Asklemmy

First off: you're not disgusting. Those who do that to other people are.

As the other commentor said: seek therapy as fast as you can. If you can. Everything we say here can potentially make it worse....

Out of mind-out of sight only works superficially and temporarily, if at all, and it will come back anyway, hitting you even harder and making you run (from your thoughts) even faster next time. Yet despite that is keeping a distance to them (And new arseholes!) absolutely imperative! Having witnessed that so many times it makes sad.

I don't know any details about your abuse, but should you ever consider going back, for whatever reason: don't. It happens all the time and it's never ever a good thing.

I wish you all the power to keep away and get better dear random internet stranger.

Any other answer than professional therapy runs the risk of making it worse. But I know that it can be a luxury.

Out of sight hopefully leads to out of mind eventually. Actively avoiding these a-holes is one thing, having a good emergency plan when it can't be avoided is another. I don't know your life so you have to figure this one out yourself. In my experience, people that have a certain power over you in your mind immediately lose a lot of it if you imagine them naked, tickling the tip of their nose with a feather.

Are you reacting rationally when you're confronted with them? If you can control yourself enough to imagine the nose tickling, start there and see how it goes. If you can't get there and therapy is out of the question look for a fresh start somewhere else. Different part of the city, different city, different time zone. We are conditioned to think we mustn't run from our problems, which isn't bad advice but isn't universally true IMO. There are cases where you're allowed to just move away in the night, secretly flipping the old life off in the process. If after careful consideration going through all the pros and cons you arrive at this conclusion, don't deny yourself this option for dogmatic reasons.

A therapist, after disagreeing with me, would probably add that you should make sure you don't repeat past mistakes by creating new dependent relationships that could lead to new abuse. So keep that thought in the back of your head.

From experience: people tend to abuse others and take that for granted. Some will realize they fucked up. Some will try to manipulate you back into the abusive situation. Some will get mad their possession (you) is disobeying them and will try to hurt you.

Hope you can find your way to the peace you deserve.

I've been abused (physically and mentally) by my parents and bullied at school. I can obviously only talk about myself, but maybe my experience helps you.

Understanding, that those people will never care or feel guilt, is hard. Especially when you were abused as a child and hoped for a happy end. Actively trying to get over it also didn't work very well for me. For me the best thing to do was focus on other things: find friends, find hobbies, do whatever you always wanted to do (I started wearing clothes I was forbidden to wear and practicing hobbies that were ridiculed).

Just fill your life with things you like and the bullies and abusers will become smaller and smaller.

Therapy is a good start to help you with this and question yourself, who you are and who you want to be.