this post was submitted on 19 Jul 2025
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Dealing with guilt over anger (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 6 days ago by SharkWeek@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/womensstuff@piefed.blahaj.zone
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Big text dump incoming ...

A couple of weeks ago I completely fell apart; I was ill, and pushed myself beyond my limits. The outcome was the most honest conversation I've ever had with my wife, and the conclusion we came to is that I need to air my emotions so I can process them healthily.

So, I've been trying to do that. I've cried at sad bits of TV shows, laughed joyously while teaching my wife to dance, and this last week at work I let myself be angry at incompetence.

When I was little I had emotional problems, and the solution at that time was physical discipline. Since coming through that I've been reserved and private, and taken a certain pride in being able to remain calm no matter what.

When I was angry at work I was careful not to direct it at a person, I focused on the task of fixing the problem. While doing this a member of my team came over to give me an update on his work, I nodded and said ok (all that was really needed) and he looked like a deer caught between the headlights.

I think I really scared him because he was subdued with me for the rest of the week, I've made sure he knows I wasn't angry with him.

So all that is to say, how do I deal with the guilt of scaring someone? I want him to be at ease around me ... my plan is to take some nice food in next week to share with everyone, but I haven't got any more tricks up my sleeve and I want to be able to express anger in a healthy manner in the future.

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[–] ValiantDust@feddit.org 9 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago) (1 children)

I know this might not change the fact that you do feel guilty, which is valid. But to maybe add someone else's perspective:

From what you have described, I don't think you actually have anything to feel guilty about. You did not yell at your colleague or anything, you were merely a bit unfriendly. Which is fine, it happens. It might warrant an explanation or apology, which you have already given. I don't even think the food is necessary, but if it helps you feel better, it won't hurt either.

The best thing you can do is move forward and maybe come up with a way to handle the next time such a situation comes up. Like maybe a phrase you can use to let them immediately know that it's not a good time but not their fault.

[–] SharkWeek@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 6 days ago

Thank you, I needed to hear this from an outside perspective.

I'll give some thought as to how I can tactfully say "now is not a good time", unfortunately my job revolves around people being able to interrupt me, so I'm also thinking I need some strategy for putting my feelings to one side and picking them up later ... I never expected it to be easy, lol

[–] LadyButterfly@piefed.blahaj.zone 3 points 6 days ago (1 children)

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, guilt is a horrible emotion. Sadly anger always spills out at work sometimes, we've all done it. From the outside it really doesn't seem bad, you didn't say anything and you barely did anything. Are you sure him being subdued is because of you? What's he like with other people?

[–] SharkWeek@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Thank you for putting it into perspective :-)

And yes, he was definitely scared. I've been told that I'm physically imposing so I generally try to eminate a fluffy persona, and that's what my coworkers are used to.

[–] LadyButterfly@piefed.blahaj.zone 3 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Ah it was the difference. Worth talking to him about it

[–] SharkWeek@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Yeah, he needs a lot of support and I don't want him thinking I wouldn't help him ... he's a good and social guy, and really ties the team together.

[–] LadyButterfly@piefed.blahaj.zone 4 points 6 days ago (1 children)

You got this, you're acknowledging what you did wrong and you want to fix it. You can do it and we're behind you