No Stupid Questions

I met some nice people, but had better luck just meeting people naturally in my 20s. I think the reason why dating apps didn't work is that it's kinda like job apps online, where there's just waves of people, and everyone is just kinda putting their resume on their profile. Hard to stand out and meet "real" people among bots/hidden likes/ app design/bad matches.

Usually these companies make money by having users churn through loads of bad matches and then continually pay for premium.

I'd recommend joining a club IRL or volunteering, it might be a more organic fit. Friends -> dating can come naturally out of that.

It can be rough on your head (emotions, ego, attitude). I went to Match at 67, felt a little like back at Jr. High. Announced I'd give up twice, but arter a bit looked back again. My last "what the hell, one more" connection was with my now partner and I'm glad I stayed with it. I don't know how much was luck. We've been together 4 years, sold our houses, bought one together.

Your sons are speaking from their experience, which may not be the same as yours.

I met my wife on a dating app in 2019 on Bumble (28 at the time). It can work, but you have to be willing to sift through a lot of bullshit and be patient. You also need to be able to handle rejection and mistreatment (like getting stood up/ghosted). It's ultimately a numbers game and it takes time to find someone that is actually right for you.

I expect it's probably also not nearly as bad for older age groups. At your age, I think people are going to be a lot more likely to be direct and know what they want.

My advice is to try it out. Worst case, you decide it's not for you and try something else.

You may be better off joining a club/group activity around a common interest. That way, even if you don’t meet anyone, you have something to do that isn’t soul-destroying.

They absolutely do work, and I can’t recommend them enough - this is coming from a male mid-40s divorcee. I was on and off Tinder for 4 years looking for a relationship and met several women, before finally meeting my soul mate. For somebody like me who isn’t the most outgoing person, they were a godsend in terms of meeting people. Some of the negativity in these responses is wild.

They’re a relaxed, accessible mechanism for starting conversations. Yes, there’s incentive for the companies to keep you on the apps but it’s certainly not forced, because if they didn’t ever work, their incentive for use evaporates.

I am 100% of the opinion that people who have limited luck on dating apps are likely to have the same limited luck in real life. It’s just that the apps present you with multiple “opportunities” in succession that you don’t get in real life, so it could feel like constant rejection for some. If you match with a real person and start a conversation that goes nowhere, that’s down to yours or their communication, or a simple incompatibility. Both parties have already shown an interest at the point of matching. Where it goes from there is down to you.

It’s entirely a numbers game. You can’t expect to hit it off with every person you match with online, any more than you could in real life. But you will find someone that you otherwise wouldn’t get the chance to meet through other circumstances.

Honestly, I think they're worse than people say. There might be the odd good news story to come out of them, but they are designed to get you to fork out cash, and stay around and keep forking out cash, so their whole goal is to feed you hope, without ever causing you to be successful enough to leave.

I used bumble and found my now wife. My advice is to do it like a background task while you are also doing other things, so you're not desperate you can evaluate people there better.

The free tier will let you swipe x times per day.

Of the 10,000 matches in your area, 1000 might be real humans.

So, it ends up feeling like a waste of time for any guy that doesn't get their profile pics taken by a professional. The odds of your iPhone pics standing out are slim unless you're rocking a speedo packing a hog, ridiculously muscular, or apparently holding a fish? That can't be working...

It ends up feeling like a waste of time.

Have you ever done Speed Dating? Where you have 5 minute dates and if it goes well you arrange another?

It's kinda like that, except it's presented in the most shallow way possible and wrapped into a skinner box. The apps are so full of bots (usually scammers/phishers) that most of the matches you recieve will be fake. That's means there's a little dangerous with every new person you match with while you both figure out if you're talking to a human or not. Beyond this, the apps are somewhat anonymous in a dangerous way. You don't know if you're meeting the person you say you are until they show up in front of you. Sometimes you match with someone and their personality isn't what they say it is.

They're fine, probably just about the worst way to meet someone as a long term partner. I've had good luck with hookups on dating apps, but I've had the WORST luck actually dating on them.

Keep in mind that these apps are run for profit, by corporations. You meeting someone suitable and leaving the app, means less revenue for them.
So they can be fun to mess around for a while, but unless you're extremely lucky, don't expect long lasting relationships from them.

To be honest, learn who you are before going on an app or trying to engage for a partner.

You've been together (in perception, at least) a long time and you're still that married person and it will take time to remember who you are without that other person, regardless of whether you were a functioning couple or two people in the same house.

The loneliness is just the transition sinking in.

I'm a couple years older than you.

It depends.

Those apps rely a lot on your physical appearance, and how good you look in a photograph.

And if you are interested in dating women you'll have a harder time than if you try to date men.

As a bisexual person every time I open a dating app I have hundreds of likes from men, and barely one or two from women.

Also be aware that experiences for people 10 years ago are not valid now. Enshitificacion have also take it's tool from dating apps, and experience is way worse than it used to. Last time I opened one I didn't even got a match in months (until I deleted it). So you would have to mentally prepare for that possibility and keep your self esteem up despite of that.

Incentives: you find a girlfriend the app lose a customer. They are not optimized for you finding a girlfriend.

Gender imbalance: there are about 3* guys for every girl. There is very little leftovers for you as an average guy. *Very crude counting from me 5 years ago.

Sure you may find one and it's relatively low effort. Don't get your hopes up.

Funny anecdote: I've had more luck getting dates from World of Warcraft.

Grindr is great. No complaints.

But, P.S.: for the love of god don't pay the app any money though. I meant it's great to find people. But the app interface is predatory from a UI/UX perspective.

It's a waste of time. There is so much technology between you and real people that it is just a exercise in frustration.

Work on yourself, get a hobby, go to groups that have that hobby as their main thing, there you will find a new mate or someone who will introduce you to your new mate or someone who knows someone who will introduce you to your new mate or...

Or if you really want to go with apps buy unlimited likes, boost your profile and set up an autoclicker that just accepts everything. If you got a bunch of matches you can ghost the people you don't want.

I met my wife on.... drumroll... FACEBOOK DATING yes I understand if anyone finds that hard to believe. But I think their dating service is fairly new (at least it was 4 years ago) and it didn't charge me like other dating apps I've tried. My dad also found a his wife online, as well as 2 of my uncles. At least three of the four of us also went out socially and met women that way, just ended up trying out the online thing for shits n giggles and found success!

My advice would be to try stuff out for yourself! Just don't expect to get a hit immediately. Using dating services takes a bit of a learning curve. You got this

I've heard it's actually pretty good for 40yo+ people. The app isn't the main problem, it's the people.

They’re pretty bad but you can get lucky. I had a long-ish relationship come out of them. I’ve had a ton of long term flirts that came out of them. It’s fun and nice to flirt with people slowly and every once in a while for like 5+ years lol.

That being said, I’ve been off them for a year. I prefer to meet people in real life when that’s a possibility.

Its not a total scam, I know some couples who met on dating apps. However, be aware that as a man your choice is limited. There are about 10 men for every woman on dating apps.

It can work, but honestly I think its easier to get to know people when I'm out and about. This depends on how outgoing you are, though, of course.

Enough has been said about the dating apps, so I feel it's OK to remark on something else:

separated from my wife of 31 years - just earlier this month. Honestly, I’m already feeling bored and lonely

Can you provide some more context here? On the face of it it makes you sound like being dependent on a woman to keep you company. Sorry if I misinterprete that. But shouldn't you be rather busy with other things now - idk, moving, settling in, changing your life alround, finding new friends, recovering from the separation...

FWIW, my (now) 52yo brother and his wife found each other through a dating site/app almost 10 years ago. They seem to be doing well.

A lot of negative comments. I went through a divorce last year (male, mid 40s), and used dating apps when I was ready to start meeting people. I was apprehensive going in but ended up shocked by how positive the results were. After a week or two I would have several matches and pause searching while I talked with those and planned in-person meetings. Most profiles you'll never get a reply. Of those you match again, half likely never respond to initial introductions / questions. But, if you live in a major metro area there's still plenty of people looking for relationships if you're willing to filter through that. I'm now happily in a relationship for the past few months so I've stopped using these apps.

I tried 3: eHarmony, hinge, and bumble. Here's my feedback from best to worse.

Hinge: encourages discussion as an initial match prompt. I met the most people on this app and many matches led to in person dates. Met the person I'm currently dating seriously on here.

Bumble: costs money to send a comment / question, free to "just swipe". Kept showing me profiles for people currently within my search distance, but who have listed another major city as their home (I guess they're connecting through the airport and on the app?). Went on multiple dates with matches, fewer than hinge.

eHarmony: where I originally met my previous wife ~20 years ago. Now had the fewest matches and worst experience (and highest cost). I stopped checking this one after about a month. Went on only 1 date.

Feedback from my matches about the app: many men are using it to find people to cheat with / aren't serious about a relationship. All of them told me actually holding a conversation on the app put me in the "top tier" of their matches. Many shared that matches just gave super short answers then asked for a phone number. Several noted that half the time they shared a number they almost immediately received dick pics. Multiple said matches tried to get them into crypto (?!?!).

For me (busy work schedule, and still spend half my time with kids) the experience was far better than any dates friends or co workers suggested. The profiles are not super deep... Yes everyone loves live music, travel, and The Office. I wanted to connect over something more specific than that. At least the people you match with are also looking for a relationship. Meeting people through my hobbies at 40+ most are in long term relationships or not interested in starting one. The apps are largely superficial... Half the first dates I went on one or both of us decided not to have a second date. Which is honestly expected... Even after filtering through the profiles and messaging in app you still only know the basics for most people.

For you specifically: many matches took issue with the recent timing of my divorce. If you're separated (not divorced) expect that to be a deal breaker for many.

I'm 35, Ive been using them since they were new, around 21 until right around the pandemic, so around when I turned 30. My impression is that they have gone downhill a lot. I don't consider myself a very handsome man, but I'm pretty well read and I have a lot of hobbies and I can hold a conversation. Early on, it was literally just a list of people and profiles. You could start a conversation with anyone, I did pretty well. I would say in this era, (maybe between 2011 and 2014) I would rate OKC the best. Tinder showed up and I gave it a try and I would say its the worst (and remained the worst). The gamification even then was insane. Pay for higher placement. Pay for 'super likes.' None of these were guarantees she would reply back or even see it; you could have been throwing your money in a void. Like a skinner box for incels.

I won't pretend there isn't a physical dimension to dating; but the way Tinder was set up, it was inevitable it was going to become a "hook up" app. You had the option to post something like 8 pictures and eventually they let you post a short bio, at first it was just a few words (which most people left blank anyway). It was designed to be a meat market. I know people have met their partners there and I am not trying to take that away from anyone but come on guys, that's not what Tinder is. I honestly had better luck meeting women on 4chan than Tinder. And it doesn't help now that the Match group has a crushing hold on the entire industry, so the gamification model has basically spread everywhere. All of the things about Tinder in this thread are true; the gender imbalance, the bots, the scammers. I ended up deleting everything in 2020; I had a girl ghost me and everything after that just felt so fake.

As someone else stated, they are indeed worse than people say. The has been massive consolidation in the industry, to the point where nearly every app is owned by the same company. And that company has been caught, multiple times, catfishing their own users with bots that then ghost them.

The company is pure Chicago School economics; they don't care about their users or product, just extracting money from people. Generally, this is men (though not always) as the culture cultivated in the apps is pretty shallow and messed up.

Overall, it's a much better time to engage in some sort of social hobby of the like. Success rate will likely be higher and the experience less depressing.

Depends on your expectations. Realize there's roughly 3-4 guys for every girl. If you don't standout in some way it will be a very quiet experience outside of the initial joining period (and immediately after the subscription ends if you paid).

Just remember, companies exist to make money. If you're using the app for free, you're not the customer, you're the product.

Yes and no. Capitalism has lead to shitty experiences for users, but also users self sabotage. It is possible to find success for free, but you'll probably need to spend time and effort on it.

On the one hand, they are capitalist shit holes. They want to make money, not find you a partner. There's not enough competition (match group owns a lot of different apps). Those are big factors in why they suck. They're going to keep asking you to pay for more, and there's no competition to drive down prices or force innovation. This absolutely sucks and should be changed, but good luck getting the current US government to do anything good.

The other problem is many users are frankly bad at using the apps. They have a blank profile, or one that has no hooks. When they get a message, they dead end the conversation instead of engaging. They ghost.

Don't be like that. Don't send generic messages. Have a profile that funnels people into interesting stuff you want to talk about. When the app has a space to write your hobbies, do not write "lol I dunno". That's stupid and self sabotage. Write something (true) that gives people an entry point to talk to you. "I really like making pizza! I'm working on perfecting a stuffed crust recipe" is basic but gives them something to talk about. Many people fuck this up and then are like "why does no one send me interesting messages??". They don't know you. If you don't present anything interesting, they're not going to know.

Once you have the conversation going, ask them out. I've heard many people complain about this problem. Guys will match and then text and text and text for days or weeks, and never ask them out. Then they complain "I never get a date!". Self sabotage. Match, ask a question about their profile, have one or two exchanges, clear any deal breakers (eg: if you're divorced or have kids), then ask them out. That's it. That's the game. People fuck this up and blame the apps.

You don't need to be mega good looking. That's just a bullshit self comforting excuse. I used to have a horrible cave man beard and none of my clothing fit right. Still got dates. The bar for men is in hell. If you can converse, be kind, and pay attention to them you're already ahead of the curve. Getting a good hair cut, clothes that fit, and a good photo helps, but do not think you are immutably unattractive. That's nonsense.

Your location matters a lot more. If you live in bumblefuck, Wisconsin, where there are 23 people in your age and gender range, you're going to have a bad time. There's a special place in hell for people who lie on their profile, though. Don't say you live in New York when you "might move there some day" or commute in for work.

I never paid for the apps. When I'd use them every day, I could typically get a date a week. Some were just the one date, some lasted weeks, and a couple lasted longer. I'm about 40 and largely unremarkable. You have to put time and effort in. Every day, go through profiles and send quality messages. Most will go nowhere. Don't be discouraged.

As someone who met the Person i love and live with in one of the dirtiest gay hookup shitholes i can say, yes these Apps are fucking pathetic and literally tuned to make you feel like shit (Its literally an algorithm that wants you to get addicted and spend money on it, it absolutley is that bad).

There are lots of people on it who got so broken by these apps that they just fuck arround there and bully others or scam you.

BUT: there are some people like you, the hard thing is to find them without going insane or getting catfished by a real person or even a bot thats owned by the dating site themselfs (of course there are a shit ton of other bots there to lol) IF, and thats a really really really BIG if! if you have the time for people who will definitly waste it, the media/technical competence to not get scammed in one of thousands of ways and you are imune to social media Algorithms that hit you with dopamine in ways that makes your brain want to vomit after some time using them, you might be able to find someone on there. i was and im looking forward to marry that guy! would probably never found the love of my life if i hadnt wasted 100+ hours in fucking planet romeo and grindr...

Edit: PS: i think Dating Apps are worse for your mental health than Porn, please dont get lost in there!

They used to be better. I had a lot of success when they were relatively new. However the culture around them has gotten worse and more toxic, and the companies have grown more abusive of customers. Just what I gather… I haven’t tried since 2019.

Tinder was okay for meeting people interested in actual relationships when it was newer. It seemed to turn into more of purely a shallow hookup site. I tried Bumble, and that worked, though it apparently is not as good as it used to be. Never tried Hinge or any of the others.

Thinking more about psychology helped me have success on the apps. Don’t be boring, start real conversations. I got some very good advice once from a friend, which was “if a girl is on tinder, she’s horny”. I was… oh. That makes sense. It helped me be less nervous. You could also say lonely or bored. In my experience it’s not hard to figure out if someone is after the same things as you are. I’ve never used them to just hookup, only find steady girlfriends. I did find some situations more like hookups, casual GFs or FWB though. A few dates fizzled. I’ve gotten together with about 15 women I met on Tinder/Bumble and 6 of them turned into steady relationships. I can’t say they were the most sane people I’ve ever met.

It depends on what you want.

If all you're looking for is casual sex, they're pretty great. If you're looking for love, you'd do well to search for it in a more organic way.

Yes.

They're not the best, but there isn't a reason not to try if it interests you. A good friend of mine in his mid-40s was divorced from his wife and went on Bumble about a year and a half ago. He went on a handful of dates and only a couple months in met his new girlfriend. They've been together a year now, they're doing well and she's great. Point is there are lots of success stories.

We do live in a decent sized city, where there are a lot of fish in the sea.