Asklemmy

Grey area. The suggestion that it's pedophilia is silly given they're close in age, but a 3-4 year age gap when someone is 16 can be pretty significant; I'd consider it a warning sign.

The problem with age gaps isn't age; it's experience and power. Three years is still a big percentage of your life right now. In ten years time, three years will not be as significant a part of your life.

Think about how different you expect to be as a person in three years. Can you even realistically imagine who you will be?

As far as relationships - they work out when the people in them have common goals, and they fail- no matter how much love is in there- when the people involved are going in different directions in life. Part of your problem at your age is that the direction of your like is likely to change drastically over the coming years in ways you cannot anticipate.

I think pedophilia is more or less not a thing if you're just three years apart and 18 years old.

Despite what the law sais 18 years don't magically make you knowledgeable and reasonable.

Although, I don't think relationships at 16 or 18 will last very long as you really are just children

16-19? Not pedophilia. Not literally nor legally, move on.

Pedophilia means being attracted by somebody who does not show sexual maturity yet, and I strongly doubt that I the case (I have a 16yo daughter, so...). And laws, usually, have clear exceptions for similar ages people like this, as it's expected and quite normal. I mean given how stupid males are at that age, he being 3y older alny means they are closer than two 16yo.

Are they both in school? Is there some power imbalance or abuse? Otherwise, move on and let them live their lives.

The half your age plus 7 rule holds up even then in my book. It's not like you turn 18 and have to suddenly dump your 17 year old partner.

19/2=9.5, 9.5+7 is 16.5. so if she's closer to 17 than just turned 16 than the rule holds up. He is on the lowest bar though.

You're going to find there's a lot of creepy guys who hang around your high school and try to get with high school girls because they're emotionally stunted and don't know how to attract someone of the same age. When you see a 22 year old guy prowling around a 16 or 17 year old, alarm bells should be going off. Your friend? It's nearing weird but if this is a one-off case I wouldn't be too surprised. It's like a senior dating a sophomore.

I thought this post was about the numbers and ... Well, I like 16. It's got a few neat math things going on. 19 is a prime, but doesn't have much else going on for it.

edit: I was thinking that 16x3 was 38 and that 19x2 was 38, which would be interesting. However, 16x3 is 48, which I love, while 19x2 is indeed 38, which is still pretty cool. On the other hand, 64 is fun, while 57 is super duper boring.

Maybe my wife is right when she says I'm neurodivergent.

edit: This is pleasing to me.

At those ages its tough. I have a friend who secretly started dating his wife when she was in junior high while he was in high school. Once she was 18 they officially started dating for a year then did the one year engagement and then got married to be all proper but they had known each other for like half a decade or more before the official thing. Have not hung around with them for awhile but from facebook they still seem to be married and their kids are getting pretty old. Ultimately he is only like 4 years older than her and something which if your talking 18 and 22 is no big deal but 18 and 14 gets real weird.

As said, case by case situation. It's an adult dating a minor, but sufficiently close in age to be waived, with several restrictions and close watch by all involved, especially family members.

I can't say a believe in rules like the half your age plus 7 thing but barely adult and barely minor is not pedophilia, particularly if you were together before aging up to adult, but even if not. The line at 18 is arbitrary, some places that's 16, and I don't think 18 is adult like a grownup, that seems to take a few more years. There are also usually laws that say it's not illegal if you are within some number of years, not a big gap.

That adult/minor split happened to my kid, they were a senior and girlfriend a junior so after graduation we tease them about "dating a high schooler" but they are the same couple as before.

A 3 year gap will just seem smaller and smaller (in that way the half plus 7 thing is true, it's just stupid as a hard rule). I'm old and 5 years in either direction is about as far as I like to go, because I like guys my age, and that's what seems "my age" now.

*age divided by two plus seven, round up with acknowledgments to experience gaps / power dynamics"/

"19 / 2 = 9.5 + 7 = 16.5" rounded is a plain seventeen.

His ex is in the wrong. Not even taking into account the experience gap between the two / power dynamics.

While I don't know your specifics kid, I recommend taking some time to write down a few things:

1. What you're capable of versus what your older girlfriend is capable of.
2. What are you able to provide versys what your older girlfriend is able to provide.
3. What you give verus what you get.

The final advice is be careful of those older than you until you're at least done with college.

I feel like as long as they're (the seniors) still in school, then it should be fine.

I personally know someone that almost this exact situation has happened to.

I think with an european perspective 16 and 19 sounds like a bit significant difference to me, and most possibly others may get worried.

Imo 17 and 19 is totally okay, but I hope your relationship will stand and stay safe.

Yes it really is.. I know when in High School you don’t get that , but once your removed from that isolated environment you will se it.

iffy to some, big maturity difference but romeo and juliet laws, i believe, say it's fine.

Not sure what country you're in but if you're 15 currently I'd be more concerned about your relationship. That is, if the legal age of consent is 16 as regardless of the morals around a relatively small age gap in the eyes of the law that is pedophilia. I anticipate your friend is OK seeming as his boyfriend is already at the age of consent.

A tangent: a 15yr old friend were caught getting frisky with their 15yr old boyfriend and they both got put on a sexual offenders list! Madness

First off: if, then he wouldn't be a pedophile but a hebephile. Small, but important difference.

Second: there are the laws. If you're breaking laws, it could quickly become a problem (obviously).

But finally, what you were actually getting to: it really depends. There are plenty of age cases that are unacceptable no matter what (e.g. if he were 25 instead of 19, for instance). People mature differently. I've met people who were 16 where you could think they were 20, and vice-versa. If one is much more mature than the other, than you have a power imbalance, and that's the problem. And that can happen with two people of the same age, as well (although it's less likely).

So, no, 16 and 19 isn't necessarily wrong, per se. The question is: is the relationship in question problematic?

So A) depending on the state or country's age of consent and/or Romeo-juliet exceptions, their may or may not be anything legally disallowed by a 16 year old dating and being sexually active with a 19 year old or older.

B) It certainly doesn't get more morally wrong in your situation where you're already seeing someone 3 years older than you, as you get older. That difference only becomes less significant as you age.

C) If the age of consent or Romeo-juliet laws do not make a carve out for your situation, and you were dating and sexually active when they were 17 then likely your partner would've already been breaking the law before they were an adult. The difference now is that they'd be tried as an adult if they were to be charged.

D) As for the question, is there actually anything wrong with it. In the vast majority of cases, yes, there is something wrong about it, objectively. But also, it's not necessarily a big problem in the end, sometimws. The problem comes down to three things. 1) Generally speaking, people your age lack real world insight into adulthood and adult relationships and struggle to make mature, rational, long-term-thinking decisions without the overwhelming power of novelty and emotion that comes with young love. I don't say that to be insulting, just call it the wisdom of hindsight. We were all, to some degree, still kids at your age, and made stupid decisions that many of us regret. That is something an older partner should be cognizant of too, when they are receiving your consent to sexual acts, that your lack of experience means you may not fully appreciate what you are consenting to. 2) Even if you are mature, understand your decisions, and consent with the full understanding and appreciation of what that consent means, the relationship will almost necessarily have an unhealthy imbalance. They being adults typically means that they have more money, more freedom, and more control over the relationship. Truly healthy adult relationships are a partnership been coequal people. 16 year olds are still kids and typically still the responsibility of parents or guardians, still in school, still responsible only for a small fraction of their own care. And many at that age see older partners as a way to jump the line and soup ahead to becoming adults early, but it doesn't work like that. 3) Even if it is legal, there is a stigma (and not a wholly unjustified one) that your partner will face that you will not. And if it's not legal, there's an even huger risk to your partner, losing their freedom, having their name in a sec offense registry, struggling to find homes or jobs, that again, you don't face. That's not fair and it's simply not a good idea and it's a risk to both partners.

But like I said, it's not necessarily all that bad. It could be legal, mature, fully consentual, coequal, and neither partner suffers due to the relationship. And it can workout long term. But I do gotta warn you, that is definitely not the norm.

You don't say what country you're in, so I'll assume you're in my country. 16 is the age of consent so it's totally fine from a legal perspective.

Whether it's morally ok depends on the people involved. Are they similar maturity levels? Or is one taking advantage of the other's immaturity?

Either way, it's none of anyone's business.