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(Osaka, Japan) Citing objections by Democrats, the trump white house has reversed course on building the entire East Wing ballroom out of “soy beans and soy bean products.” The president proposed the material in a call with farmers on Monday morning.

“The entire thing, entirely from soy beans,” trump said to worried farmers on the conference call this morning. “They tell me we’ve got a lot of them, and I said buy them, we have a ballroom to build. China dropped the ball on this one, believe me. They’re ours now, all the soy beans.”

However, the White House reversed course by mid-afternoon, possibly after communications with Clark Construction, who is handling the project. Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters, “the president will include designs such as soy beans, to honor the hard working American farmer. But Democrats refuse to allow this to be built from soy beans, and are holding the government hostage to prevent it.”

Democratic lawmakers deny such objections. Senate leader Chuck Schumer responded to the allegations, saying “we didn’t say they couldn’t do it, we said it was bat-sh*t crazy.”

Farmers are saddened by the reversal. They call on Democrats to open the government, so that the president can buy their crops and use them as building materials as he promised.

Soy bean prices briefly spiked on the announcement, but are now trading down in futures markets.

(Washington DC) On Saturday, a muddy and clearly disheveled donald trump announced to reporters that there was not a secret hoard of gold under the White House East Wing. “We looked everywhere,” said trump. “I had Eric and… and the other one… looking everywhere with shovels. It’s not there.”

Trump has leveled the East Wing of the White House, purportedly to build a new ballroom paid for by donor funds. The demolition was completed last week. Construction is planned to begin soon, according to White House sources.

Trump vows to locate the hidden gold, citing a map he found behind Jackson’s painting in the White House. “Jackson was a wily one, I give him that. Maybe the map was upside down. That’s okay… that’s okay… because we’re now planning a second ballroom, which will take up some portion of the West Wing of the White House.”

(Doha, Qatar) Citing the surprising wanton destruction of 1/3 of the White House by US-backed construction company, Al-Queda, the middle eastern terror organization know for its attacks on the World Trade Center on 9/11, has registered as a construction demolition company in the United States. They state they will specialize in the complete destruction of American monuments and historical buildings, as well as schools, religious buildings, and centers of commerce around the country.

“Times change, and we have to stay with the times,” said Omar Frenshish, a “destruction manager” at the new firm. “It can take years to target and completely level a monument like the White House. When we found out they will literally pay you to destroy America’s history, like seriously give you parking passes for downtown DC while you do it… well, to say we were surprised is an understatement.”

The new firm will only specialize in demolition, leaving the construction process to other firms. Frenshish says this is common in the construction field. “Look at the World Trade Center… it was an entirely different group that built the new building when we were done. We came in, we brought everything down in record time, had no permit delays. We also didn’t get paid for our work. The guys in the office like to joke this makes us extremely ready to work for donald trump.”

Democrats say they are dismayed at the announcement. “This is the same group that led the deadliest attack on US soil in our history. The fact they have made huge donations to the trump foundation should not allow them influence in our country.” But republicans note that the company’s new CEO, Jadeed Mawt, has announced a run as a republican for the mayoral seat of Charlottesville, SC; they say that if the Democrats can have Zohran Mamdani (mayoral candidate in New York), they can run who they back in other states.

Mawt says it is time for the US to look to the future, and the jobs Al-Queda can bring. He notes their proposals to demolish the US Senate, Supreme Court, and the Israeli Knesset could provide thousands of jobs if they are accepted. “American needs to look to its future, and we can do that by helping them destroy the past. Progress to America and the illegal state of Israel.”

(Washington DC) As Demolition of 1/3 of the White House nears completion, a lawsuit has been filed alleging that the partial destruction of the building represents theft of intellectual property by the construction company. The Al-Queda Terror Group (NYSE: AQTG) has filed a $1.2 billion lawsuit, claiming “irreparable harm and damages to their terror plans and intellectual property.”

In drawings released with the suit, an Al-Queda spokesperson shows how the intellectual property was stolen. “In our drawings and documentation, you can see how a vehicle, operating at high speeds relative to its normal operation, and with intent to destroy, demolishes a large portion of the White House and its surrounding property. These pictures of the work of Clark Construction show men, also wearing bulky vests, as noted in our designs, destroyed a large portion of the property and building. This is a theft of our proprietary work to destroy America, and our plans to do so.”

“You will note that many of these drawings date back to 2001, well prior to the destruction by Clark Construction.”

Lawyers for the construction company note that, while they are taking money from a corrupt criminal political leader - who likely does not have legal authority to order the destruction of the White House - the owners of the construction company are republican major donors, which exempts them from any charges of terrorism. While indeed wearing vests and rapidly dismantling an American landmark, all of the construction crews are white and overweight, making their behavior more presidential than an overt act of terror. They feel the suit is merely a misunderstanding.

Talk of a merger to settle the lawsuit is causing excitement on Wall Street, as stocks remain near record highs, as America enters its 4th week of the government shut down.

(Las Vegas, NV) As demolition begins on the East Wing of the White House, a partnership has been struck between the president and Wynn Casinos in Las Vegas. Construction plans are being modified to include 36 luxury rooms on five floors above the planned ballroom, with a penthouse presidential suite and appropriate guest amenities on the lower floor. A glass elevator with a private bar, manned by a Charlie Kirk impersonator, was proposed but may not be implemented fully due to negotiations with the Kirk family.

The president expressed excitement at the deal. “This is the best deal, possibly in the history of deals, and I know deals, people… I am the deal maker. Nearly 40 rooms of opulent decadence, and I know decadence too, believe me… people are lining up for these rooms, it’s incredible.”

Prebookings are already extending out for the next decade. Rooms are named after previous presidents, with extreme interest in bookings for political figures popular with republicans, such as the Kennedy, New Lincoln, and Jefferson Davis bedrooms.

Political ethics scholars note that, in this post-ethics political period, moves such as this were to be expected. One scholar, who asked not to be named out of fear of reprisal, said: “let’s just be happy he didn’t build a new russian embassy there.”

(Lviv, Ukraine) As the Gaza cease fire begins to unravel, a shift in israeli policy has alarmed international aide groups, and drawn question to the future of peace in the region. Friday, israeli prime minister netanyahu announced that in light of the situation in Ukraine, troops will not be pulling back from the yellow line of the current peace agreement in Gaza, and will likely remain until it is confirmed all enemy activity in Ukraine has ended. The move has evoked confusion around the globe.

“Peace should be achieved in both Gaza and Ukraine,” said French Ambassador Frédéric Journès in Tel Aviv. “But we see no reason to conflate the two. Let us have peace in Gaza, and then peace in Ukraine.”

US president trump addressed the surprise announcement in a manner language scholars are still working to unpack. In an impassioned response, he both praised Russia and Israel, demanded peace in Ukraine and called for its surrender, and began to discuss a combined peace plan before a fire alarm forced an early end to the press conference. White House officials say they are monitoring the situation closely, but assume the alarm was accidental.

Many political opponents are crying foul at the announcement, calling it another attempt to avoid impeachment. Netanyahu cannot be impeached during a time of war, and current analysis shows russian would not reach Kiev for another 128 years at the current rate of advancement. They call for the prime minister’s resignation.

While the news is causing ripples cross Europe, it is seeing a surprisingly muted response in the United States. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in central West Virginia, says he is alarmed that both wars are still ongoing, as the president had announced there was peace in both regions.

(Washington DC) As the government shut down continues, and the Epstein Files fester, the White House is denying rumors the president is flirting with leaving his responsibilities and ruling a younger country, leaving JD Vance to “finish her off,” as unnamed sources in the beltway claim.

Trump has three years remaining in his term, and is considered the front runner for the republican party in 2028, despite the constitutional amendment forbidding it. If he left the presidency, Vance would be the 48th president and only second self-proclaimed hillbilly, after Jimmy Carter.

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt strongly denied any rumors the president was leaving. However, trump was seen speculating about what countries he should run other than the US with donors on Friday at a golf venue, with South Sudan being mentioned several times.

A source requesting anonymity confirmed that South Sudan will be the president’s choice. “The US is really old and boring. South Sudan is 14, and that’s exciting… you can do things with a new country they don’t know they’re not supposed to. I can just walk in there, they’d love to have me, have the president, him. That’s where he should go.”

While some Americans would welcome the president’s departure, others insist he should stay the course. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Eastern Kentucky, said: “you can just leave them because they’re boring and old, that’s wrong. You gotta wait ‘till they die first, then take your pick.”

(Memphis, TN) A recent poll of republican voters shows that 89% want more videos of angry or crying liberal Americans, while only 3% want the consequences of the actions that anger them. The poll, released Wednesday, matches the general sentiment of republican lawmakers as well.

Stuart Bibby, an unemployed international shipping manager, expressed sentiments common to many polled. “I love it when those sissy liberals cry over tariffs,” he said in line at a food pantry. “I just wish I didn’t have to wait so long for my momma’s medicine, it’s been held by customs for 4 weeks now.”

Andrea Coggins, a laid-off Federal worker also in line, said: “I’m glad to hear people cry about trimming the excess waste in the federal government, I just wish the mix-up with my department could be cleared up soon. What we did was crucial to running the government, so this was clearly a mistake.”

Lawmakers also want to aggravate their fellow citizens without consequences - Republican leaders acknowledge how had this can be. “We considered passing a law that only democrats would suffer, but we couldn’t find a legal way to target such a diverse group. It’s much easier to be racist, I’m afraid.”

Some Americans enjoy the effects all citizens are suffering. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangling company owner in Rawlins, Wyoming, says the lack of competition is helping his business. “I used to charge $30/hr to detangle a herd… now that them ca-Sucks aren’t around I get $100. I’m glad to see president trump helping the common man that’s rich enough to be a business owner.”

(Washington DC) As the House of Representatives remains closed to prevent release of the Epstein Files and the Senate is making no progress towards compromise, the White House has promised to shut down the Canadian government as well, if a spending bill is not passed in three days. In a tweet Wednesday, trump blamed both democrats and liberals for the shutdown of both governments.

The white house press office offered no explanation how this would occur; press secretary Kathleen Leavitt only stated that the president was expressing his concern about the American people, and was exploring every option to reopen the government. Contradicting this statement was president trump, who said he “had ways” to influence Canada, and that he would follow through on his promise to shut down their government as well, unless democrats acquiesced to republican demands.

The Canadian Government is independent of American control, and troops from Canada have actually burned the white house in previous conflicts. A government spokesperson for Canada said they have no response to the threats, only “a different kind of sorry defines the United States at this time.”

Americans are reacting with mixed emotions to the new consequences proposed by the president. Leo Sturbgetter, a federal cow detangler in Eastern Minnesota, said, “I trust the president to end this shutdown soon and get us paid, and if Canadians have to suffer with us, that’s the price for being America’s hat.”

(Westlake, OH) American Greetings Corp (AM) stock is trading higher after hours, following the announcement of a new partnership with Ruger Firearms to produce etched shell casings, following the recent trend in both assassinations and mass shootings. The announcement has drawn praise from investors, who say innovations such as these could help American Greeting eclipse their primary rival, Hallmark.

Twenty-four generic greetings have been announced, with more to come in the following months. Firearm enthusiasts can look forward to slogans such as “hello, deer,” “miss you… not,” and “this round is on you” being ejected from their weapons starting in November.

Gun control groups point to some of the phrases with concern. They note that “we will always be together” sounds much less threatening on a greeting card than a shell casing.

Some firearm enthusiasts also express concern about the new casing, but more focused on whether they are more prone to jamming, and whether custom rounds can be ordered with other sayings.

The trump administration embraced the idea in an announcement, and stated they also are only a few months away from a bullet release of their own. The “trump bullet” will be 24 caret gold, and have the president’s signature on the shell casing. “Every one of these bullets will have my name on it,” the president said at a golf outing, while his secret service nervously looked on.

(Tempe, AZ) Both backlash from liberals and strong support from republicans is meeting the release of a new gun released by Turning Point USA to memorialize the death of Charlie Kirk, the group’s former CEO. The rifle, equipped with a scope and silencer, and “similar to the weapon that killed Kirk” will be available in November, just in time for the holiday season.

A Turning Point spokesperson said the weapon pays tribute to Kirk’s legacy. “Charlie was a firm believer in gun rights. His last words were about gang violence. We feel that releasing this weapon will help heal the divide his death caused.”

But some say the weapon is in bad taste. The anti-gun group Sandy Hook Promise released a statement saying that any glorification of gun violence, and profiting from it, is unAmerican. They also call out the body targets of Kirk that come with the weapon, asking the logic behind including them.

The weapons, however, are seeing massive preorders. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in urban North Dakota, says he will be buying one to commemorate Kirk. “He died doing what he loved, and I’ll say a prayer for him each time I see him in the scope. Amen.”

The Kirk family were not available for comment on the new weapon.

(Washington DC) As the Nobel Committee announces this year’s Nobel Prize winners, much attention is going to the desires - some would say expectations - of republicans for donald trump to win the prize. However, rumors coming from the White House suggest they have a plan in case the president does not win.

Sources not permitted to speak on the record have revealed that a new “US Peace Prize” will be unveiled in November, which in their words, will surpass the Nobel in every way. Multiple sources confirm the prize will be triple the roughly one million amount given with a Nobel, although other accolades differ between sources. Some noted awards include free entry into all trump-branded clubs and facilities, the ability to claim a national park as vacation property, and “a long row of cheerleaders chanting your name as you go up to receive the award.” Sources indicate that the president is very excited for the naming of the first recipient of the prize.

Sources are concerned, however, for the aide that quipped “why would Obama want to go to a trump golf club” when the prizes were discussed. He has not been seen since.