The fear of even posting a comment on a womens only thread incase they cyber stalk us and start a tirade of abuse or sexual harassment.
this post was submitted on 19 Jun 2025
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God that's true. I'm mega girly, when I joined lemmy I initially chose a gender neutral name I didn't particularly like to stay safe. Then I started here so my cover was blown and i went with my true girly self. These are the constant things we have to do online
There are, to my knowledge, two pictures of me on the Internet. Total. Both are at least two decades out of date. I haven't used my real name in any online context (I started with Fidonet) since the '80s. And while I do leak some information about my whereabouts, good luck finding me in a city that's bigger than the USA's top city (and is yet only about #10 in China…).
And why the secrecy?
Well, the time I got a phone call at 2AM from a guy in the USA who was absolutely dead-set on "domming" me in an online RPG game, wanting to take it RL kind of informed me I need to be super-careful about any identifiable information.
And it is tiring.
There's a "girl gamer group" on Steam, but it's comprised mostly of creepy ass dudes who'll just add and harass any girls that join. It's so gross.
I think men don’t really understand how we just have a low-key sense of fear when we’re around men, just all the time.
I’m waiting for some man to come in here being all “not all men!”
Sure. Fine. Not all men.
But enough men that this is a big fucking worry.
I've had boyfriends shocked when they found out, during the course of getting intimate, that I actually do carry a knife with me at all times. They're such sheltered little dears, aren't they, able to go through life without worrying if that man over there is going to be the one who assaults you or worse because you "wore the wrong clothes" or "said the wrong thing" or even just "looked at him with the wrong expression"?
Yep and how much the fear is justified. It's constant. Don't go anywhere alone at night, text your friends when you're going on a date, be unbelievably careful how you reject a man etc etc etc
I was about to comment this as well. I've always been kind of weak, but transitioning made me even more so and I quickly realized how easy it would be to get overpowered. Being around men definitely puts me on edge as well.
I gave my wife anxiety by moving through life blissfully unaware after transition. I was blessed to have only positive experiences for a time.
A few conversations and experiences later and I take more precautions.
When I learned just how frequently sexual harassment and assault happens, it was an eye opening, and heart breaking, revelation.
Thanks for your comment, but this community is intended to be women-only, meaning only women are permitted to comment or post, so please refrain from continuing to comment here, thanks! 💚
Especially in dating, I pay for my own food and drinks every time.
Because I very acutely feel the expectations that are attached to something nominally free and dont want to deal with this kind of "debt". Had to explain this fact quite often and some guys just never heard of the concept behind it called reciprocity, though they know the feeling of it.
It just never clicked for them in that context.
How we might want our own spaces to talk without their input. Not that they would do that in a group that's clearly labeled "Women only..."
I really wonder how many of men commenting with generally respectful language here are questioning whether they are trans. This is a small community hosted on the piefed spinoff of the most trans instance. It doesn't seem like the kind of place men who are cis with certainty would just stumble upon.
The language may be respectful, but the act of commenting in a space that has clear rules against their commenting entirely is not respectful. Which is a problem I've seen in male-inclusive women's social circles before (as in pre-Internet). Men think their voices must be heard, even if they're ostensibly "allies".
If this were my first rodeo maybe I'd be thinking of reasons for them. It's not, however. It's like my seventeenth.
That we're human beings with autonomy who just want to live our lives
Some men seem to think women dress and do makeup and hair for them alone, and that this is inherently sexual; meanwhile if there were no men I would continue to dress up and do hair and makeup and I think this is because lots of women dress and do makeup for ourselves and for other women, to feel human and have self esteem, and also to establish social status among other women.
Yep! Not to mention how many decent men think they have a right to tell their partner to have long hair, get a Brazilian, wear high heels etc. I've met so many who think as it's just a couple of things so they can expect it cos THEY like it that way
I actually had someone tell me I should get a Brazilian. We weren't together long after that, but we split up after I told him I'd get one the day after he got one.
that's a good point, part of the assumption that it's all for them is that their preferences are all that matter 🤦♀️
Agreed. People dictating how their partners should express themselves are so gross.
My boyfriend keeps asking if he can shave his head. I'm like, dude, I love your hair and think it's beautiful, but if that's what you want to do, I'm here for it. It's his hair after all, haha.
They're people, just like they are.
Women each have different desires in significant others. "You don't know how hard it is being a guy and having to do the asking out!" True, I don't. I do know being a fat woman who doesn't wear makeup or flattering clothing I got asked out 3 times in my life. Only one of those guys is 'traditionally handsome' and is not my now husband. My husband has cerebral palsy and yet still asked my much younger ass out. Worked for him cause he was willing to try. Maybe it's because I feel safe with him. Being disabled gives him a viewpoint on other humans where one has to be wary like most women have to be wary.
That when we say how frequently men sexually harass us day to day we aren't exaggerating.
Yep, and how we all have our own strategies to manage it. Women constantly manage men's behaviour, keeping them calm and trying to stay safe. We sometimes have to "let" them harass us because if we challenge it they might hurt us
omg yes. god this one pisses me off. it's a classic example of "if I don't experience it it must not be real or exaggerated". I have not so fond memories of being catcalled and followed even if I make it known I'm not interested. when I was 11-12 I had old men make wildly inappropriate comments to me. I have no trouble believing the statistics and I'm tired of seeing men downplay it
I don't want to be stared at
Why no girl can safely post any pictures online; like the phones embedded geolocation data in the photos and crazy guys might come knocking.
Yep! We are never safe
The "mental load" stuff that women carry, not just at home, but in the workplace as well.