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Rules…
Are you carrying excessive mental load or are you hypervigilant and dealing with undiagnosed anxiety? Sometimes the people around you aren’t pulling your weight, sometimes you’re holding yourself (and by extension everyone around you) to unrealistic standards
Nah, hubs has adhd. I'm carrying.
Why did you have to call me out like that!
A lot of this mental load is, in a way, self inflicted. You don't HAVE to constantly think of others, you don't HAVE to fix everything, and sometimes people don't learn until you stop managing all their problems for them.
Professionally, you can just stop taking responsibility for other people's problems. As long as you keep juggling things, others will keep throwing you stuff. Just warn them, and let the next thing smash on the floor.
And privately... Well, assuming you're talking about another functioning adult, you can simply split responsibility. And that means YOU need to let it go. My partner is responsible for the laundry. Do they fold it like I would? No. Do they do it on the day I would? Nope. Does it get done? Yes. So I let go. I don't juggle the details, because it's not my responsibility. I trust them to do it.
So nah, I'm not really struggling with any of it. And a lot of what i could be worrying about, I can just schedule and make lists for and automate. It's 2025, my phone can tell me when to do something, so I can stop thinking about it.
Edit: yes, I do realize this is much easier said than done. Some of these are deep aspects of your psyche.
I take care of my elderly mother. Mine is one case where none of these are self-inflicted and I have accepted that I won't be able to escape these stresses until she dies.
That's a heavy and constant load. At work you get set hours and clearly defined rules. It's very different caring
(Greetings from all!)
Preamble: I’m a CISHET man, however, I’m neurodiverse and have suffered abuse in both childhood and as an adult.
One of the things I’ve very recently learned is (for me) that a lot of the push to fix things, anticipate problems, and take care of others comes from anxiety spawned from my past trauma. I was the peacemaker, and I took it on myself to prevent people with poor emotional skills from fighting. I’m afraid of others being mad — at me, at others, at pets, at traffic, at anything — and that the people currently in my life will have the same unfair expectations and unhealthy responses as the people who, well, made those anxiety responses.
Being on top of everything is my way of avoiding the fear and anxiety, but it burns me out and makes me resentful, even if I can’t consciously identify I will feel that way before I get to that point. It puts a major strain on my relationships and really impoverishes me.
By choosing to be okay with the fear that I’m letting others down, and communicating with them before I reach my breaking point (either in terms of burnout or frustration), I don’t create expectations that I don’t enjoy fulfilling/or I don’t make it so that I don’t feel like I can’t renegotiate responsibilities with people.
Which is all to say: Holding and maintaining boundaries is scary, but it will make you happier. And it will make your relationships stronger as you lean in to trust each other more. No one can do everything. It’s okay to be human, and it’s okay to recognize that people who have unfair expectations of you are not healthy for you/you should still hold your boundaries on what you’re willing to give.
I worry sometimes my intent is lost in all my words, but to be clear, I see my comment as being in support of the one I’m replying to, just with a different context.
Hey monument thanks so much for stopping by! You've made a long, insightful comment with some great pointers in. We are women only, so please don't comment again.
However I'm leaving your comment up because I think a lot of members will get a lot from it ❤️
This a really valuable comment. Thanks for sharing your advice :)
You have to make sure at work you don't get blamed for other people's fuck ups, or that their bad decisions will cause huge problems for you
The warning should include several CYA mails, in that case.
I like the sentiment, but the fire one is poorly worded.
I plan and do fires constantly, but putting them out is someone else's business.
Oh you....
This is just describing anxiety.
If you’re feeling these things to a level that’s impacting your day-to-day life you may have anxiety.
It's anxiety if it's unfounded. Otherwise it's inequality.
Well, no. It's not always "just" anxiety. This is a very real phenomenon and Claiming otherwise is dangerously close to gaslighting and dismissal
All of the above. Am a man.
Hi Angelusz (cool name btw). Thanks so much for popping in! We are women only, so please don't comment again ❤️
Thank you! Am a genuine feminine man. I will try to remember your rules, but what shows on my feed does. I don't go in to read rules. Respect you. Have a good one!
Thanks mate you too ❤️
A man who can't read rule #1?
I do not read rules or manuals, I am a man after all. Can't you forgive such poor creatures? 🤓
The last three speak to me in particular.
And there's one more that's not up there: The Cassandra Complex. I have an unholy knack of discovering how things will fail months to years before my colleagues and friends do and they repeatedly refuse to believe me until the very last second (which is often too late to avoid the problem).
I'm single so I've only got my own which helps. I've got a task list on my phone I'm completely avoiding, but this weekend I have sorted batch cooking, bought tickets for a trip, cleaned up, done washing and also done research.
Good for you - that sounds like a productive weekend! A trip will be fun, where are you headed?
I take care of a special needs child and a disabled partner. The weight of responsibility grows heavy, despite my own needs that no one else can help me with.
Pretty much all of this, really.
You're amazing managing all of that, and I'm glad they have you
If I don't tell sibling or husband to do their chores, they don't get done. Husband is slightly more likely to do chores before I get pissed, but only a bit.
Today, I go to make lunch
Husband - "I'll do the garbage after lunch!"
I sigh and open the garbage door
Its full which will make making lunch annoying as fuck
At least he remembers but he takes much longer to do them than I'd like.
I can imagine mate. Most of my straight friends are doing far more than their partners, and have to push him hard to get him to do things. It's really frustrating and the reminders are yet more work... it's also really inconsiderate
I'm forgiving of my husband because he has cerebral palsy and he does remember to do the one chore I'll get shrieky about, cleaning the cat litter every day.
Sibling has two once a week chores and only remembers one because it's food related. They cook one meal a week (or order or take us all to taco bell, I don't care they just figure it out) and "do the floors" once a week. Or what meant to be all the floors but they fucking weaseled into one week mop one week vacuum.
AND I HAVE TO TELL THEM EACH WEEK TO DO THAT
Oh lord that's exhausting I really feel for you
This is just my life as a single working parent.
1, 3, 4 and 6, we think.
Edit: Especially 4. But that has been our life. Always the helper, never the helped, even when we 'reach out' for it.