this post was submitted on 05 May 2025
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The other day, my parents asked me (22M) if there were any women that I find attractive (I guess because they're paranoid about me being gay lol) and I told them yes, there's a fair number of women that I've seen in public that I've found attractive.

They asked me, "Do you talk to any of them?" and I said "No??? It's inappropriate to approach women in public unless you have business with them."

I told them that it is only appropriate for a man to talk to a woman he doesn't know when the social situation is explicitly designed for meeting strangers—dating apps, hobby groups, meeting friends of friends, etc. In my view, cold approaching women you don't know just because you're attracted to them is harassment.

My parents told me that I'm being ridiculous and making excuses because I'm nervous. They are adamant that I need to learn to approach women or else I will never find a partner. I told them that times have changed and this is disrespectful and potentially predatory behavior along the lines of unsolicited flirting and catcalling. Approaching women is a violation of their personal space and could make them feel very uncomfortable, especially if they feel like they don't have an easy way out.

My parents are almost 60 and they are very conservative, so they don't exactly follow progressive discourse, and I feel like they're super out of touch on this as a result. Particularly, my mom tends to strike up conversations with other women in public, and she's skeptical when I tell her that I can't do the same thing because I'm a man and would be viewed as a potential predator.

But I also don't get out much, which makes me second-guess how distorted my understanding of the social world is from reality. My parents are like a broken clock, and sometimes they DO have a point about something despite 90% of their opinions being insane. Maybe there is a more nuanced reality that I'm not picking up on.

So I wanted to ask here. Are my parents out of touch? Am I out of touch? Are we both wrong? I want to know your opinion.

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[–] KeenFlame@feddit.nu 4 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

No, no.. It feels like lying because you are lying. Don't do that. They are people and have friends and fuck and stuff like you. But at no point do they think you are a fuck dick and approach you to say that, because that is a än idiotic thing to do. Because you are a human in turn. Try to reflect on that. That both of you are human and want to fuck and at no point in that logic do any single one of you reduce the other person to a fuck object. Just learn that quick fix then you can approach them on equal terms again and actually get tail instead of whatever you are doing

[–] blarghly@lemmy.world 1 points 22 hours ago

No, no… It feels like lying because you are lying.

Yeah, that's what I said.

But at no point do they think you are a fuck dick and approach you to say that

Right, that's the problem. I wish they would. Again: see Grindr. But unfortunately, I'm not gay. Very annoying.

That both of you are human and want to fuck and at no point in that logic do any single one of you reduce the other person to a fuck object

Except that I never reduce anyone to being a fuck object. They appear in my awareness as a fuck object, with the potential for me to gain awareness of their deeper humanity later. Similarly, I do not fully appreciate the deep layers of the human experience within my cashier at McDonalds. From my point of view, they are a hamburger dispensing machine, up until the point where we form an emotional connection. And I can safely assume they are happy I see them this way, because they don't want to see the deep layers of my humanity either - they want to see me as "faceless customer 447", who they hand a bag to and then ignore as quickly as possible. If I went around fully appreciating the depth of the human soul in every person I looked at, I'd probably go crazy, and certainly would never get anything done.

Given that appreciating the true depth of the human soul is both time consuming and energy intensive, we must ask why we do it for any particular person. It must be because, for some particular person at some particular time, we have reason to put this time and energy in. And for random girl in the grocery store, the reason is: because she has a nice ass and I wanna fuck her. So we really just have the problem one step removed. I could be all "hey, those are some delicious looking apples." And she'd be like "I hope so, but why the fuck are you talking to me? We're in the grocery store, that's weird." And I'd say, "Because I've fully conceptualized the depth of your human experience and am fascinated by the minutiae of the way you're picking your apples as just one more example of the beautiful fractal complexity of the nature of reality." And she'd say "Okay, that's even weirder. Are you high on mushrooms? Why are you talking to me instead of staring at the ants in the grass outside?" And of course, my honest answer must be "because you've got a nice ass and I wanna fuck you."

Just learn that quick fix then you can approach them on equal terms again and actually get tail instead of whatever you are doing

I mean, "whatever I'm doing" is exactly what OP suggested in his OP. Meeting women at socially appropriate times and places (social gatherings, bars, concerts, events, etc); through my social networks and hobbies; and via online dating apps. In all of these cases, I either have an actual reason to talk to a stranger other than the fact that I want to fuck them, or else I can openly flirt with such a stranger under the assumption that this is expected and socially acceptable since the whole point of the venue is to find sexual/romantic partners. And I do this quite well. I just don't hit on women in the grocery store.