this post was submitted on 20 Apr 2025

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144

Is there any hope of finding a relationship if certain body parts don't work anymore? You know the ones. (lemmy.world)

submitted 2 days ago* (last edited 1 day ago) by sprigatito_bread@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

33 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Circulation issues have been plaguing me for the past several months, and getting a doctor's appointment is taking an eternity. As I've been waiting, the issue has only worsened, to the point where I am ~~quickly losing sensitivity in my hands and fingers.~~ EDIT: "Quickly" as in over the span of a few days or weeks having cold hands, not hours. If that makes a difference.

As a cis male, this has also begun to affect a certain part of the body that requires good blood flow to properly function. Without an incredible amount of sexual excitement, it remains worryingly cold and lifeless. I'm enjoying what I have left while it lasts, but it would be horribly fitting for me to lose feeling there too before I can even set foot into the vascular specialist's office.

It's brutal. It really is. I'm in my early 20s, and this, on top of a multitude of chronic health problems, is hitting me all at once. I've never had a partner, but I was always so excited to find one someday. But now, things have just gotten a whole lot harder. (That is, except for one thing.)

I don't want to lose hope. I've already tried that in the past from my other health issues, and it only makes things worse. But it's kind of difficult to imagine what a relationship looks like without functioning parts. Especially when this doesn't magically make me asexual. I still want to enjoy some kind of sexual activity, but I'm not sure that I'll be able to do it in the way that most women who would otherwise be compatible with me are hoping for.

I'd appreciate any kind of hope or encouragement, or just practical advice for what to do if the worst comes to pass. I feel that this is a scenario that I need to be prepared for, because god knows that the medical system isn't fast enough to do anything except record the damage that has already been done.

Thank you, and I wish you all luck in dealing with whatever fucked up shit has come your way, too.

EDIT 2: You know what? Maybe this isn't about my junk as much as it is my entire fucking body. "Oh that's weird, the lack of circulation has spread from my fingers to my entire hand in a few days." Uh, yeah, you THINK? My feet are turning blue, my hands are going numb, my mouth is getting cold, and I'm worried about THIS? Maybe the commenters telling me to get care immediately have a point. Maybe I'm the meme guy who worries about the economy while a meteor crashes into Earth.

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[–] jet@hackertalks.com 3 points 1 day ago

Seek immediate medical attention.

In general if you are having cardiovascular issues, such as blood flow, tingling, numbness - check on your vitals. Blood pressure, pulse, blood glucose, lipid panel.

Many people have great success improving cardio vascular function by removing sugar and carbohydrates from their diet. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz01qSHR3Ug

[–] wampus@lemmy.ca 11 points 1 day ago

Progressive feet and hand numbness.... sounds like untreated diabetes to me, based on symptoms I remember when my dad first got it. Definitely get checked / a docs input. Untreated, you can literally lose toes/limbs. I'd even consider starting to eat a diabetic diet while I waited for an appt, to see if it improved the situation.

As for the sex stuff, as an older guy, I reckon the bigger part is to find a partner you want to live with outside of the sexy-time stuff as a priority in general. Everyone ages and their bodies change, physical stuff is important but its not enough to maintain a longer term meaningful relationship, in my experience at least -- and ultimately, the time spent boning is a tiny fraction of the time you'd be spending with the other person in the long run. To add to that, I've had relationships in the past where we didn't do much of the direct penetration stuff, but I still found it really.... rewarding? titilating? gratifying? .... just making her eyes roll back / bite me as she climaxed and then collapsed exhausted. The endorphin release from intimacy isn't just about getting your rocks off, in some ways the feeling of knowing you can drive your partner nuts is better -- to me, that's what makes me feel 'virile', more so than simply fucking/orgasming myself. Biggest issues there was just making sure she understood I didnt feel a need to orgasm myself everytime we were together, so long as I rung her bell thoroughly.

[–] rouxdoo@lemmy.world 105 points 2 days ago (3 children)

If you're in your 20's experiencing this you should, frankly, check in to an ER. Old guys like me have some similar issues but not as bad as you are describing. Get some help, son.

[–] MissJinx@lemmy.world 39 points 2 days ago

Yes this! Loosing sensitivity is not a "circulatory problem" it's an emergency. Please go now

[–] sprigatito_bread@lemmy.world 22 points 2 days ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (5 children)

So, any advice on how to get these guys to actually listen? Not sure if this is just an American thing, but I've had some bad luck with ERs:

I've been kicked of the ER after suddenly losing all feeling in my arm (which thankfully came back a day later).

Another time, I had sudden weakness that was bad enough that I lost the ability to stand while in the waiting room. They checked my basic vitals, saw normal numbers, and rolled me out of the place at 3 AM in a wheelchair after accusing me of making up my symptoms.

When I went to the urgent care for this circulation issue (because the tip of my toe was literally turning black) the doctor told me that it wasn't urgent and set me up with this vascular specialist. He said casually that it might be some kind of heart problem, but I'd probably be fine because I'm young. That was 3 months ago. The circulation in my hands has diminished during that medium-term time frame, which is the worst time scale for degenerative changes to occur, because it's not urgent enough for most doctors to consider it an emergency, but not long-term enough for regular appointments to catch it in time.

I appreciate the suggestion to seek emergency care, I really do, but I've been burned so many times while losing thousands of dollars in the process that it's not so clear cut to risk going for a medium-term issue. I don't have much in savings left, and my parents have made it clear that they won't be of any help. They accuse me of overreacting and saying that I'm completely healthy despite being physically disabled, and that I will be financially punished for seeking care. (Unrelated, but they are also full-throated fascists who believe that the Holocaust was justified, just to make it crystal clear what kind of people I'm dealing with here.)

It seems that my conditions are downplayed because of my youth, and to make matters worse, I had already been diagnosed with small-fiber peripheral neuropathy for completely DIFFERENT chronic pain years ago that couldn't be explained, so they could write it off as that despite my hands demonstrably being ice cold when they weren't before.

So if I'm going to do something like this, I need to do it right. I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any.

[–] swelter_spark@reddthat.com 2 points 23 hours ago

You need to see the same doctor repeatedly, so they can track the progression of symptoms, and document what's been tried and what the results were. It's normal for it to take multiple visits to figure out what's going on and how to treat it effectively. You might send out some emails to doctors near you who have experience dealing with similar issues. Find one you trust and keep communicating with them about what's going on in between scheduled appointments.

[–] Brkdncr@lemmy.world 15 points 1 day ago

Get your pcp involved. They should be freaking out if parts of your body are going numb.

Have you been tested for Lyme?

[–] blackbrook@mander.xyz 6 points 1 day ago

Keep trying. When you visit the ER, you are seeing individual people. Some people are better or worse than at their jobs. Some care more or less, have different biases. Keep trying until you get someone who takes you seriously. Try different hospitals if you can, some are on average better or have ER rooms that are less overwhevlmed. Be insistant that your problem is serious and getting worse.

[–] Seasm0ke@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

Tell em if arthritis runs in your family. Try to pique curiosity with family history. That helped me get care when I was younger.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raynaud_syndrome

[–] MagicShel@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 day ago

ER is for treating emergencies. If they look into an symptom and it's not something life threatening or similarly serious, they are just going to tell you to follow up with your primary care physician. Do that. Just because it's a serious issue for you doesn't make it a medical emergency, right?

Like if you get cancer, the ER isn't going to do an emergency operation, they are going to tell you to get an oncologist and even though that's life threatening for you, you aren't going to die tomorrow or in the next week so that's a problem for a specialist not an ER.

You have to work the system. Good luck, fren.

[–] MTK@lemmy.world 17 points 1 day ago

Get it checked! I'm not talking about your privates. Get your circulation issues checked! Don't take no for an answer and if a doctor down plays it, find another. This is very very serious.
As for sex. if sex is the ocean then the penis is the beach, as humans the beach is the way to the ocean, it is where we do 95% of our ocean activities, we see the beach and the ocean as a one. But what do fish see? For fish the ocean is the whole world and the beach is just where the land is. In this metaphor you can see how blinded humans are to the small part the beach is to the ocean, just like males tend to be blind to how there is so much more to sex than a the penis. As a male I can tell you that I had sexual encounters that my penis did not participate in, they were awesome and satisfying for both parties. Be creative, learn from others that might have already faced this way before you (ie lasbians, males with ed, males with micro-penis, etc) You really can have a great time for both sides with no penis involvement, just open your mind and give it some time.

[–] Horsey@lemmy.world 8 points 1 day ago

No bullshit, sexual function is an incredibly accurate indicator of cardiovascular health, and good mental health. Get checked, change your diet, take walks while you consume media on your phone, work up to a regular gym routine. Yes you can do it at any age. No it does not work overnight. Yes it’s a pain in the ass. It works though 🙂

[–] yumpsuit@lemmy.world 28 points 1 day ago

I see edit 2 and you ain’t in the ER yet homie!! Get the fuck in there and we’ll talk when you get back if they don’t solve your mystery.

Super briefly, Long COVID can cause clotting shit that a bunch of society wants to overlook, and damage to the erectile tissue can come with unlucky COVID infections as well. Just keep that in your head for the moment.

Now fucking go. All our hope is with you and your future boners.

[–] MissJinx@lemmy.world 40 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Look as I said above this is an emergency please go to the ER now.

But... even if you loose your dick there are lots of disabled people that have love and even kids. It's more about personality. Believe me a healthy relationship does not depend on penetration. There are a lot of other ways to enjoy and even if you really want it there are implants and technologies to make this possible (believe me my grampanwas 95 when he had an implant because he couldn't use viagra anymore. )

Edit: It's important to be alive to have a relationship or sex. go to the er

[–] ThatGuy46475@lemmy.world 7 points 1 day ago

As long as your tongue works

[–] Wahots@pawb.social 14 points 1 day ago

All stuff outside the ER (which you should definitely be seeing if you are losing circulation to core organs and extremities).

Of course you can still have a relationship, haha. Some people aren't really even into penetrative sex. And if you are, there's medicines that can help, and Bad Dragon even makes a handful of special wearables that give you a.... superstructure even if you are floppy (not compatible with condoms, just fyi). Also, even though you are hetero, getting penetrated with toys can also be incredibly fun once you work up to it. Don't discount other avenues for pleasure as you are sitting (lol) on a gold mine even if you do have problems getting it up. It's one of those IRL lifehacks that they don't tell you about in health class.

Anyways, sex should be the least of your worries right now. You'll be fine whatever comes to pass, though. :)

[–] limer@lemmy.dbzer0.com 17 points 2 days ago

OP please do emergency health care! I’m older and have seen people complain of this, I know you say weeks, and not days, but that does not make it better.

[–] i_dont_want_to@lemmy.blahaj.zone 18 points 2 days ago

I am dating a trans woman. Her parts similarly don't function (but it's due to the HRT).

I can't speak on what might help it come back, but I can tell you there is plenty of sex you can do without an erection.

I am assuming you're straight. (Man only interested in women.) It might be more challenging to find a straight woman that would be open to working with this, but it's not impossible to find a woman that would love it. The best thing you can do is be confident in who you are, what you have to offer, and your worthiness as a person. (This is sexy no matter your identity.)

If you're also interested in men, I hear there are some men that don't use their penis at all. I don't know a whole lot about that, so hopefully someone else can chime in if you indeed also like men.

I spoiler'd some more graphic descriptions of sex acts, if you're open to ideas.

sex stuff here

There's lots of stuff you can do without a penis. The stuff you've probably thought of, like oral or fingering. There is also something called tribbing. In your case, this is where genitals would rub together. She might straddle you, or you might get between her legs and grind up on her.

Sex toys are pretty damn great. You can use a dildo, hold it or use one as a strap on. You don't even need to strap it to your crotch. You could even strap it to your thigh and let her ride that. For people that need the extra mobility, there are dildos with holes in the base you can attach to a handle.

Lastly, there are hollow dildos you can put over your own penis. It might feel affirming to you.

But there is more than just dildos. Vibrators are great. You might know about the regular penis shaped vibrators (vibrating dildos, they can be good), stick vibrators (meh), rabbit vibrators (meh), and wand vibrators (Hitachi type, great!) There are also small vibrators that are really versatile. You can use them alone, or put them in your strap on for stimulation for yourself while you're penetrating someone with the strap. Don't be shy with vibrators, they're great on penises too.

I kind of focused on the partner, but let's not forget about you. I'm not sure about your numbness, but depending on that situation, you might still find pleasure from oral.

If you haven't already, you might also explore anal. If you're straight, it will not make you gay, promise! Always flared base. Look up resources on how to work your way up to something bigger. You have a prostate, which makes anal very pleasurable for some men.

It can be limiting to think of sex as penis in vagina, ends when the man orgasms. It can be so much more! Explore your partner's body. Watch their body react to your touch. Find out what drives them crazy. Help them do the same for you. End on your terms. When you both have orgasmed? When each person signals they're done? It's all up to you.

Good luck!

[–] CyberTaco@lemmy.world 14 points 2 days ago

Lesbians have enjoyable sex all the time, and a penis typically isn't involved at all! If yours won't behave, just treat it like it's no big deal, and continue to have fun using other parts (your mouth and fingers come right to mind), and make sure everyone involved has a good time anyway.

With a new partner, right before it's time to get down with them for the first time, it's a good idea to ask if they've ever been with anyone with ED, and if not, just explain real quick that:

If it misbehaves, it's no big deal; you're still having a good time, you don't want to stop, and you'll just use other parts to make sure they end up satisfied in the end.
No matter what, it's not about them, it's a physical issue. It's exactly like how they no matter how much they want to, they simply can't can't lift and throw a car. It's a physical limitation, not a desire problem.
If you end up having to do some DIY at the end, their participation isn't required, but certainly would be welcomed. [Which in this case means you jacking off once you've gotten them off, and having them help you in some way like making out with you, riding your face while you do it, rub you all over, etc, whatever would enhance that for you.]

Then get to it. 😁

[–] sexy_peach@feddit.org 10 points 1 day ago

Yes there's people out the like 100x weirder. You'll be fine in a relationship.

Not saying every person is a good match for you, but that was true before.

[–] ocean@lemmy.selfhostcat.com 12 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

One, what the heck! I really hope you can get an appointment earlier. You don’t deserve this. Can you branch out to look for more places?

Two, you know the answer but it’s still a real fear! Of course there is a person out there who can love you no matter what. A relationship doesn’t have to have sex and there are plenty of other ways to have sex without penetration.

Edit also random thought while you’re waiting you should try to find a Chinese traditional doctor. I feel like male blood flow is something they would be pros at!

[–] dbbljack@lemmy.world 11 points 2 days ago

Hey brother, get to a doctor.

Also, hands and mouth. I've got similar problems. Hands and mouth do wonders

[–] 0x01@lemmy.ml 7 points 2 days ago

Many women would prefer a relationship without penetration, for some women penetration can be painful without proper warmup and many men are frankly terrible about it.

This is likely less of an issue than you fear.

[–] KMAMURI@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Something like this happened to me. I am much older however. It wasn't the exact circumstance but a bad deal none the less. Turned out I had a cancerous spinal tumor that was misdiagnosed repeatedly. Go to the doctor. Be sure your problems are what you think they are. If you're waiting forever and it gets worse go back. If no one listens find a new doctor.

[–] Itsamelemmy@lemmy.zip 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I had the discs in my neck swollen losing the gap between your spinal cord and the vertebra. I fell and this caused a bruising of my spinal cord. Same exact symptoms. Started slowly, by the time I had surgery I could barely walk due to the loss of feeling everywhere except right around my heart.

Absolutely, find a Dr that will take you serious and figure out what's wrong.

[–] KMAMURI@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

This was my exact circumstance. The tumor grew into my spinal column and collapsed it almost completely. I lost my ability to walk and had to relearn.

[–] Ledericas@lemm.ee 4 points 1 day ago

i heard some men have rare conditions, that basically cuts off flow to penis area, or forms scars that prevents erection, yea you need to see one asap.

[–] Sterile_Technique@lemmy.world 6 points 2 days ago (1 children)

So, if your doc hasn't already discussed stuff like this with you, you've got a shitty doc. But, 100% there are treatments for that.

I'm a surgical tech, so my brain always jumps straight to the surgical option - there are probably things to try first, but just in case nothing else works and your vasculature really insists on being a... well, dick; there are still options:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/penile-implants/about/pac-20384916

I've been in a few of those surgeries, and it's literally just putting a balloon in the chambers that usually fill with blood to produce an erection. You fill the balloon manually from an internal reservoir when to get it up; then release the pressure back into the reservoir when you're all done.

In any case, sexual health is part of health: don't let social anxiety or fear of awkward or anything like that get in the way.

And if you go the surgical route, FOLLOW YOU PRE AND POST OP INSTRUCTIONS TO THE T!!! I've also done a revision of one of those implants cuz our patient didn't keep himself clean during the immediate post op period, and got an infection that is the stuff of nightmares. Definitely don't be that guy.

[–] thegr8goldfish@startrek.website 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Having an erection on demand button sounds wrought with hazards of it's own design.

[–] Sterile_Technique@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

There are definitely risks, hence the infection warning at the end there. Mechanically speaking, it's pretty simple... think of like a pump action squirt gun 'super soaker' or w/e from when you were a kid, except the end of the gun loops back into the tank it pulls from: so you push the mechanism to build up pressure, then pull the trigger to release that pressure.

Instead of pump it's a button over a one way valve that's on the reservoir that hangs out in your scrotum like a 3rd testicle. That's filled with a few mL's of saline, and when you press the button it squirts the saline into prosthetic balloons that match the shape of your corpora cavernosa - the two chambers that run the length of your shaft that normally fill with blood to enable fun times. Anyway, push the button until it's hard, engage in fun times, then push another button that's basically just another one way valve to release all the saline back into the reservoir. Everything is internal - you feel the buttons through the skin of your scrotum.

There are pictures (animated - nothing gory or anything... it does depict a penis and this is a sfw thread, so I won't direct-post it here, but it's about as sfw as a picture of a penis can be... high-school health class textbook type of image) in the link I posted down toward the bottom of the page if you're curious.

I always thought it was kinda cool - we can restore a pretty significant part of someone's life with just a couple balloons, tubes, and some saline, and it's not like most prosthetics where we're replacing something (i.e., total knee replacement uses a prosthetic femoral head and tibial plateau, but before we can place those, we break out a powered saw, and things like a hammer and chisel to cut out the original femoral head and tibial plateau... it's gory as fuck). The penile prosthesis just kinda sits in space that the body already provides.

[–] MagicShel@lemmy.zip 5 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

I'm fifty. Always was virile as fuck, you know. Had some wild times in my thirties and early forties. Three years ago it fell off a cliff. Still have an active sex life, it just often doesn't end in a climax for me. And... it sucks for both of us. But it is what it is. More focus on sensuality. Touch still feels good.

She's hitting perimenopause and she's having issues from her end of things as well, so I guess the timing worked out for us.

Point is, you can have a relationship, even a sexual relationship, without full function. It's just different. Good luck, mate.

[–] tinkling4938@lemmynsfw.com 3 points 1 day ago

Not a doctor, just sharing some anecdotes.

https://fridayplans.com/ - Fill out a form and a doctor reviews and you get a prescription to Viagra or Cialis. I personally do the 20mg Cialis and quarter the pills to tale 5mg/day. Been great for my ED. Cialis isn't as strong as Viagra but it lasts longer. Taking it the way I do I'm pretty much ready to go anytime. The 20mg is for every 3 days, but I take one over the course of 4 days. So I'll take an extra 5mg every once in awhile before sex for a little extra boost. I didn't have to talk or chat to anyone. I have read if you put any heart conditions on the form you may have to though.

Now my wife has medical conditions that makes intercourse pretty infrequent. Coupled with the ED, penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex was only happening a few times a year. Similar to you, once the intensity dropped, I'd go limp. She couldn't go intense. It was causing a lot of marital issues. Femdom ended up being the thing that saved it. She keeps me in chastity. Sex now is mostly going down on her and pegging for me. When I couldn't get it up, she was loving the (consensual) humiliation aspect of teasing me about my ED. I rarely have orgasms now but the connection felt being intimate is just as satisfying. I started the Cialis after the fact just to have the option for PIV sex. We still haven't had regular sex despite being on it for months. Point is, there are women out there that enjoy alternative forms of sex.

[–] deur@feddit.nl 4 points 2 days ago

The right partner might expect certain things that are typical, but will love you for who you are. Go to a ER and make them figure out what's wrong with your circulation.