spirinolas

I need to write this because it's so fucked up I wouldn't drop this on the few people that still care about me.

I no longer live. I exist. Eleven years ago I was a sad guy, with drug problems and incapable of any meaningful social connection. Something happened that caused a perfect storm and I turned my life around. For the only time in my life, I was actually happy. I remember telling that to myself and it was such a great time. I had a group of friends I identified with. I had my first girlfriend. But nothing ever lasts.

When that relationship broke down, in less than a year I was alone and essentially broken down as a human being. I have never been so unhappy. I coped though. In two years I was with someone else and that helped mask the pain of no longer having any friends. But it was an abusive relationship. Earlier this year I had to end it.

My loneliness suddenly was on the open air. This summer vacation I was miserable. I wanted to go to the beach. I wanted to go out. But I had no one. My only friends are a couple and they need time for themselves and I've been slowly drifting away. I spent my days programming in a mall because being home was unbearable. At the mall I felt human presence. It was almost as being with someone.

I tried to meet someone but I have been atypically unsuccessful. It's a pattern. I meet someone, we talk, we connect. We start to get very close and when I make my feelings known they don't see me that way. The third time I was so jaded I decided to act like an asshole and in a short while I was sleeping with someone. The moment we got close and I let my guard down she left. After that I started talking to someone I met before but never really pursued. She was as weird as me. I got close unintentionally this time. Until I realized I had feelings for her and froze. As soon as she knew, she blew any of my hopes and I can't be around her anymore.

It's not a coincidence. There's something awful wrong with me. Something was never right since I was a kid. I repel people. Even people that like me. Hell…most people like me and I'm a great guy on paper. But there's something nobody can put their finger on. Maybe I'm on the spectrum, maybe I'm deep down an asshole. Maybe it's the universe telling me I shouldn't exist. It's not that I should die it's more that I should've never been born. My existence makes no sense. I'm intelligent but could never finish my education and I'm stuck being a glorified janitor. I'm social but I lost all my friends. I'm charismatic and maybe even handsome…but I can't attract anyone balanced. It's like my existence is a bug in the fucking universe. I make no sense.

I truly wanted to stop living. I think about suicide sometimes but I can never do it because it would destroy my elder mother. My sister would be hurt but I think she'd eventually move on. But not my mother. It would be taking away her happiness in her remaining years. But one day she'll be gone. And then it will be harder not to consider it. Don't panic, I'm not actually suicidal…now. But there's a dark cloud and I know (and this I can never tell anyone) how I will die. It will be by my hand. One day. I hate my dead end job and I'm stuck. I'm alone. And I will always be. Some people don't know better and try to show their hand but I can no longer get close. I know I will be a burden. I know I will repel them eventually. And one day it will be unbearable and I will end it. It's far away…but inevitable. And I feel this every day. Sometimes that are temporary rays of hope and I almost feel happy. But reality always cone back. For a few years now I've know I will kill myself one day.

Lately, when I get really depressed, I can only stay in my bed locked in my room. I lay in bed. Sometimes a cry. Days at a time. I don't eat. I can't do any of my hobbies. I can't even jerk off. Eventually I get up because I have to work. Wearing a mask at work is exhausting. And it's failing. People are noticing. How couldn't they. I get home and I just weep. And nothing ever gets better. I hate existing.

This happened just now. It’s not serious but, God I wanted to bang my head in a wall.

So, I work in a government non-specialized job. I have some education in IT and I’m trying to get back into the industry after a hiatus (long story). While my job is non-specialized, the bosses realized I’m a somewhat competent programmer and developer (in a tech-illiterate environment I’m basically a God) and basically put me in a position to develop content for the institution I’m at. They get nice whistles and bell and I get to develop my portfolio while avoiding the most boring jobs. You can probably guess some coworkers don’t like it and think I’m lazy because I’m “always on the computer”, but I digress. It’s definitely not the case with Jimmy he at least understands what I do.

Jimmy joined the staff not long ago. He used to be a security guard supervisor and is a competent computer user. In that place that is a lot better than most people. But he knows nothing of programming or development or even intermediate tech support. But he is resourceful and knows how to figure some things out. We get along fine but he is older than me and can be a bit condescending. The moment he arrived I was glad I, at least, had someone else tech-literate. While talking to him I found out he had been enrolled in a Computer Engineering degree but quit on the first semester because “he had no time to go to classes”. I was very optimistic until I saw him do some dumb things. One was using a random charger for a laptop because “it is all the same and I know better, kid” (I stopped him just in time). The other was seeing me working on a disassembled machine trying to troubleshoot and he basically banged on a hard drive because “all this needs is a little slap”. I almost had a heart attack and managed to stop him as he was about to unknowingly destroy a hard drive.

He used to see me programming and I use LLM’s to help me speed some things up. He would, half-joking (or not), say it was easy and he did the same at home and I just tried to make it look harder. After a while he came with a small web app he did to help in his post. It was visually nice, and I applauded his initiative, but I quickly realized it was vibe coded 100%. It was basically HTML and JS all in a single *.htm file. I don’t like to put people down or be arrogant so I just complimented the aesthetics of it. It was never usable. I tried to lure him to try to fix it with my help but he was never interested.

Recently we changed posts and I got his old post since it would leave me more free to develop and give tech support. I decided to make something more usable to “replace” his app. I didn’t want him to feel I was trying to make him look bad so I decided I’d try to fit his code in the project I started in Laravel. The aesthetics would still be there so he would still be recognized for his initiative. But I soon realized nothing short of the layout would be usable (he had a harcoded pin code in JS, I shit you not) and even that I eventually left out since the interface wouldn’t be practical.

Well, sorry for the long context, story time:

Today as we’re leaving work he comes to me with a very condescending tone telling me that app was sure to get me in trouble. I had 2 QR codes in my desk. One with my local hotspot with restrictions that runs on the local network, and another with one of my projects ip (that runs in a machine inside the network only I have access to). Everything developed using MVC in Laravel and proper authentication. He actually took a picture of it and showed it to me saying it was the most unsafe thing ever (and probably to other people, but whatever). He was holding that picture like it was the most damning thing ever, like it was the thing that could make me be disciplined for. At first I was dumbfounded because I wasn’t truly understanding what was wrong. For a moment I even got worried I had missed something obvious. So I kept asking him what was the problem because I was probably missing it. At first he was saying the local hotspot was a security risk and I should use the local network only (uh). Then he was saying the app I already developed was unsafe to be there and should be on the Internet (I didn’t laugh in his face, I’m proud of my composure). Then he told me, in his majestic tone to this lowly pleb, there were rules about data protection and privacy, like any half-competent developer wouldn’t know about it. In between some vague concerns and contradictions and insinuations I was getting in trouble with the bosses (that 100% trust me when IT is concerned). I basically insisted he explained himself properly. Always while he was keeping that annoying condescending smirk. I kept my composure and forced him to explain himself properly. Until he eventually realized how blatantly he exposed his ignorance and was making a fool of himself. And he started avoiding the conversation saying stuff like “oh, I don’t care, don’t say I didn’t warn you”.

I know what you’re thinking. He’s trying to scare me into stopping improving that post, since he can see how much of a major improvement it will be. I’m used to it, so I don’t care. I’ll be leaving that job as soon as I can jump ship anyway. But the more he talks the more I realize that he isn’t as capable as I think. Even in other contexts he does everything to look smart but fails. But it was so frustrating trying to explain to me he had no clue what he was talking about and, until today, I hadn’t realized how threatened he felt by me. I know he wants to be the go-to IT guy and try to stand out from the rest of us, but he has no chance while I’m around. And after the ignorance I heard today…I wouldn’t even trust him with a laptop administrator account.

This happened just now. It's not serious but, God I wanted to bang my head in a wall.

So, I work in a government non-specialized job. I have some education in IT and I'm trying to get back into the industry after a hiatus (long story). While my job is non-specialized, the bosses realized I'm a somewhat competent programmer and developer (in a tech-illiterate environment I'm basically a God) and basically put me in a position to develop content for the institution I'm at. They get nice whistles and bell and I get to develop my portfolio while avoiding the most boring jobs. You can probably guess some coworkers don't like it and think I'm lazy because I'm "always on the computer", but I digress. It's definitely not the case with Jimmy he at least understands what I do.

Jimmy joined the staff not long ago. He used to be a security guard supervisor and is a competent computer user. In that place that is a lot better than most people. But he knows nothing of programming or development or even intermediate tech support. But he is resourceful and knows how to figure some things out. We get along fine but he is older than me and can be a bit condescending. The moment he arrived I was glad I, at least, had someone else tech-literate. While talking to him I found out he had been enrolled in a Computer Engineering degree but quit on the first semester because "he had no time to go to classes". I was very optimistic until I saw him do some dumb things. One was using a random charger for a laptop because "it is all the same and I know better, kid" (I stopped him just in time). The other was seeing me working on a disassembled machine trying to troubleshoot and he basically banged on a hard drive because "all this needs is a little slap". I almost had a heart attack and managed to stop him as he was about to unknowingly destroy a hard drive.

He used to see me programming and I use LLM's to help me speed some things up. He would, half-joking (or not), say it was easy and he did the same at home and I just tried to make it look harder. After a while he came with a small web app he did to help in his post. It was visually nice, and I applauded his initiative, but I quickly realized it was vibe coded 100%. It was basically HTML and JS all in a single *.htm file. I don't like to put people down or be arrogant so I just complimented the aesthetics of it. It was never usable. I tried to lure him to try to fix it with my help but he was never interested.

Recently we changed posts and I got his old post since it would leave me more free to develop and give tech support. I decided to make something more usable to "replace" his app. I didn't want him to feel I was trying to make him look bad so I decided I'd try to fit his code in the project I started in Laravel. The aesthetics would still be there so he would still be recognized for his initiative. But I soon realized nothing short of the layout would be usable (he had a harcoded pin code in JS, I shit you not) and even that I eventually left out since the interface wouldn't be practical.

Well, sorry for the long context, story time:

Today as we're leaving work he comes to me with a very condescending tone telling me that app was sure to get me in trouble. I had 2 QR codes in my desk. One with my local hotspot with restrictions that runs on the local network, and another with one of my projects ip (that runs in a machine inside the network only I have access to). Everything developed using MVC in Laravel and proper authentication. He actually took a picture of it and showed it to me saying it was the most unsafe thing ever (and probably to other people, but whatever). He was holding that picture like it was the most damning thing ever, like it was the thing that could make me be disciplined for. At first I was dumbfounded because I wasn't truly understanding what was wrong. For a moment I even got worried I had missed something obvious. So I kept asking him what was the problem because I was probably missing it. At first he was saying the local hotspot was a security risk and I should use the local network only (uh). Then he was saying the app I already developed was unsafe to be there and should be on the Internet (I didn't laugh in his face, I'm proud of my composure). Then he told me, in his majestic tone to this lowly pleb, there were rules about data protection and privacy, like any half-competent developer wouldn't know about it. In between some vague concerns and contradictions and insinuations I was getting in trouble with the bosses (that 100% trust me when IT is concerned). I basically insisted he explained himself properly. Always while he was keeping that annoying condescending smirk. I kept my composure and forced him to explain himself properly. Until he eventually realized how blatantly he exposed his ignorance and was making a fool of himself. And he started avoiding the conversation saying stuff like "oh, I don't care, don't say I didn't warn you".

I know what you're thinking. He's trying to scare me into stopping improving that post, since he can see how much of a major improvement it will be. I'm used to it, so I don't care. I'll be leaving that job as soon as I can jump ship anyway. But the more he talks the more I realize that he isn't as capable as I think. Even in other contexts he does everything to look smart but fails. But it was so frustrating trying to explain to me he had no clue what he was talking about and, until today, I hadn't realized how threatened he felt by me. I know he wants to be the go-to IT guy and try to stand out from the rest of us, but he has no chance while I'm around. And after the ignorance I heard today...I wouldn't even trust him with a laptop administrator account.

I live in a poorer country where I live with less than 10k a year. It's low but since my country is generally less expensive I can live (and vacation) there with some comfort as long as I don't go crazy. I'm a frugal person so I don't miss out on anything.

My sister and brother-in-law went to live in Europe and they are doing very well. Together they easily make 200k. I'm happy for them.

The problem starts when I visit. The country they live in is far more expensive than mine. It isn't always a problem since I don't have to pay for accommodation and cooking at home is sustainable. The problem is they always want to eat out and do expensive activities (for my standards). And they always leave out the price until it's time to pay since the price is meaningless for them. At first they would chip in until my brother-in-law started pulling "it's your turn to pay now". Imagine being given a dinner tab that is almost as much as your monthly paycheck.

Visiting has become stressing as hell, when I should be relaxing. I tried to talk about it, that eating at home would be more affordable for me, but they quickly go back to old habits. At this point I just decided it's not worth it to visit anymore and blow my year savings in a few days. They're not happy and, as much as I try, I can't make them understand how much money I make. They can't understand you can't buy 100 euro meals everyday when you earn less than a 200 a week.

It's also not much better when they visit our country but at least I know what prices to expect and since I'm home I can find an excuse to ditch them.

Maybe we have just grown appart and that's that.

I live in a poorer country where I live with less than 10k a year. It's low but since my country is generally less expensive I can live (and vacation) there with some comfort as long as I don't go crazy. I'm a frugal person so I don't miss out on anything.

My sister and brother-in-law went to live in Europe and they are doing very well. Together they easily make 200k. I'm happy for them.

The problem starts when I visit. The country they live in is far more expensive than mine. It isn't always a problem since I don't have to pay for accommodation and cooking at home is sustainable. The problem is they always want to eat out and do expensive activities (for my standards). And they always leave out the price until it's time to pay since the price is meaningless for them. At first they would chip in until my brother-in-law started pulling "it's your turn to pay now". Imagine being given a dinner tab that is almost as much as your monthly paycheck.

Visiting has become stressing as hell, when I should be relaxing. I tried to talk about it, that eating at home would be more affordable for me, but they quickly go back to old habits. At this point I just decided it's not worth it to visit anymore and blow my year savings in a few days. They're not happy and, as much as I try, I can't make them understand how much money I make. They can't understand you can't buy 100 euro meals everyday when you earn less than a 200 a week.

It's also not much better when they visit our country but at least I know what prices to expect and since I'm home I can find an excuse to ditch them.

Maybe we have just grown appart and that's that.

Back in 2019, I was broken up by my ex which pretty much destroyed me. Well, long story short...2 years later I met someone and against my best judgement we entered a relationship.

Today that relationship ended and, just like last time right before the 4 year mark. Except this time...it was pretty much mutual and while I did fight to the very end it was out of stubbornness. I was checked out for a while now. And while I do feel sad I didn't expected this huge relief.

You see, Patty was, deep down, a good person. That's why I took a chance with her and ended up together for almost 4 years. But from day one, she showed some serious SERIOUS emotional problems.

Patty had a temper. A really bad temper. Any kind of frustration or, god forbid, criticism was responded with evil eyes, silent treatment or outbursts. Communication was very difficult. It was really ridiculous. It did improve after the first year. But it was always a problem until our last fight that lead to the break-up. In the end, she herself faced the fact she was hurting me bad. I had developed major anxiety when I was with her and walked on egg shells constantly. By the end I developed stress migraines and even had some panic attacks when talking with her.

Patty was also the most negative person I know. Everything was awful for her. She hated Easter, she hated Christmas, she hated birthdays. She didn't like much to socialize and that caused my own social relations to deteriorate. Every time we talked she was complaining about something. Her parents, her coworkers, her school, everything. This was a woman that in the 4 years we dated went through 5 different jobs. All ended the same way. Everything was awful, everyone was out to get her and she eventually quit all of them. The last one she quit without an alternative and dedicated herself to school. Everything was awful, everything was bad. And when I was trying to be positive she would constantly drive my mood down. She didn't make a single effort. She was seeing a psychologist since before I met her. A year ago she told her she couldn't help her and she had to see a psychiatrist. She refused, she said she didn't like psychiatrists that they would only medicate her. I actually gave her an ultimatum which I eventually didn't follow, to my regret.

She had no hobbies and no interests. I tried to show her movies and shows and she did like a few. At home she watched...zero. Still, she was always complaining she was too stressed when all she did was revisiting the stuff from the job that day and didn't take a second for herself. Oh wait, she did. She liked to read. I actually showed her Orwell's 1984. She couldn't go past the first chapter. All she read was self-help books from questionable charlatans and acted like it was literature.

She did had her good things, of course. But I wonder if it was even worth it. I wasted 4 years on this out of my own stubbornness. I feel fine for now but I can feel the up and downs coming. As soon as I start to miss our routines and familiarity I will get very sad. But when I do all I have to do is remember the outbursts, the childish discussions that went nowhere and the constant negativity. Right now...I actually feel relief.

I've tried GetHomepage and while I've configured most of it I've had a few troubles due to the instructions being very incomplete and confusing.

The one problem that eluded me was setting paperlessngx widget. Worth nothing that, unlike the other services, paperlessngx is running on docker-compose on my server. While the widget detects the service, it never gets any information

Eventually it just gives an API error

# services.yaml (just the relevant part)
   
     - Paperless-ngx:
        href: http://<myserverhost:port>
        description: Document Management System
        icon: https://static-00.iconduck.com/assets.00/paperless-icon-426x512-eoik3emb.png
        server: paperless
        widget:
          type: paperlessngx
          url: http://<local-ip:port>
          token: <token-configured-inside-paperless>


    #docker.yaml

    paperless:
      host: <local-ip>
      port: <port>    

I'm out of ideas. Unfortunately the only instructions are on the site and they aren't easy to follow if you're not already familiarized with docker.

When I'm uploading a show to my server, or setting the subtitles or whatever, I'd like to have the show disabled and invisible to everyone until I have everything uploaded and set up at 100%. Is there a way to do this?

I developed an app in Laravel that uses Google authentication, it works perfectly on my localhost. When I deployed it in my nginx server (ubuntu 24.04) I get the Google login correctly and it proceeds to my main page as expected. But after that, no route is accessible. All of them throw me a 404. I've been googling it for ages but I can't for the life of me find the solution for this.

EDIT: The 404 comes from Laravel, not nginx. The weird part is if I try php artisan route:list on the ser the routes are indeed missing but on the localhost they all show. The code is pretty much the same.

Here's is my app conf file:

server {
    server_name partituras-cmcgb.duckdns.org;
    root /var/www/html/partviewer/public;

    index index.php index.html index.htm;

    location / {
        try_files $uri $uri/ /index.php?$query_string;
    }

    location ~ \.php$ {
        include snippets/fastcgi-php.conf;
        fastcgi_pass unix:/var/run/php/php8.3-fpm.sock;
        fastcgi_param SCRIPT_FILENAME $document_root$fastcgi_script_name;
        include fastcgi_params;
    }

    location ~ /\.ht {
        deny all;
    }

    error_log /var/log/nginx/partviewer-error.log;
    access_log /var/log/nginx/partviewer-access.log;

    listen 443 ssl; # managed by Certbot
    ssl_certificate /etc/letsencrypt/live/partituras-cmcgb.duckdns.org/fullchain.pem; # managed by Certbot
    ssl_certificate_key /etc/letsencrypt/live/partituras-cmcgb.duckdns.org/privkey.pem; # managed by Certbot
    include /etc/letsencrypt/options-ssl-nginx.conf; # managed by Certbot
    ssl_dhparam /etc/letsencrypt/ssl-dhparams.pem; # managed by Certbot

}
server {
    if ($host = partituras-cmcgb.duckdns.org) {
        return 301 https://$host$request_uri;
    } # managed by Certbot


    listen 80;
    server_name partituras-cmcgb.duckdns.org;
    return 404; # managed by Certbot


}

I've known Jack for a couple of years. He's kind of a loner but we always got along as we both have some geeky interests. We're both introverts but I'm somewhat more social.

My girlfriend is also an introvert and when I introduced them, years ago, it was awkward at first but they got along pretty well. We hang out occasionally the three of us.

Mostly we talk in a Facebook group, and I talk to him in private messages. A few times, when he went through a family problem, I knew (from my girlfriend) that he vented to her in a private messages. She was happy to help but felt the need to tell me and I was OK with it.

When we do something at my house, I always invite him but he always refuses. The few times he aquiesced was because my girlfriend convinced him. Sometimes he disables all his social media and we loose all contact.

The latest one has been going for a while. I tried to call him multiple times but he never answers. When my girlfriend messages him he answers immediately. We actually tested that when we were together.

Lately he's been sending her messages trying to chit chat and being somewhat insistent. She felt it was very weird, specially after her seeing he never answer my calls. This latest time she actually confronted him about it and point blank asked him if he was mad at me and that it was all very weird.

You know what I'm thinking...but I'd like to know your perspective.

The title. I've been delaying long enough and I can't really wait anymore. I need a new GPU. I could really use some advice.

Right now I have a GTX 1060 3 GB with a Ryzen 7 2700X CPU and 32 GB RAM. Mostly I use it for gaming in 1080p but it's not impossible I'll eventually increase it (but unlikely).

I'll accept suggestions outside of my options but keep in mind the prices in my country are different. I'm not looking to buy used for various reasons (lack of warranty is one).

My options are:

RTX 3060 12 GB (290 euros)

RTX 4060 8 GB (330 euros)

RX 7600 XT 12 GB (380 euros)

RX 6750 XT 12 GB (400 euros)

RX 6700 XT 12 GB (420 euros)

RTX 4060ti 16 GB (480 euros)

I was really trying to keep it way below 400 euros. The 7600 XT is already a stretch but I could be convinced to raise the budget to the upper 400s for something with really good bang for buck.

I appreciate the help

UPDATE: In the end I decided to go for the RX 6750 XT for 405 euros but, as is my habit, I decided I should sleep on it. And thank god I did. The next day I went online and had already decided to buy it when I saw it was the store's birthday and they were doing some nice discounts and the 6750 was at 360 euros (limited to stock). I immediately bought. What are the odds?! She'll be here in a couple of days.