Asklemmy

I walked up to two women at a bar and asked for a number. She said she wouldn’t give her number out to a stranger without knowing them. I offered to talk with her and said my friend could chat with her friend so she wouldn’t be rude to her friend. My buddy has a great personality, is married, has kids, isn’t the least bit threatening.

After chatting for between five and ten minutes, she gave me her number. When I texted her to follow up she declined a date but praised the real-world pursuit rather than online. I lost on that one, but I also succeeded in charming her enough to give me her number. Helps to have a great wingman.

i’m going to add something that isn’t really visited a lot in this context: how gay culture deals with this

i find gay men are often a lot more open with this kind of thing than the straight world. we’re quite a bit more promiscuous, kiss each other on dance floors right after meeting, etc. we have a lot more non-verbal cues that imply consent too…

mutual glances and grins across a dance floor leads to moving closer, compliment them on their clothes/hairstyle/etc, that might lead to more questions about where they got it, conversation with their friends - kinda join their group for a bit and then nobody is left out… we tend to ask for socials rather than a phone number: phone number implies date, socials is just “you’re cool” so nobody is upset: they can all give you socials and worst case you have a few new friends

that said, in gay culture you’re equally likely to just go straight from that to back home with them because we place more importance on doing what’s fun rather than needing to worry so much about if the guy is safe to be alone with - we have grindr etc after all

There is only one solution to this problem, and you are going to hate it: small talk.

When you approach a group of people, start by asking, "May I join you?" Then, tell someone you like something about their hat or you know something about the logo on their shirt. Do you know who's playing on the screen? How are they doing this season? I'm not a sports fan either. What are you drinking? Is that brewery around here? I heard they use twice the hops. A buncha bullshit like that. Doesn't matter. Be friendly and talk about bullshit. Call it being a tactical introvert if that makes you feel better.

If you don't know one of them, ask their name. Repeat it back to them. "Good to meet you, X". You might forget. That's fine or even good. Ask them again. They probably forgot yours too. I use this as an opportunity to make a joke "You forgot my name!" "You forgot mine too!" "At least I cared enough to ask!". People care that you try. Especially if they have a difficult to pronounce name or aren't from your country. Don't give up like everyone else.

Join whatever actual conversation they are having or ask what they are talking about. Listen. Drop a one liner. Make small contributions. When presented the opportunity, ask the person you are interested in a question related to, tangent to, or even better about their contribution to the conversation. It is at this point where conversations split naturally anyway. Switch seats or go somewhere else to keep talking 1 on 1.

The only solution here is to arrange all the furniture in a circle, with everyone of the specific group in the middle. Break a pool cue in half and toss it in. The one who survives will be worthy of your attention.

Are you hitting up on someone at a pub/bar? Just initiate conversation and focus on the person you want. You can exchange details with both and then follow up with your interest. And if you like both and A doesn't engage, you now have B too.

If there's a group of two and one is of interest then you should approach a bouncer and have the person of no interest removed.

Talk to all of them but at some point start to focus more attention on the one you like. Bonus points if you show interest based on something they said, not just how they look. Find a common interest or something.