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There’s nuance to the idea that you need to love yourself before loving someone else.
At its core, it means this: Nobody is responsible for your happiness but you.
When someone lacks self-love and enters a relationship, they often rely on their partner as their source of self-worth. This isn’t just unfair—it’s unsustainable and often leads to heartbreak.
To put it another way, you need to fill your own cup. You can’t walk around empty, expecting someone else to keep pouring into you indefinitely. That’s not their job, and trying to take it on is exhausting, leading to burnout and relationship failure.
The truth is, you have to learn how to be happy alone. A relationship isn’t about making each other happy; it’s about supporting and loving one another in a way that fosters self-love, allowing both people to grow into their fullest potential.
So that rules out people with depression?
No. You can learn to love yourself when you're depressed. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Maybe not but they are highly comorbid. And having depression get in the way of a lot of my goal took a toll on my self esteem.
Allow me to paint a picture:
In your heart, you’ve got a little cup full of love. Sounds like yours is running on fumes.
Your hope is that someone else will fill this cup for you. But I’m saying you need to learn to fill it yourself first. Why?
Because love isn’t a free refill station—it’s an exchange. We trade sips from one another’s heart cups. Some people need a big sip. Some barely need any at all. Must be nice… 😒
So if you meet someone with a big, full cup, ready to share—what do you have to give them? If you don’t know how to refill your own, that love becomes a finite resource. Your partner pours into you, but you have nothing to pour back. And eventually, that drains them. It doesn’t lead to happiness—it leads to burnout, imbalance, and a slow spiral back to despair.
This is why you need a source from within. Not because love doesn’t exist. But because the best love is shared, not depended on.
I mean it sounds like you are describing someone who is selfish that demands much and returns little of those around them. I don't believe I do that. But you are saying I will if I don't figure out my self esteem issues before hand?
I'm saying if you don't have a way to get self worth from yourself then you will be stuck dependent on your partner, and they will not always be able to provide that. It's a skill that you need to be in a functional relationship.