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any relationship is, at its core, an agreement.
This is true.
An agreement between two people to spend their time, affection and dedication solely to each other.
This doesn't have to be. You can agree to something different. Lots of people do. Just be honest about what you want.
I can't imagine being the sole focus of my SO's time and affection. That sounds exhausting. And what about family?
I think they meant it as no other partners, not no other kinds of relationships whatsoever.
You've really got to pay attention to the wording on these binding agreements.
They tend to be said in very small writing.
It is exhausting. I've been in a relationship where my partner had no one but me. I don't consider myself super outgoing but I have plenty of friends that I enjoy spending time with. I like playing music on the weekends. I like going to do things, sometimes last minute. I got fat and depressed because she just wanted to sit at home and for me to sit home with her.
It soured me on relationships for a bit. The next one was the opposite. She wanted to be out every night and didn't understand I had to work. She never ever wanted to just hang at the house. It was also exhausting.
I'm open to a relationship if the person has similar patterns or doesn't want me next to them 24/7. I can handle if they're an independent person, but currently everything feels like either far too much or far too little so I've been doing my own thing for a while. I've got someone that I'm casual with. It's perfect for now.
I'm in the same boat. Being someone's entire universe is horrible. From now on I require a partner to be passionate about at least two hobbies and have some damn friends!
As for OP, poly/open relationships are a thing.
A relationship should never be used as a means to have sex. That will only hurt people. And a relationship is so, so much more than just sex.
Honestly, to me it sounds like you don't really want a (romantic) relationship in the first place. And that's completely fine. Don't try to force something on yourself that you don't want. That will only hurt your partner and disappoint you. It's completely fine to just want friends with benefits or one night stands (or both, as long as you're careful). You do you.
There are a whole spectrum of nonmonogamous types of relationships out there. Any relationship will have it's compromise, but what those compromises are is entirely based on you and your partner or partners.
Well the thing is, like I said, if it were up to me I'd have no relationship and just sleep around. But I only ever seem to able to get relationships, never a fling. So I tell the women I date I don't want anything too attached.
It can be a healthy way to have a relationship as long as you're honest with your partners. Don't promise them the moon and eternal love. Don't lie about your intentions. Keep up with STD testing and use protection obviously.
There are people out there looking for friends with benefits and are happy to find a regular partner who respects consent, takes feedback and is a known quantity. There are also aromantic people out there who are happy to have a purely physical relationship. There's someone for everyone. Finding that kind of relationship might have its challenges but the internet helps with that at least.
I think either can be healthy as long as all parties are happy/agreeing to it.
And informed, of course.
Well I told her I'm really hands off when it comes to relationships. And she is fine with that. I didn't tell her I actually just use relationships for sex. (FYI, the reason I do that is because I can only seem to get relationships and never a fling. But I always tell them I am looking for something loose)
You don't have to relationship with anyone if you don't want that, I think your premise is wrong. I had an enjoyable run between long relationships, just very casual, by only going out with guys who said that was all they wanted, I can't possibly be the only woman who likes those guys.
Now - when I said I was going to date more seriously (meaning I was wrapping up the casual run) I was shocked when most of them said "I'd like to date you" when I figured they were into variety and would NOT want to date anyone. i did not want to date any of them seriously at all. And kind of suspect they didn't really want to date me either, more like they enjoyed the sex and thought maybe the rest would fall into place somehow?
So if you are doing that, don't. Find the casual people, keep it casual and when they are ready to jump out, find someone else.
I will say, (and I think this is very usual) a "real" relationship does mean more regular sex. Sure, yes. But you ought not do that until or unless you are ready, and your partner too is ready, and enthusiastic about the idea. If you only see it as giving something up, not gaining more, I don't think it's time.
And no, you don't cleave to each other exclusively! Have friends, go to work, have your own hobbies, be a whole person.
Sounds like you value alone time and independence but also want some sex - even just casual sex. Honestly, I don't see a problem with that on the surface; just because the norm is committed, heterosexual, monogamous, cisgender, same-race relationships doesn't mean everyone has to follow that, so long as your boundaries (and theirs) are clear and agreed upon with anyone you get involved with. You may have a hard time finding someone looking for something similar, but that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong - just different.
The one thing I'd watch for is making sure you don't see women as a source of sex and that's it. Not saying you would, but what you describe COULD be a starting point for that kind of mentality, which is not a good place to be.
Look for a FWB or poly thing.
Relationship doesn't mean sex.
You can have sex in a relationship, but it's for you to have a companion, which to not want.
A relationship is more than just a promise or commitment. A relationship is a chance for both participants to grow and challenge each other, while also supporting each other. It also makes your domestic life easier, as each partner only does have the work (in a slightly larger quantity). Relationships are not transactional. Each person gives when they have capacity, and each person receives when they don’t. Strengths and weaknesses cancel out and both are better off together.
It sounds like you’re not currently interested in a relationship. Probably best to be up front about that with your candidates.
A relationship will always involve compromise on the details and day to day stuff, but the relationship itself should not feel like a compromise. From the way you are describing it, a relationship is not what you are looking for because a relationship is all of the things other than just the sex that you are interested in.
It really sounds like you want the sex without the effort.
Yeah that's pretty much it. But I don't mind pulling my weight in the relationship.
Don’t they call what you’re looking for “situationships” nowadays?
And if that’s what you want, just be honest about it. The last thing anybody wants is to feel used or to be led on.
Be you, be honest, and be safe!
I told her I wasn't looking for anything too attached. And she is okay with that. But as far as I'm concerned the relationship side of things is more her thing than it is mine.
Compromise doesn't necessarily mean "less"
If you ask your boss for a 20% raise, and they give you a 10% raise and you stay there, you have compromised on what you wanted but you still got more than you had before.
Relationships are similar, you may not get everything you specifically want, but if you're getting more than you have alone it may be a good idea to look for one. That could relate to all sorts of aspects of a relationship, from sharing chores and saving money on expenses to having someone available more easily/frequently to enjoy shared activities with.
Not all relationships are going to be worth it, in fact most will not until you find a "compatible" person where the alignment of your needs and willingness to do things for them end up, and their needs and willingness to do things for you end up with a net benefit to both people.
Two people that hate doing dishes and cooking could work, if you both make enough money to eat out every meal, but if you don't those two people likely aren't compatible. However, if you like cooking, and they don't mind cleaning, that can be a reasonable compromise that benefits both people.
I feel exactly the same way you do. It's incredibly rare for me to find anyone I'd even consider dating. I'd rather just fuck and go. I'm upfront about what I want and try my best not to lead people on and for the most part it's worked out well for me. But I'm gay and the beautiful thing about being gay is we've figured out we don't have to conform to heterosexual relationship norms.
I think in the straight community it's a little more challenging, but not impossibleI think the important thing is so keep your integrity during the process. Respect the people you're hooking up with, don't lead them on, and cut them off when you see they might not be able to handle a hookup only situation. That last part sounds cruel but it's in their best interest.
Since you're being upfront with her about it, it's fine. She's probably using you in a similar way, easy hookups until she finds something deeper with someone else
Depends on your age to a certain extent. Older men tend to value monogamy more, but we're also older and looking for a sure thing (if we don't have it already). Chasing tail, bedding a different young lady every night, sounds fun, but when you need someone to take care of you, it doesn't really make sense as opposed to a long-term relationship.
If you're younger though, you got your whole life ahead of you... just be safe. And try to avoid the crazy ones. They deserve love too, but they also take a lot of patience.
I've been polyamorous (multiple romantic and sexual partners) for over 25 years, has worked great for me.