Ask Me Anything

This is hilarious because I'm actually deeply interested in spirituality and philosophy. I love to think about the world and beyond. I don't really concern myself with other humans, and when I find I do, I end up presenting a tattered mess as a result. Mostly gossiping etc, nothing truly productive.

Yes, I spent years on therapy. I've also spent just as much time attempting to self correct when I could find the chance to. I've been in numerous situations over the years to give me the opportunity and I'm eternally grateful for each one. Take the time to read through the rest of these comments, so you can see what I've been through, because I've answered this question before.

Yes, I started smoking cigs + weed in my teen years sparingly for fear of being caught by family. I was a good two shoes and kept my nose clean until I turned 21, then I became a really heavy drinker. Not an alcoholic, but going out with friends, I realized I needed to drop almost twice the amount of cash in order to feel something, not necessarily use it to make conversation easier, but to feel the effects lol. At 25, I then dove into psychs and disso, and boy, my life changed. It's been....interesting and I do NOT want to give that experience up at all. I feel liberated knowing and seeing things that most people would wait lifetimes to perceive. At least, that's what I believe. Entering my 30s, I'm actually surprisingly sober now. Hence, why I am now suffering the consequences of my actions throughout my 20s and being ultra-destructive to self and others. What an interesting life so far.

Good luck to you and your journey. I was on a few different classes of mood stabilizers and even anti depressants. Decided after years that they just didn't work out, unless I actively engaged in positive change as well. I resorted to teaching myself DBT techniques and they have been somewhat helpful. I would also benefit from seeing a DBT therapist specialist if one was ever offered but there seems to be none in my area willing to take new patients with my insurance.

Im proud of you for cutting out drugs, they are certainly fun but be wary, the fun doesn't last forever and it comes with a heavy price. Just be aware is all. I'm sure you already are.

I actually realized the same way, and looking to grow into a social circle where it would benefit me to act more my age, ie entering my 30s and becoming more of a masculine man, financially responsible and physically on top of my game. I am regaining my confidence back and I'm slowly falling in love with myself again. It's a challenge but, I'm glad you are also seeking new social circles that align with your current values. So happy for you friend. You're on the right path.

I'm just gonna quote myself from an earlier comment:

"That’s sort of how it started with my path. I was constantly being spammed with invites to outings, or messages about checking up on each other etc, just friendly things. I decided it was all too overwhelming and didn’t want to maintain those relationships due to being overwhelmed by it all at once. I am now paying the price. At least for the time being."

I've one cat that I shared with an ex, and she took him when we split up. I loved him to death. I realize I am more of a cat person than dog person. Simply for the hygienic reasons of it.

I will try to sell some items I own, as I am currently in between jobs and my cars registration is going to expire in a few weeks. Otherwise, what I usually do nowadays is make coffee, eat barely food as I am dead broke, go to the gym, work out for 3 hours and play video games or browse the internet. I am trying to stop consuming so much adult content as well, as I realize it's shaping an unhealthy mind for me to hold.

I don't know how to anymore. I am socially awkward and it's difficult for me to unmask myself around others that I don't fully trust. Once you get to know me, I'm fairly a huge chatterbox depending on the subject, otherwise, I just come off extremely aloof

Yes I have, I've had multiple sessions spanning from different providers with different credentials each (psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, LMFT) and all these different visits spanned across years of my life. Between 3-5 years now that I recall. I don't regret most, but I regret some. I've told some of them some very traumatizing things and can't help but feel judged as a human, even though they are literally paid to not judge me. It's a difficult thing to balance in my brain right now.

It's hard to say. Humans are the epitome of change and impermanence. It seems more likely that I (and all of humanity) will go through changes our whole lives. There is nothing we can do about it but to accept it. My perception of reality is that its cruel. Similar to how the world of Berserk by Kentaro Miura is set up. I don't necessarily feel stuck in my ways, as I have recently discovered that I am a creature of habit, but I can overcome that with enough effort, and direct it towards a positive change.