Curated Tumblr
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For preserving the least toxic and most culturally relevant Tumblr heritage posts.
The best transcribed post each week will be pinned and receive a random bitmap of a trophy superimposed with the author's username and a personalized message. Here are some OCR tools to assist you in your endeavors:
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FOSS Android Recs per u/m_f@discuss.online: 1 , 2
Don't be mean. I promise to do my best to judge that fairly.
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bitt-better
Feb 4
I SHOT THE HEAD OFF THE CPR MANNEQUIN WHAT THE HELL
bitt-better
Feb 4
IM GONNA PISS MYSELF JFC
ok so the last time i got cpr certified was when i was a tiny lil thing in high school to be a lifeguard for the kiddie swim lessons we taught. so its been a minute, yeah?
i am required to be cpr certified in my position at my job, smth that has not been brought up at ALL in the last 3 years ive been here, so i went to retake the course and all that. I went with a coworker, we partnered up and named our dummy Charles because we're cool like that. ended up having to use the table instead of the floor because of my bad knee and recently healed ankle, so we're above everyone else. We get charles ready, and i end up going first as the first responder, so i'm going over the process in my brain. 30 compressions at 100-120BPM, two respirations, AED, etc. etc. I was also remembering how hard it was to do proper compressions in my tiny little body at 14, so I knew it took more force than i thought to get the compressions deep enough, so i prepared to have to use my body weight and fucking send it. But! it turns out, since im not 4'11" anymore it was in fact Not Very Difficult to get past 2 inches, so it was fine and the instructor actually told me to ease up. I did awesome, compressions were deep and at proper rate, gold star for me.
however, my brain did not connect the dots that if the compressions would take less force, so would the respirations. Me at 14 had to use my full lung capacity to get the chest to rise at all, so I, with my full adult lung capacity and 10+ years of competitive swim, vocal training with breath support, and occasional dabble into brass instruments as I make my way around an orchestra, decide that I need to still full blast for the thing to work. i have to save charles, after all, so fucking send it ig. two very fast, very HARD breaths.
charles's chest plate lifts off and resettles incorrectly, i am none the wiser because i am (wrongly) focusing on the fucking little LEDs on the dummy being green instead of actually registering the movement of the chest like youre supposed to. My coworker, however, has noticed that charles might be A Little Fucked Right Now, and tries to get my attention, but i am FOCUSED because you gotta do the full two minutes and all that. so i switch back to the compression.
the chest plate, no longer in proper position to hold the head in place, clicks weirdly, and next thing i know the charles's head fucking LAUNCHES off into the fucking wall, nearly missing another person's head. his chest flipped up off his body and his head is gone and trailing that little plastic bag that the air you breathe into, completely deflated.
i fucking OVERINFLATED the bag to the point where when i did a compression it fucking POPPED and sent the head flying. the class had to stop for a full fucking 15 minutes to get itself together while i melted into my chair in embarassment i wanted to DIE
the instructor was fucking dying she was all like, 'ok you remember when i was giving the list of instances when you can stop cpr? you can stop now because he's dead' AND EVERYONE WAS LAUGHING AT ME AND MY COWORKER WAS FUCKING HEAVING AND WHEEZING HARD ENOUGH TO FALL OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND IM SO FUCKING MORTIFIED
I DECAPITATED CHARLES IN A CLASS ON HOW TO SAVE SOMEONES LIFE SOMEONE FUCKING KILL ME
miraculous-lesbeans
Feb 6
This is the best argument I’ve ever seen for CPR certification expiring. Charles laid down his inanimate life for a good cause.
4
Reveal Transcript
generalgrievousdatingsim: "woman"? no you misheard. I'm an omen.
generalgrievousdatingsim: i don't identify as "male" or "female", i identify as a warning
6
transcript
they need to invent the opposite of an nda called an fda where u have to tell everyone everything
(ilovedirt Nov15, 2024)
subpoena
(virtualgirladv Nov15. 2024)
tumblr
(earhartsease Nov17, 2024)
alcohol
(beltsquid Dec 18, 2024)
war thunder forums
7
teaboot
One time my mom took me to a hibachi grill with a bunch of her friends and if you've never been to a hibachi grill basically the draw is that there's a bunch of interactive performance stuff done by the cook who cooks for you at your table, and one of the tricks they did at this one was take a squeeze bottle full of liquor and shoot it into your mouth across the table (with permission)
And now at our table my mom explained this because it was my first time going, and she wanted to make sure to warn me it was liquor because she knows I don’t drink- she just said "if he offers to shoot at your mouth, say no because it's alcohol".
And so the chef does his thing and it's all very impressive, but the time does come where he pulls out this squeeze bottle of booze and asks me if I wanna try
I of course say no, because I really don’t do alcohol, so he moves on to someone else
And I watch, and slowly come to understand that this is some sort of game, because once someone is drinking from the continuous flow the chef starts counting "ONE! TWO! THREE!"
I realize that we're trying to see who can keep drinking the liquor from three feet away without choking or spilling, and its a bummer cause i kinda wanna try and I CAN'T
But he goes around the table with everyone there, and I think my mom makes it to three, one friend makes it to five, I think my brother got to three as well, and he comes back to me
And I’m REALLY bummed out now but I will not drink alcohol, so I sort of sadly repeat that I can't when he pulls out a SECOND BOTTLE and grins and goes "juice?"
And I'm like FUCK YEAH LET'S GO and I'm a bit worried he's gonna spray it into my eye or something but he doesn't, it hits me right at the back of the throat, and I start drinking while the whole fucking table counts "ONE! TWO! THREE!"
And like
It just sorta
Kept going?
And I'm looking at the chef and he starts freaking out by the time we get to six, and at around seven I kinda start looking around and my auntie is staring back in shock, my brother is laughing his ass off and my mom has her face in her hands
And then at like nine or ten it gets like. Super tense and quiet, and only the chef is still counting
And I guess it got too much for even him cause we're at eleven and I don’t believe in quitting early and it is almost painful how awkward it’s getting
So he cuts me off at twelve and raises his hands in the air and everyone else cheers and claps like a dumb movie
and I just sit back in my seat to look back at my mother staring at me surrounded by everyone she knows, bright fucking red in the face and choking with honest to god tears in her eyes as she puts her face back in her palms and starts chanting "I don't want to know. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know"
So I give her the biggest, proudest grin and tell her, "I won."
So now every time something suggestive happens in a movie, or in conversation, or something shocking happens around us and she goes to jokingly cover my ears, I just ask her, "Remember when I won?"
And she goes face-down and groans, because I know EXACTLY how she thinks I trained to develop that particular skill and she HATES knowing that about me
The truth is though, I'm a whole ass 28 year old virgin. I've never so much as kissed anyone in my life. I had no idea I could do that trick until that exact moment
But she doesn’t know that, and I’m never gonna tell her
#EVER #That is the proudest I have ever been #teaboot #teaboot stories
9
cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/21870944
show transcript
freakoutgirl posts:
*feels my body get anxious for no reason*
what is it boy, what do you see?
13
206
HORSIFIER 8 was fine but it kinda feels like they lost the plot since they killed off The Jockey so soon
(lemmy.blahaj.zone)
cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/21484248
show transcript
gentlyorbiting posted:
i'm the guy who writes the books that the protagonist in supernatural horror movies frantically reads somewhere in act ii. job's pretty easy. lot of "legends of vampires have recurred all throughout human history" and "demonologists agree that the quickest way to un-summon a demon is to trap it in a cursed object". no citations of course; they don't pay me citation money. i had to learn html back in the early aughts when everyone started seeking their supernatural info on websites they found via top search engines like FINDLER and WEBSIGHT but that's died down now which is great because i didn't have it in me to pick up css. currently working on a new book about horses that are evil. it's called HORSES THAT ARE EVIL in all caps so the protagonist can find it quickly to yank off the library shelf. it will be published 35 years ago.
15
cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/21329716
show transcript
conarcoin posts:
neopets forum posts i reference all the time [several screenshots follow][first screenshot] Is arguing some kind of coping mechanism for you??
[second screenshot] just thought i'd add that i've reported everyone in this thread including myself
[third screenshot] wow this place is a freakshow. i dont respect literally any of you people
[screenshots ends]
conarcoin replies:
here are some more really good neoboards screenshots
[several screenshots follow][first screenshot] a large colorful message, presumably a forum signature, reading:
i am report EVERYBODY
[several pixel art neopet emoticons]
~ so you best behavior ~[second screenshot] a post on the "Newbies" page of neoboard titled "why's everyone so angry tonight"
the author posts:
"let's do some breathing exercises everybody" in large black text
another user replies:
"reported"[third screenshot] a post on the "Fan Clubs" page of neoboard titled "dogs or cats"
the author posts:
i love dogs im a dong person [smiley face]
i love unies they are the best neopets in the worldthe author replies to themselves:
dog person [smiley face]
i love unies they are the best neopets in the world[fourth screenshot, every word has their initial capitalized] I Do Not Know How Many Times I need To Repeat MySelf:
I Type Like This Because Every Word Is Important. Even, SomeTimes, Words WithIn Words Are ImportAnt.
[the user's forum signature] I've Seen Miracles In Every Way
And I See Miracles Everyday [the words: "Myself", "Sometimes", and "Within" are capitalized as "My Self", "Some Times", and "With In". The last "Important" is capitalized as "Import Ant"[fifth screenshot]
furretsshouldbesmall posted:
[a quote from another user] yeah there were shut up
furretsshouldbesmall writes: go weave a basket[sixth screenshot] a post on the "Help" page of neoboard titled "Girls Come Here"
the author posts: I can treat you right i have 700 neo points.[seventh screenshot]
mycritterdom2 posted: "i don't need breakfast. my body is made of titanium steel and runs on pure rage alone." in large red text[eighth screenshot]
a user posts: watch this guys
the same user replies: dick butt[ninth screenshot] a post on the "Newbies" page of neoboard titled "ppl who r religious/spiritual"
the author, nanacatl, posts: oi cunt what guides ur faith [emoticons of a green ball with a red cape and a sun][tenth screenshot] a post on the "Newbies" page of neoboard titled "i hate radiohead"
the author, thomnewyorke, posts: i dont like this band. i dont like the short one or the bald one. i dont like the creepy
blenke replies: if you listen to the radio your a radio head [smiley face] thomnewyorke replies: that is not true. do not lie to me on these neopets. you are a liar.[screenshots end]
hellyesbro replies:
how could you forget
[a screenshot of the top half of a bright green creature's face]
[in large black text] Priority Announcement
[in smaller red text, all caps] GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY ITS ALL GONE TO SHIT
16
cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/21328451
scrulevy
show transcript
play-now-my-lord posts:
PREHISTORIC PROTO-MONKEY: I don't need ascorbic acid. From my cells. I eat fruit all the time dude. I'm better than that
OTHER PREHISTORIC PROTO-MONKEY: I agree with your lifestyle and will fuck you raw to prove it
GUY LOOKING FOR THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE 36,530,125 YEARS LATER: ow oof my shitty british teeth
19
78
every worthwhile link on how to implement your own squeeblerizer is dead and approximately 40% archived
(files.catbox.moe)
cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/20883609
show transcript
compiler-specific posts:
every software is like. your mission-critical app requires you to use the scrimble protocol to squeeb some snorble files for sprongle expressions. do you use:
- libsnorble-2-dev, a C library that the author only distributes as source code and therefore must be compiled from source using CMake
- Squeeb.js, which sort of has most of the features you want, but requires about a gigabyte of Node dependencies and has only been in development for eight months and has 4.7k open issues on Github
- Squeeh.js, a typosquatting trojan that uses your GPU to mine crypto if you install it by mistake
- Sprongloxide, a Rust crate beloved by its fanatical userbase, which has been in version 0.9.* for about four years, and is actually just a thin wrapper for libsnorble-2-dev
- GNU Scrimble, a GPLv3-licensed command-line tool maintained by the Free Software Foundation, which has over a hundred different flags, and also comes with an integrated Lisp interpreter for scripting, and also a TUI-based Pong implementation as an "easter egg", and also supports CSV, XML, JSON, PDF, XLSX, and even HTML files, but does not actually come with support for squeebing snorble files for ideological reasons. it does have a boomeresque drawing of a grinning meerkat as its logo, though
- Microsoft Scrimble Framework Core, a .NET library that has all the features you need and more, but costs $399 anually and comes with a proprietary licensing agreement that grants Microsoft the right to tattoo advertisements on the inside of your eyelids
- snorblite, a full-featured Perl module which is entirely developed and maintained by a single guy who is completely insane and constantly makes blog posts about how much he hates the ATF and the "woke mind-virus", but everyone uses it because it has all the features you need and is distributed under the MIT license
- Google Squeebular (deprecated since 2017)
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38
i can't tell if Harrier Du Bois would make banging weed brownies or absolute dogshit ones
(lemmy.blahaj.zone)
cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/20854187
show transcript
Boethiah posts:
[a screenshot of a comment by BrokenHomesSmal…]
"Just put this bread into the oven for the first time. What on earth does "satin-smooth" mean? I am not a painter or a communist, I cannot work in such flowery terms as this. The fascists at the NSA wouldn't allow this - I hope when they read this comment they will immediately take down this wishy-washy recipe and replace it with a concrete scientific methodology that is more suited to the delicate and precise nature of baking." [screenshot ends]
this reads like Disco Elysium dialogueautismgod replies:
this is like something an NPC says to you at the bakery in the witch alps version of Disco Elysium
22
cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/20788922
show transcript
agnesmontague posts:
devastating news for the discourse poster: “media literacy” in the modern age includes the ability to identify which posts are baitagnesmontague replies:
before you go on lamenting the death of media literacy on the post of some guy who may, perhaps, have a financial incentive to get as many eyes on their slop as humanly possible, take a second to assess whether this "literacy" you speak of could apply to you in this very moment, because otherwise, brother, i bear some bad newsagnesmontague replies:
(quoted tumblr tag)
#anybody got pointers for those who don't know the signs of bait? (end quote)
i'm glad someone asked, though unfortunately i don't think there is any set of rules or pointers to abide by; my principle is that if a take is "too hot" (worded in an inflammatory way, way overbroad or generalized, reads offensively) on a platform that rewards engagement (twitter, tiktok, or youtube, mostly, though not confined to those), it's likely bait for the sake of baiting, although to be honest i have never once found it a loss to simply ignore/block any take online that pisses me off regardless of whether i think it is sincere or in good faith. so my rule of thumb is to just not engage, generally
24
cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/20548023
show transcript
dry-gold posts:
Hey in middle earth is there any ecological consequences for those big fuckin eaglesastercrash replies:
Goblins and hobbits both make their homes undergroundcool-bacon-dude replies:
Funniest answer for why gandalf didnt use eagles to carry the hobbits to mordor
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