this post was submitted on 07 May 2025
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I have this theory that with proper technique, you can beat anything you can lift in a fight. That being said, Gorillas are too heavy to lift. Conversely, you'll likely have extreme difficulty fighting anything that's too heavy for you to lift. Anything with natural weapons, like sharp teeth, this rule of thumb likely also doesn't apply to. Anything larger than a cat should be considered dangerous by default.
Even cats will fuck you up if they really intend to.
Only to a point though. They can break your skin, but they're so small that you can literally throw them across the room. There's no way a cat survives a human trying to kill them short of running away.
I think part of the problem with cats is that you don't want to injure the cat, but the cat has no problem with injuring you. The stories I hear from people who dealt with panicking/aggressive cats are mostly about catching the cat without hurting it, while avoiding getting hurt yourself.
I was in a situation where a friend's very aggressive cat was looking at a small lizard that escaped while I was supposed to be feeding both, but not to each other obviously. Basically I had to willingly put my hands into a blender to solve this. But I managed to get her into a different room and close the on her without hurting her in any way.
Oh, and the lizard also bit me when I picked it up to put it back into its terrarium, but at that point I was way past caring.
Goddammit. It makes me want to do drugs
What doesn't make you want to do drugs??
Exactly, I guess that was what I was getting at. A cat will mess you up, but only as long as you tolerate it. (I love cats btw. would never dream of hurting one)
I can lift a fully-grown horse above my head, and I can hold my breath for ten minutes.
To settle a wager, I once ate a pound of P.B. Fouke's strongest badger poison and then ran a mile in the nude. I cannot feel pain, and I can see for two miles unaided by a lens. No man can kill me. I have beaten a man of every race in formal combat, including a Turk, a Pygmy Negro Man and a rare Deepwater Jew.
A medical doctor and two priests have written and signed a document confirming that I have no soul.
The problem with apes is that relative to their size, they have way more muscle mass than humans. They have lower myostatin levels, so their muscle density is ridiculous.
There are humans that could absolutely lift a gorilla, but there's absolutely no chance that they could win a fight against one. Even a strongman is going to struggle against a chimp.
Humans are different because we discovered tools which meant we were more successful hunters. Since large muscles require more calories, natural selection did its thing and we got much weaker.
No, we are first that way because we exhaustion hunted prey. Endurance in human is ridiculous (thanks to sweating) but we aren't that strong. Then came the throwing, with adaptions in the shoulders. Best any other ape can "throw" is a few meters, not tens of it.
You know a lot of people that could lift 800lbs at all, much less when it's fighting back with that strength? I can sled 800lbs, but no way in hell anyone is just picking that up.
Not me personally, but strongman competitions are a thing.
Humans and performance enhancing drugs can do some crazy shit. Check out the Physical 100 show on... Netflix? Those fuckers squat 600lb like it was a fanny pack, and they'd still get wrecked.
Ronnie Coleman is the only person on earth that I know of as being able to used to lift 800lbs. I want to bold used to his muscles got strong enough but his tendons, ligaments, and bones weren't. His body is wrecked and can't really move without help.
Point is even if someone could pick up 800lbs of gorilla, they ain't doing much afterwards but getting killed by that gorilla.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ronnie_Coleman
The current world record for deadlifts is over 1,100lb and squats are over 1,300lb.
But yeah, they're still going to lose.
Sort of my point. The squat bar, deadlifts, etc. aren't fighting back. I'll check the show out.
There are plenty of people who can lift 800lbs in the idealized form of barbells along certain ranges of motion, such as the deadlift or squat. However, I sincerely doubt any human could lift 800lbs of dead weight gorilla, much less one that is struggling. The heaviest stones that have been lifted are in the mid 600# range, and lifting a stone is easier than lifting an equivalent weight of floppy body.
Orangutans have entered the chat. Their only natural weapons are the long guns they're packing. Lean machine all folded up in a big skin sack. Plenty of humans could bench an adult orangutan, zero humans are winning that fight.
That being said they're basically just a half step down the neurology ladder and 2 steps up the jungle ladder, so it makes sense that they would outclass us.
GNU Terry Pratchett!
I'm pretty sure an Orangutan could lift a human, though.
way more easily than a human could lift an orangutan
Lots of creatures within the realm of benchable weight often have specialized defenses that could constitute a 1-hit KO if you fuck up in the slightest.
A chimp could rip your arms off. A kangaroo could crack all your ribs with a kick.
If you consider these "natural weapons" then sure, I guess that just limits you to fighting juvenile cows or something, at which point I'll give it to you, I could probably take a newborn calf in a fight.
If you attack a calf, their mother will fuck you up, though. I suppose the lesson here is that humans should use weapons to fight animals.
Or just set up a trap so the target will fall on it while you're running away. Don't fuck up
Wait, you think you couldn't beat a giraffe?
One punch from my scrawny nerd warrior arms and that fucker would shrug then donkey kick me half way across the fucking Serengeti.
No, you're approaching this the wrong way. You run towards it at full speed, then get a 45° angle and jump. While doing so, you grab their neck like a pole, and use the force to hoist yourself upon their back.
You either already killed them with this move, or you're now on their back and holding their throat. There's nothing a giraffe can do to throw you down or attack you now. You can just choke, and choke, and keep choking it until it falls to its knees.
Their neck starts at 3 meter height tho.
Not the necks of teenage giraffes!
You lost me at "run". Can I bring my inhaler or does that count as a tool?
Oh, you're American? I guess you could drive your scooter up specifically designed ramp to reach their back. Though I feel most animals wouldn't stand a chance against you guys on their back.
It can roll over. Do you like your legs? Besides, unless you're a lion, good luck jumping up there. And even then, you're not choking a giraffe out. Their neck is basically only muscle.
Am I stupid, or did I miss the "rolling over"? I just saw the giraffe lady down while saying "choke me harder daddy"
Are you a 150kg murder machine with claws that can high jump several times it's size? Even then, the lion got thrown off not once, but twice. Thinking you could fight a giraffe and win is dellusional
Lions cannot jump several times their height. They can leap forward several times their height and length. Not straight up. https://images.app.goo.gl/NhdZC
No, I lost some weight, so not quite. What lions have in claw strength, I however have in elbow strength!
Aww, I must have missed her.
That's a typo I'll gladly keep!