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How do you approach a group of people with romantic intent for only one? (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 week ago by LouNeko@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

22 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Sometimes you hang out in a bar and you see a group of people (usually a pair) and you maybe want to ask only one of them for their number.

How do you go on about this?

I always feel kind of weird, because if I were to hang out with a friend and somebody were to randomly ask them out specifically, surely I'll be happy for them, but especially if this were a regular reoccurrence my own self esteem would probably take a hit from that. I don't want to put somebody else through that.

Nowadays nobody ever goes out alone, especially not in bars. And if they do, they're usually not in an approachable state. In general there seem to be less and less appropriate places or moments to approach people. Isolating somebody or waiting for them to be alone also feels borderline predatory. I know that it became nigh-impossible for relationships to naturally form out of nowhere, but I really don't want to resort to dating apps or something of that matter.

Also, what if you're maybe interested in both people. You can't just ask "And what about you, are you interested too?" That'd just be awfull for everyone. But maybe you would've had a better response if you would'be asked the other person first and now you'll never find out.

I really hate to be somebody who excludes people especially in a conversation but this seems to be the only area were this is actualy unavoidable.

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[–] electric_nan@lemmy.ml 2 points 1 week ago (1 children)

How would you suggest someone approach strangers? Not at all? Come right in and express physical attraction? Most people like to have some low-stakes interaction (small talk) to gauge the "vibes". Any party is free at any point to decline to continue.

[–] YarHarSuperstar@lemmy.world 0 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I believe in direct communication, as opposed to playing games. Maybe that's why I don't go to a lot of parties or bars etc. it's hard to talk when there's so much going on. I have a lot of sensitivity to sensory overwhelm so that doesn't help. I don't believe in "small talk" as you're using it here, I.e. to mean talking for the sake of talking and not about what you actually want to talk about. You're right that it's low stakes but it's basically a mini lie, and I also value vulnerability and emotional honesty very highly.

[–] electric_nan@lemmy.ml 3 points 1 week ago (1 children)

It's good that you know what you desire and value. It might help you to understand that many (most?) people do not consider small talk to be dishonest in any way. Think of it like this: I see someone who sparks my interest and I want to get to know them better. Let's say I walk straight up to them and say "I saw you and you sparked my interest, and I'd like to get to know you better." OK, well what comes next? How do you get to know someone (total stranger) better? It's going to involve talking about random stuff until (hopefully) you both end up feeling comfortable with each other. The other thing is about that first part ("I saw you/wanna get to know you") is heavily implied by you walking over and saying hello.

[–] YarHarSuperstar@lemmy.world 0 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Let's say I walk straight up to them and say "I saw you and you sparked my interest, and I'd like to get to know you better."

Except that's not what we're talking about, this piece of advice specifically advises that you hide your intentions.

OK, well what comes next? How do you get to know someone (total stranger) better? It's going to involve talking about random stuff until (hopefully) you both end up feeling comfortable with each other.

I don't know about you but I don't talk about "random stuff", I talk about things that are important to me and that I actually want to talk about, because that will actually tell me if i feel comfortable with someone and I want to get to know them better.

The other thing is about that first part ("I saw you/wanna get to know you") is heavily implied by you walking over and saying hello.

Actually it's not, because in the situation we're actually talking about you're approaching a group of people and pretending to be interested in what they're talking about until you get "an in" with the person you're actually interested in. That's lying.

[–] electric_nan@lemmy.ml 0 points 1 week ago (1 children)

You see it as lying. Most people do not. What you are interested in may seem "random" to the other person and vice versa. You have to start somewhere in order to find that common interest. As the main comment said, you can look for clues like maybe they're wearing the T-shirt of a band you also like. I agree that you should not be pretending or feigning interest. You should be trying to genuinely find areas of common interest.

[–] YarHarSuperstar@lemmy.world -1 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

I do not claim to know what "most people" think and I don't believe that you have that knowledge either. If you would like to challenge that belief please come with receipts this time, instead of making broad generalizing statements that may seem true to you, when clearly you are biased (not that I'm not, but that's why I'm not saying shit about what "most people" think).

I agree that you should not be pretending or feigning interest. You should be trying to genuinely find areas of common interest.

How is that at all compatible with the original advice given, which in your own words is the "absolute basics" of approaching and talking to strangers? This is bad advice in my mind and you haven't said anything to the contrary that is convincing.

Also I would not take your advice on how to talk to people because you're coming off super patronizing to me.

[–] electric_nan@lemmy.ml 3 points 1 week ago

OK. You are coming off as someone who wants to argue. Let's forget we ever encountered one another.