't be asking you to pick a side. Your mom does need support though, but it isn't your job. What your dad did sounds really hurtful to her, as it would be for most people. Maybe he is your best friend, but being a parent is more than being a friend. It means being a role model & wanting to teach things like honesty & respect, especially for the people you're supposed to love.

Has your dad offered to pay for counseling for you to process these things & talk to a professional about? It sounds like you could probably use it. I don't know how old you are, but given that you're asking the question here & the way you're asking leads me to believe you'd be much better off talking to a professional about it.

[–] ryedaft@sh.itjust.works 5 points 1 week ago

Eh, you should support your family. The dad fell in love with someone else and now OPs parents are splitsville. It's not fair to ask that OP cuts dad off but OP should try living 7/7 days with their parents if at all practically possible. OPs mom is going through so much grief right now - ignoring that is cruel.

[–] Mothra@mander.xyz 8 points 1 week ago

Your parents have some beef they need to settle between themselves - not with you. Any parent requesting their kids to retaliate against the other parent is a red flag. It's manipulation. Beware of her !

Now, if your dad had done something to you and you felt like cutting ties, or perhaps your dad represents a serious threat to your mother and cutting ties is necessary for her safety, well that's a different case scenario. But that's not what you are telling us.

TLDR: you are not a bad person.

[–] SolOrion@sh.itjust.works 5 points 1 week ago

No. That doesn't make you a bad person. Frankly, I think it's awful that she's asking you to, but I imagine she's going through some things herself at the moment.

I think you have the right take here already- your relationship with your dad wasn't the one impacted.

[–] NoneOfUrBusiness@fedia.io 5 points 1 week ago (3 children)

Okay so... your dad is unequivocally a piece of shit. You said he's like your best friend, but are you okay with your best friend being a piece of shit? There need to be social consequences for being an unapologetic piece of shit (which one would need to be to have an affair with their personal assistant and then move in with her). Just business as usual isn't gonna cut it (think if instead of cheating he'd come out as a Nazi) and you would be condoning his actions if there aren't negative consequences of some form for this fiasco, though how much you escalate is up to you.

Edit: I have to say, the attitudes some of y'all have about parent-child relationships range from ungrateful to absolutely deplorable. Like, seriously if I heard "it's the parent's job to emotionally support their children, not the other way around" from someone in real life I wouldn't let that person within five miles within anyone I care about.

[–] OutForARip@lemmy.ca 8 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Exactly, everyone is giving this piece of shit a pass and going after the mom for being manipulative?

The fuck Lemmy.

[–] Lupus@feddit.org 8 points 1 week ago (7 children)

Honestly from what we know, which is next to nothing, both parents here are in the wrong partially.

But as someone else already said here, humans and their relationships are super complex and from just a little paragraph we shouldn't judge either of them too harshly.

For example, my mom cheated on my dad, but we children stayed with her and understood her actions, because our dad was an emotionally unavailable alcoholic at that time. He turned himself around in the years following, becoming a better father. Both my parents made grave mistakes during their marriage and both shared blame in the breaking apart of our family and both, over time, accepted their part in it.

Life is not that easy, for none of us, everybody makes mistakes.

load more comments (7 replies)
[–] chonglibloodsport@lemmy.world 3 points 1 week ago

You gotta read between the lines. OP is close to father, not mother. Mother demands OP cut off all contact with father because he cheated.

It’s clear to me that mom is just trying to drive a wedge between OP and dad in order to hurt him. She doesn’t care how that will affect OP!

Maybe dad started cheating because mom was cold and unavailable? Maybe he fell in love with someone who reciprocated and was available emotionally because his wife wasn’t? He invited this woman to move in, so obviously it wasn’t just a fling.

[–] daniskarma@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 points 1 week ago (1 children)

life is complex. You really cannot assume he is a piece of shit just based on the information we have.

Was their marriage good? Was he happy with his life? If not, is he a piece of shit for wanting to live a happy life in the little time we have on this world? Is other person entitled to chain you to an unhappy life?

He may or may not be a piece of shit, I wouldn't know.

[–] NoneOfUrBusiness@fedia.io 5 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Was their marriage good? Was he happy with his life? If not, is he a piece of shit for wanting to live a happy life in the little time we have on this world? Is other person entitled to chain you to an unhappy life?

As I said in another reply, there was a way for him to live a happy life in the little time he has on this world (or get his peen wet, whichever it is): Get a divorce. As long as he could do that, which is clearly the case given that he is getting a divorce and his mistress is moving in with him, he had absolutely no excuse to have an affair behind his wife's back. Hence, piece of shit.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] Im_old@lemmy.world 3 points 1 week ago (3 children)

You have no idea why that happened though. Are you absolutely 100% sure he's the only bad actor in the relationship? Maybe it wasn't "just an affair".

Don't draw conclusions from limited information.

[–] NoneOfUrBusiness@fedia.io 5 points 1 week ago

I don't know, but also don't care. There is no good reason to have an affair (outside of maybe being coerced to enter/stay in the relationship). If he wanted to fuck the assistant, he should've (and, given that she's moving in, clearly could have) gotten a divorce first. Ergo, piece of shit.

[–] BakerBagel@midwest.social 4 points 1 week ago

Dude had an affair with his young secretary and she is now moving in. That's a tale as old as time, and tells me a fair bit about the dad. Maybe he does have a good relationship with OP, but the mother is in the process of losing everything to her scumbag husband.

OP is old enough to make their own decisions, but Dad's relationship with his mistress is going to fall apart in 6-12 months when the novelty wears off.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments
view more: ‹ prev next ›