I don't have a lot to answer to this, except thank you for sharing this. It means a lot and it's strange reading someone talking about someone else and it's feeling like they're talking about me in a lot of places. Yeah, I did relate a lot to this person. I'm glad they're still around and doing better, slowly but surely.
Thank you for this.
[Big personal rant about the mess that is my mental health incoming. I'll be talking about heavy anxiety and heavy depression. So please be careful if you are sensitive to these subjects. Don't expose yourself to things that hurt you that you can't handle. It's okay. 𖹭]
How am I really? Well, I'm gonna be honest with my dishonesty. I would usually say meh. Because I'm too anxious to actually be opened about how I'm really feeling. Because I'm just terrified of dragging people down or having them hate me for not being well.
When I'm depressed, when I'm deeply self-hating, I don't call for help. I hide away until it goes away. Because I am too afraid that this will give people a reason to hate me. That people will tell me that I am too negative and that I drag everyone down. I'm too afraid of losing relationships, because I'm too much to handle. And these mechanisms apply themselves on the internet too. For every post, comment, or message I send, there are three others that just either never make it out or are deleted instantly by me.
I'm a transfeminine bunny-thing in her late 20's. I've been diagnosed with chronic depression and chronic anxiety only last year. Although, it is very much obvious and evident that I have been living like that since way before I was even 10. Same thing with the fact that autistic has only been diagnosed last year. For all of these, every step of the way, I've met either gatekeepers who didn't believe me, or people who looked at me and wondered how the fuck is it even possible that I have never been diagnosed.
I will never forget the look on my psychiatrist's face when I told him about the shit I was thinking about doing to myself when I was around 7 years old. Telling me that I should have been hospitalized back then. And that wasn't spite. That was complete empathy on his part. I will never forget that because finally somebody gave a shit about the kid I was for the first time ever. And yet all I'm left with is just bitterness and anger because no one gave a shit until then.
I oscillate between falling down depression pits or rising up anxiety spikes. Medications that are supposed to help that have only fucked me up more than anything else so far. My self-esteem is so fucked that my former psychiatrist described it as a form of anti-narcissism. I constantly switch between being depressed to the point of just wanting to sleep, all day, every day. Absolutely fucking hating myself to the point where I feel intense urges to just burn every relationship I have around me. Because I feel like it would be best to hurt the people who I love now, than to let relationships fester, because I'm that convinced that they're going to start hating me.
Feeling joy makes me anxious. I burst into tears when I laugh too long. I'm completely incapable of handling people loving me. I isolate from social groups out of fear of being outed. I'm reaching a point where I find myself going to sleep after sunrise every day because I am either afraid of insomnia preventing me from sleeping again or facing nightmares that I can't wake up from.
I live on income that I get for disability because I am completely unable to work because I'm just that fucking mentally ill. And that income is less than minimum wage in my country. I have to live with that and still endure people fucking seething at the fact that I'm getting that income because apparently I don't deserve it. I have problems and people and society and politicians and everyone's just telling me that no, I'm the problem.
I'm a fucking mess. That's how I'm doing, really. I'm not well at all. I try my best, I keep going. I don't have any other choice. The alternatives that my brain come up with are not worth listening to. Even at the worst, I want to keep living out of spite for all the people and institutions that would rather have me dead.
There you go. Funny thing is, I actually didn't intend to go on this tirade. It just kinda happened. Originally, I just wanted to say that most of the time I don't want to talk about it. I just say "meh" to hide that I'm cripplingly unwell. But I guess this rant is appropriate considering the post.
I mean, there is no such thing as a good billionaire. :/
Something something die a hero, something something... erh, you know how it goes.
Always has been.
The fingering will continue until morale improves. :3
Damn it! I was debating with my partner on the title post, she suggested the current one and I suggested this! I should've trusted my shutposting guts :3
So you made up your own fanfiction about this comment and decided to get mad at it. You're blaming the wrong writer here.
Just what the internet needed, even more lies and fascists propagandists. yay....
Rule 1. Women only… trans women are women, and transphobic or gender critical talk isn’t allowed. Anyone under the trans umbrella (e.g. non-binary, bigender, agender) is free to decide whether a women's community is a good fit for them.
This is in the interest of avoiding something that happens all the time with women only spaces on the internet and that is being overtaken by men.
This is especially a problem when we discuss our feelings towards men, especially if they are negative, because the discussion will inevitably and very quickly derail to men in the comments being offended and women having to temper their emotions, instead of actually talking about their own feelings on the matter.
It is sadly necessary as this problem is something that has basically killed most women spaces on the Threadiverse.
As a transfeminine person, I started hating men post-coming out. Passing as a woman is what made me at first fear them and then hate them. It's simple, I never had to throw off a tail from a woman following me home.
I don't think men realises what they are and what other men are and even I had a hard time realising that it really took being on the "other side" to understand because even before I didn't fully understand but it's not like society perceived me fully as a man, anywhere that's complicated and trans stuff that I don't want to get into.
Ever since I came out, I've had to deal with men approaching the industry and very insistently asking for personal information about me. I've also had to deal with them flat out and very grossly asking me to do sexual things to them. I've had to deal with being followed in the street, or followed home, as I mentioned. I have been touched in inappropriate ways. And so on.
I don't like that I hate them, but I feel like it's more than legitimate. I have a lot of reasons to do. I don't hate them out of pure irrationality. I hate them out of almost a self-defence mechanism. I hate them because I fear them. They are fucking terrifying and I don't think they realize it.
It's also very hard for me to handle because I also do love them, they're people and I've been surrounded by them my entire life and I have learned to hear their struggles and how hard it is for them sometimes too and I know that everything that makes me fear them and hate them, are things that deeply hurts them too.
They have been made that way and in a weird fucked-up way, they are victims of this too. That's the worst part, and that's the reason why men get defensive when you call them out on this. It's because they don't realize it's wrong. It's not out of malicious intent! It's what they've been taught their entire life and are constantly being taught by the rest of society. It's constantly reinforced into them and it makes them miserable.
It all comes down to the thing that patriarchy is a real thing that affects everyone and that everyone, which includes men, would benefit from it being completely torn down
It's not that I hate men, I didn't decide on it. It's that I started resenting them, for very valid reasons. And that this resentment can sometimes turn into hate, and I'm trying to be careful about this. But that resentment doesn't come from nowhere. It comes from the experience of being a woman around men. But I also know that this divide is artificial. That it's not natural. That the reason why we're feeling like we're different species is completely manufactured. We're the same, we've just been put on different paths for arbitrary reason. I know because I changed path, I was set on the wrong one.
They don't know that we're feeling this about them. They don't know. They really don't. They don't understand it. Every time they approach you in the street, every time they do something fucked, they're behaving in a totally appropriate way in their mind.
I don't want to hate 50% of the population, but I do have strong reasons to resent them, sadly. I would say that we have a common enemy to tear down though. I hope we can do this eventually. I want to know what it's like to be friend with a man without having to worry about what he actually wants.