Asklemmy

Currently amicably divorcing. We’ve actually been separated for 8 years, and it’s only now that I’m sorting out the divorce. Neither of us considered ourselves married after we separated, and both moved on to other partners, so the paperwork now is just a formality, primarily driven by our new respective partners not loving the fact that we’re still married.

We were together 18 years in total, starting from university age, and married for a decade. Two kids, no infidelity etc. I think it was a classic example of a relationship in which we’d grown apart and were effectively cohabiting rather than happy husband and wife. The truth is most people who get together at that age go through significant change over the ensuing decade, as you discover more about yourself and life, and grow in confidence. However you don’t necessarily grow in the same direction as your partner. It’s nobody’s fault, although it can be if you fail to acknowledge that and want to realign, but sometimes it’s too late and the love has gone. The marriage has become a routine, and it’s only stepping back and questioning whether you are truly happy that can allow you to figure out whether things can get better, and whether you even want them to.

I think, after 18 years together, there were no surprises, and within that environment there was limited capacity or drive to change. I think after it ended (once the initial trauma was out of the way), I became a much more independent, confident and responsible individual, because I didn’t have the safety barrier of somebody who could provide that extra decision-making or support. I had to do it myself, something I’d never had to do before.

In our case, even if it didn’t immediately seem that way, it was exactly the right decision, for both of us and the kids. Both our lives are happier and the kids have probably massively benefitted from two people that fully co-parent. I could probably write a book about that latter claim, but I believe that the kids splitting their time between two intelligent parents who understand that they are the priority, and that the parents themselves get a “break” from constant parenting while the children are with the other person, has been of huge benefit all round.