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(Washington DC) In a confusing emergency press briefing Sunday, press secretary Karoline Leavitt informed the media that the White House is not looking for “the football,” a suitcase that always travels with the president and enables him to launch the US nuclear arsenal. “It is a coffee-colored suitcase about 2-feet by 1-foot, heavy, and may have an open handcuff attached to it,” she said. “Although it is not missing, it would be important to say something if you saw it.”

Members of the media were mixed in their response. “This is probably another ham-fisted attempt to distract from the Epstein files,” said a reporter from CNN, who asked not to be named. “I was really tempted to ask if the files were in the suitcase, if they wouldn’t throw me out over it.” Other reporters agreed, with one saying, “if the files were in there they’d probably lose them harder,” to laughter from those nearby.

Still, some at the briefing expressed concern at the White House’s “over-the-top” attempt to portray things as okay. Said one: “we all know it’s plausible that they lost it, and this is what they’d do if they did. So did they get smarter? Dumber? If they lost the briefcase, what does that mean for national security? Could Pete [Hegseth, Secretary of Defense] have left it in a bar? Really this creates more questions than answers, which is exactly what you’d do to create a distraction.”

The White House’s attentive detail to the non-problem only further muddies the water. Since the briefing, three separate updates have come out, stating that the briefcase is fine, and thanking the press for being diligent watching for it.

The president could not be reached from his golf course for comment.

(Washington DC) White House concerns regarding the Epstein files dominating news coverage hit a new high Friday, as two television networks made large “donations” to the trump presidential library. Both networks said the donations would make sense next week.

Comedy Central, a cable channel often critical of the president, gave a $6.5 million dollar donation to the library, one of trump’s favorite methods to take money from corporations in exchange for favors or leniency. But the donation of $23.5 million from Paramount is the talk of both Hollywood and the Beltway.

“It’s South Park,” said one LA socialite at the new Spam Center opening at Alameda Mall in Beverly Hills. “Rooster and I have a bet, and I get his porche if it’s Star Trek. But everyone knows it’s South Park.” When asked what could merit the high… donation, they replied, “honey, they’ve already shown his dangle, so it has to be good. Can they steal the papers and just show pictures for 30 minutes of every page? That would be so Matt and Trey!”

Of lesser interest is the “donation” of Comedy Central, with the amount much lower than other “donations” in the recent past. Media watchers feel it could be The Daily Show. “Maybe they interview someone who knew trump when he was broke, I don’t know,” said one. “But it’s got nothing on South Park, that was $23.5 million of pure advertising. Do they have his colon scans? No one knows.”

The White House was quick to both demean both channels and accept the donations. However, cracks are appearing in their unified stand. While condemning South Park loudly, Karoline Leavitt was unusually quiet when asked of she would hold a briefing at 10pm on August 6th.

(Washington DC) As Americans grow increasingly alarmed at the rising cost of goods, a new proposal is being floated in the Senate to decrease the value of money in advance, in order to stop inflation. The “Stable Bubble” amendment proposes to reduce the value of the dollar preemptively, thus preventing inflation. Responses have been overwhelmingly positive from republican voters.

“Inflation is a major problem in America,” said Leo Sturbgettter, an unemployed cow detangler from Llano, Texas. “If we can inflate before the prices, we already gonna be inflated. Then there can’t be inflation”

“It’s simple math,” he added.

Not so, says unemployed federal economist and current barrista Tony Larist. “Look I don’t have time to explain this during the rush, but what you’re describing is actually worse than inflation. Call it stoopid inflation. No, use two o’s, it’s that bad.”

When asked how the government would decrease money’s value, the president was extremely candid, apparently pleased to not be dodging Epstein questions. “We have these machines,” he said. “Money machines. All day long they make money, and when I said ‘can they go faster’ they said ‘of course, mr president,’ so I will just print double the money and everything should be fine.”

When asked where the money would go, the president answered, “oh we have places for that… now Epstein… that’s a problem, someone really should look into that.”

The Department of the Treasury would not comment on the proposed plan.

(Annapolis, Maryland) As the trump administration tries desperately to distract from the Epstein files, a new directive has come out to change all Navy vessels’ designation of USS - United States Ship - with the designation PTS, signifying the ship is controlled by president trump. Navy command is expected to begin the new designations at the start of the year.

When questioned at a golf outing in Scotland, trump defended the move. “Well I’m the commander, see… I’m the commander, and I command. These are my ships, because I’m commanding them, so they should say my name. They should, in facts maybe ‘trump’s ship’ is all we need, that will scare the pirates off.”

Washington insiders have trouble deciding if the new move is vanity, an attack on perceived lack of support from the Navy, or a distraction from the Epstein files.

The Department of Defense had no comment on the change.

(Gaza) As hunger grows and relief aid is squeezed by IDF restrictions, Israel was dealt a harsh blow by world court today, saying that the word “Holocaust” cannot be trademarked by the jewish people. Israel had claimed protesters and dying Gazans were violating their rights to the term by using it to describe the wholesale slaughter of Palestinians in Gaza.

“This is anti-Semetic,” said rabbi Abraham Kaughman of the Israeli government. “Six million jews died in the true holocaust caused by the Nazis. We can kill everyone, every one of these people, and we’ll hit three million, tops. That’s not the same.”

“If they called it a pogrom, you know the Ukrainians wouldn’t take it.”

The US president also remarked during a golf outing, “you can’t call it champagne if it’s not from that region… none of these Palestinians are dying in Germany.”

Not all voices are against the ruling. Omar Hessah, a Palestinian man in northern Gaza, said: “my children are starving, please send us aid. This does not have to be a holocaust, please.”

But judges agree that while Israel does not need to kill these people, their death can be called a holocaust.

(Washington DC) In a move even some in his party question, the trump white house says they are ready to release a list of his current, legal-age mistresses, to counter allegations of sexual wrong-doing by the president. Reactions were swift and vocal.

“This was on my bingo card,” shouted one reporter above the uproar at the press briefing. In the flurry of followup questions by reporters, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt clarified that the list is not yet public, there are seven names on it, and two of those named have been in movies (later clarified to being in Netflix original dramas or better). The list will be released when the Epstein documents have not been in the headlines for 3 days. When asked if the list contained all of trumps mistresses, she clarified, “everyone that is on this list is over the age of consent in their state.”

“I hope this finally ends the controversy,” she added.

Mixed reactions are being seen all over the country and around the world. “Seven?” Said Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni. “That’s like trying to drink seven beers at once. I would rather see the files.”

In an opposing view, House Speaker Mike Johnson applauded the president for changing the subject. “I am a man of god, and I would much rather see his list of mistresses, that are legal, then discuss whether there are pedophiles among those that control our government.

Americans are mixed on the topic. Surprisingly, Republican women seem excited to discuss the topic, and a trend of #Imightbeonthelist started briefly in conservative circles, until people began age-checking accounts. Still there is excitement among republicans as they try to guess the seven women of legal age in some states who sleep with the president.

The office of the first lady could not be reached for comment.

(Washington DC) As rumors continue to fly about which sex tape trump will release to distract the media from the Epstein files, one online posting from the president is drawing attention from what he didn’t say.

In a message on truth social this morning, trump posted, “just saw something a bit too racist, thought about posting but decided not to, thank you for your attention on this matter.”

Press Secretary Leavitt had this comment in her morning news briefing: “I don’t personally review the content [the president sees], but I trust him to release only the information America needs to see, and that is what he does.” She refused to comment on followup questions regarding the Epstein files.

Still, curiosity in the media has wanting to know what was too shocking for the president to release. Said one White House watcher, “given what he does put out, it would have to be really bad. Like a dog-drowning-a-baby bad.”

Inside sources at the White House are also confused at the president’s tact in the matter. “I’ve seen what he laughs at,” said one, “and it’s got to be really bad if he cares what people think.”

(Washington DC) As questions mount about trump’s involvement in the Epstein files, and the failure to release them, sources inside the White House say those with known or potential sex tapes are becoming increasingly concerned of their release.

The trump administration, known for its savvy in distracting the media and public, has grown desperate to change headlines, making claims as wide-ranging as demanding Coca Cola change its formulation, to extorting major league football teams. Yet the media, and public, remain fixated on the Epstein files.

“It’s very concerning,” said one blond press staffer who asked not to be named. “We hope the president will attack another country, like New Mexico, but a lot of people [in the administration] are saying a sex tape is the way to go. We were all made to submit any incriminating material when applying, and there are several of the tapes I submitted that could be painful to release.”

“Yes, we’re all concerned,” said one latino staff member in the state department. “I have material out there that’s pretty bad-looking, but given the late hour it was shot, you can tell that pony is only tired, not drugged, and everything is consensual. Still, it would look bad, even though as I said everything was consensual.”

Members of the media agree the tactic may work. “Would I replace the Epstein headlines with a sex tape story,” said one, “let me look at a list of department heads. No, no, yes, maybe, no, maybe on a bet, hell no… I’ll admit I had a dream about this one so maybe. I have to admit, it depends on the person and the tape.”

Only time will tell how the administration will continue to buy time until the scandal blows over. The president’s office was unavailable for comment, reportedly due to increasing tensions with New Mexico.

(Washington DC) As Republicans scramble to justify not releasing the Epstein files after campaigning heavily on their release, more concerning news has come from the White House that the president has begun referring to himself as “Doctor trump.” Multiple White House staff, who ask not to be named, say the president’s staff has requested all White House personnel use the new title when in his presence.

“We think a real doctor left a stethoscope in the Oval Office,” said one, “and he started playing with it… either that or he was commenting on how smart it sounds to say doctor when you have a PhD… look, we can only say he says he’s a doctor, and we’ve been told to play along.”

When questioned, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the new change. “The president is the doctor America needs,” she said at a fundraising event for a golden calf statue being planned for the White House Christmas. “The main stream media should go back to school, to try to keep up with the most brilliant leader of the free world.” She would not answer questions about what kind of doctor trump claimed to be, only saying, “he is the best kind of doctor, that’s all that matters.”

Trump was also vague about the title at his golf course in New Jersey on Saturday, while taking break from golfing in Florida. “I could be a doctor of golf, if I wanted… the Masters… only the Masters, I could play in the Doctors, it’s better than the Masters, I’ll show you, the Saudis did it, it’s very classic. Oh, what kind of doctor am I? Well why don’t you guess a few times, I don’t think you can get it but you can try.” He rebuffed many attempts by the press to guess, pausing only briefly before denying ‘Ultra-Money-Making’ as his specialty.

Democrats responded sharply, by stating that the title of Doctor is not something to be trifled with, and pointing out the many Democrats with actual doctorates or medical degrees. But some political watchers note that complaining, a common Democratic tactic, does not seem to hinder the president from doing what he wants.

Trump was still referring to himself as “Doctor trump” at newstime.

(Washington DC) As questions swirl about the Epstein files, DC locals have noticed a new rental listing in the area: the White House. The official White House web page lists availability and pricing to stay a night in the famous bedrooms on the property. Several rooms are already booked for weeks at a time, even with pricing sometimes reaching $1 million per night (including DC area room taxes and fees). Opinions are mixed on the legality and even value of the listings.

“This is a novelty purchase,” said one sheik who asked not to be identified. “One must usually be a head of state to stay here, but now, at last, the ultra rich can add their importance to the building.”

“I have rented the Lincoln Bedroom for a week,” he added. “It’s supposed to be haunted. At the price I am paying, I hope the soft moans of Karoline Leavitt will be heard outside the room, if you know what I mean.”

Other parties are eager for the rooms as well. Sergey Naryshkin, head of Russian intelligence, says “we have little need for additional ears in the White House, but we have rented some rooms as a show of support to the current administration.” His show of support is being echoed by parties all over the world, eager show their interest in the needs of the president.

“I hear Xi Jinping was browsing the website,” trump mentioned in a press briefing, supposedly about US sharing of nuclear technology but which quickly became a sales pitch for the plan. “I’m not saying any of you can afford it, but certainly you can show this to your business owners…. Not you, Kristen, Rupert [Murdoch] already has a room.”

Some on the left are concerned about the program, and especially the “loyalty points” program rumored to be attached to the stay. Per Anderson Cooper: “100,000 points and ‘we pardon any problems with your stay,’ I’m hearing. I feel we should really bring that up with an adult, if one is left in the room.”

No adults could be reached by newstime.

(Kerr County, Texas) As Texas recover from devastating July 4th Floods, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, or ICE, reminds americans to remain vigilant of attempts to enter the country illegally. ICE reports over 800 foreign nationals have been detained near the flooding, with more being found daily, some actually turning themselves in at rescue stations with recovered bodies or grateful survivors.

“This man pulled me out of a tree,” one woman said, shaking, as her rescuer was led away in handcuffs. He spent an hour getting his boat close enough through the debris. I should have died.”

Her rescuer, 27-year-old Manuel Riveras, is a rescue swimmer from Juarez, Mexico, and was leading a team of 11 to help search for missing residents. All 12 of them were immediately put on a plane to Honduras.

“We have a serious problem, people,” the president said in a speech on Monday. “Elements of a Mexican cartel named ‘el Bombidaro’ have entered the country during this terrible crisis. Members are actively identifying themselves as Bombidaro when asked… that’s how brazen they are… and it’s dangerous, people, some of them look like you or me.”

Press spokesperson Karoline Leavit emphasized the danger Tuesday morning. “We are having problems finding people that can translate the Mexican, but we are extremely confident these Bombidaros are led by a man named ‘El Capitan del Búsqueda y Rescate.’ We the White House has a message for Captain del Búsqueda y Rescate… leave-o the United States-o.”

The Mexican Government says they have considered filing a protest, but realize it’s probably better to just meet their people at the airport in Honduras.

(Cut and Shoot, Texas) As locals grieve and rescuers continue to recovery bodies, FEMA acting Director David Richardson told reporters this morning that he is deploying 600,000 prayers to the region, some sourced directly from local communities around the flood.

“We grieve with the residents of Texas, as the nation grieves. These prayers are a sign of our commitment, to letting the region recover on their own strength, without the meddlesome interference of the federal government.”

Richardson displayed a table of special votive candles created specifically for the event, depicting hundreds of crosses along a swollen river. “Those aren’t free,” he admonished a bystander who examined one. “These candles are a part of the recovery effort, and the president’s office assures me these are “the best candles, the very best,” and that a portion of the proceeds from each candle will go to reliefs efforts. They also clip onto a body bag, which is helpful given the tragedy we experienced this week.”

When asked when a permanent Director would be appointed to FEMA, given that we are one month into hurricane season, Richardson was optimistic. “Yesterday, the president tweeted my first name and said I was amazing, so I feel confident I will be confirmed before hurricane season ends.” He showed reporters the tweet, noting, “see that’s my name, and he mentions Texas. Anyway, who wants a candle?”

Ted Cruz could not be reached in Greece for comment.