World is an absolute shit show with no signs of improving, personal life just keeps turning upside down, everything makes me terminally tired. I am trying to remain positive and be a positive force for others. I do stuff to make me feel better, like art, take walks, talk to a therapist, grow plants, community work - and I do manage to squeeze a tiny happiness out of my activities but it doesn't seem to be worth the effort. I try to connect with people and quite a few people actually seem to like me but socializing makes me feel exhausted. I catch myself thinking "Let the fucking war arrive and burn it all down" and that's terrifying stuff to carry in one's own head. I just feel I'm part of the overpopulation and that there's no point of existing.
I have a kid and don't want them to be sad because their crazy parent offed themselves and that's all that keeps me going.
Those of you feeling like this: what keeps you going?
EDIT: Wow, this has been quite a day. Thanks for your answers and advice, it was so far the darkest day I found on my path and you really helped me through it! I'd like to send a virtual hug to all, especially those who seem to be struggling as much as I do and who stay around for the sake of their loved ones, or simply out of spite and anger. The heavy tension-inducing weather that was been brewing here all morning finally unloaded into an impressive thunderstorm with bucket loads of rain, and then a friend arrived telling me she was feeling quite the same way (the weather clearly didn't help today!), and she inspired me to host a meeting I wanted to do since a long time, so I finally set up a date for it and announced it. So here we go again, despite or with the rage, the spite, the heavy heart. See you tomorrow, hopefully with some sun to try that 'baking cookies in my car' thing I just found in the shitposting community. At least there will be cookies to go with the doom tomorrow!
"The horrors persist, yet so do I". The world sucks, but I have things I care about, people I love, some wonderful cats. And I'm not gonna let a fucked up world take that away from me without a fight
I guess I do have some people? Lack of object permanence doesn't help the situation very much. Who can prove my loved ones even exist when they are not here?
If you unironically have trouble believing in the persistance of things outside of your own immediate senses, please go talk with your therapist more.
That's kind of base level underpinnings of your existence and how you interact with the rest of the world shit.
This feels like psychologist or neurologist territory.
Well it's the 'tism and I am self aware about the issue, and I don't think any therapist is just going to delete the autism from my brain by talking with them more, but thanks?
If you take nothing else from this thread: That's not "just autism".
And the goal of working with a professional wouldn't be to "delete your autism" like holy shit lmao that is so off base I would think you were a shitposter if I hadn't met other people like you before.
There are dangerous thought patterns, shit that does nothing but erode your trust in the existence of an external reality. I don't have the proper words to describe the level of danger to yourself and those around you that you can cause if you don't believe foundational aspects of external reality.
This is really something you need to discuss with professionals.
You're latching on to one half ironic thing I wrote so you can prove that something is seriously wrong with me? Maybe you need to talk to a professional? Lack of object permanence is one of many symptoms of autism. It makes my life a little more difficult because I sometimes have to remind myself that I can and should continue to connect with people not in my immediate surroundings. I do not literally believe they disappear and I'm sure my other answers must reflect somehow that I'm not a delusional solipsist. But hey, whatever supports your self importance.
It doesn't have to be people per se, find what brings you those sparks of joy in your life and don't let them go.