Ask Lemmy

Two days is not ghosting if they're busy or struggling.

Personality and relationship/closeness matters, as well as expectations.

Ghosting can be disappointing and can be hurtful.

Depends. Someone toxic that doesn't respect boundaries? Absolutely. A good friend for no reason? No.

I used to talk to this girl on some random app in the early days of social media. We became good friends and would facetime every other day and got to know each other pretty well. This went on for probably about 2 years. She even began to have feelings for me.

At some point, I decided to completely ghost her. The truth is I got this idea in my head that talking to girls on the internet was sad and desperate. But I didn't want to tell her the truth.

She tried calling me and texting me but I never replied. Even about 6 months later she tried calling me out of the blue, but again I ignored the call.

To this day she still doesn't know why I just disappeared on her. It was a horrible thing to do and I'm not proud of it. Ghosting is almost always cruel unless you have a very good reason for it.

In no way would I consider read for 2 days as ghosting

For this post let’s assume the people involved are or were in the past friends, and ghosting is leaving someone on “read” for more than 2 days.

This doesn't match how I'm used to seeing ghosting defined.

That behavior might be unfriendly, but there are a ton of innocuous reasons people do it. People are busy and not every message merits a prompt reply. If someone sends me something that requires more time or attention than I have at that moment like a video or news article, I'm likely to make a mental note to look at it later. I might actually remember, and then remember to send a reply about it. I might not.

It's maybe a little rude not to respond to something more important or time-sensitive, but I can always ask again or use something more synchronous like a voice call. People are busy, life happens, tech can be unreliable. It's best not to assume intentional disrespect.

My understanding of the term "ghosting" is permanent or long-term cessation of communication over all channels without explanation. That should be reserved for situations where someone is a physical danger or behaved in a manner so egregious they almost certainly know what they did.

I got to be good friends with someone I met at work and we gamed online when we could. We'd be playing a game, and he would always get so angry, raging at the game into the mic (I'm the only one listening, mind you), actually getting angry at a video game. I would find it amusing at first, but it became exhausting after a while, so I would find other games to play or just go invisible on Steam. He'd call me every so often, asking what's up or if I was playing that night, but I'd find other things to do or say I wasn't playing much anymore. I really hate lying to people.

It wasn't until years later he started getting assault weapons, talking conservatively, and becoming toxic in general. I decided to ghost him because I felt I couldn't trust him anymore. It's really too bad, as he was a nice guy at first, but something changed in him and it gave me an icky feeling. I suppose it's for the better, as I have no idea how he would have handled my transition.

It's cowardly behavor that dehumanizes people.

I've always associated the term with the online dating arena. However, I've lost touch with people after moving cities, or having various life changes occur (sobriety etc.), is that ghosting? I've had to go no contact with a few ex partners and friends for mental health and safety purposes, is that ghosting? I have adhd inattentive and occasionally respond in my head to a text message but unintentionally fail to respond in actuality, is that ghosting?

The definition seems to depend on the recipient to a large degree. A lot of folks here are saying "you have to communicate or it's cruel/cowardly/sociopathic"(yikes to that last one btw). Well, I recently had to end a friendship and I communicated to them, as kindly and as clearly as I could, that things had run their course. I did not ignore them or suddenly cut them off, I communicated. They didn't like what I had to say, and went a little bonkers, so I blocked them and now their story is that I ghosted them. Idk, it seems to be a slippery term in my experience.

I've never felt offended by someone losing touch with me or by getting busy with life etc. Life happens, things and people change, it seems natural to me that a lot of relationships have expiration dates to various degrees. The only times I've had people aburptly end communication with me was when I'd said or done something egregious and I don't fault them for it. That only happened back in my drinking days, I've not had it happen since getting sober ten years ago. In my experience, which is by no means universal, if someone abruptly cuts you off, it may be time to take a step back and examine your behavior and/or expectations. And if it turns out they were just a shit person, then let them ghost, good riddance.

with today's overwhelming and constant information and notification overload

If that’s the reason, I think there’s an issue with managing notifications. Limit them to important people and there won’t be much more mental clutter than in the past.

Ghosting people for other reasons if completely fine though and is not the same at all as ignoring them in real life.

ghosting is leaving someone on “read” for more than 2 days.

This is totally normal behavior. People are busy. Sometimes they read your message and say to themselves "I see this now, but I'm feeling stressed and busy right now - I'll reply later when I can write a good response." But then later happens, and it turns out they are tired and forgetful.

Especially if you are just trying to have a casual conversation - people will treat these messages as lower priority and also as requiring more emotional energy, since the conversation isn't urgent but they don't want to write dismissive one word responses.

I recommend:

1. Send texts primarily to exchange information or make arrangements to meet.
2. If you want to have a conversation, either meet in person or have a phone call.
3. If a person has failed to respond to a text, then wait until the next time you have some reason to contact them - which could be as simple as "I want to talk to them". At which point, text them the info you need to give to them and/or pitch a time to meet up or have a phone call. If they don't respond to this, I tend to follow up with a snarky "HellooOOOoooo". And then if they don't respond to that, a sincere message asking if they are okay. If they still don't respond to that, depending on the friendship, I may either write them off, or ask mutual friends what is going on.

It's immature. Just say you're taking a break from messaging right now.

Double goes for dating. If you get ghosted by someone, probably a good thing, because they aren't relationship material yet.

Sometimes you’re overwhelmed, and that’s ok, if the person is toxic then it’s ok to ghost them. However, if you just don’t enjoy their conversation, or have better things to do, as an adult you have the moral obligation to let them know you’re not going to be responding. It’s as easy as “I’m busy so won’t be able to respond to messages as frequently”. It’s not hard, and it’s nice, and it keeps people from feeling sad. If they react to that message in a bad way then that’s on them.

Edit(this does depend on communication style though, I have some friends that we just send each other messages every few months like pen pals in days of yore)

Assuming they're simply friends;

2 days...not a big deal. You're friends not partners. They have their own priorities and probably was in the middle of something when they read it and forgot. Bit crappy if they do it often, but thats how some people are.

2 weeks...if you texted them a few times, and know they're alive via other means, than yeah something happended that lead to the ignore you. Could be something in their personal life changed, or its you.

2 months...try to connect via mutual friends, attempt to learn why they're ghosting you

2 years...they're not your friend anymore, leave them alone.

(Also turn off read receipts, that shit is toxic)

It can be very rude, but occasionally is understandable or even necessary. For example, if you're not sure that someone is a threat to you, feelings might get hurt, but ghosting is a very fair play. But if you just can't be bothered to let someone know you're not interested, you are a jerk for leaving them hanging.

I dont think the act is inherently good or bad. It's the 'why' that really counts with this angle.

Edit: after reading the body of the post (bad habit lol) I wouldn't say that's a huge deal. 2 days on read ime often means they're either busy or aren't sure how they'd like to respond for any number of reasons. 2 weeks tho, I might be a bit offended or hurt. Some people are just like that tho, so it depends on what I know of their typical patterns.

I've got one friend who I've known since childhood and have left on read the last couple weeks, not because I dont like him or want to talk to him, but because we just kind of burn each other out in certain ways. He does the same with me for periods too, but we always eventually get back to chatting and hanging out again. We're just not each other's favorite flavor, even if we enjoy a taste here and there, if that makes sense. Neither of us thinks of it as ghosting so much as putting the bookmark in and getting back to things when the time is right on both ends, and that's just how our dynamic seems to work best.

Well,

Eh. I get it. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Unless you've been dating for like 8 months or something

Not a fan. Really ruins the whole multiplayer experience when people do that.

Since many have already answered to OP, I will ask another version of question similar to this.

What kind of ghosting is this when people only text you when you text them first? And when you don't, the conversation never happens again?

I guess it depends on how you define ghosting and the expectations you want to set with some people. For instance, I recently didn’t notice someone sent me a message a few weeks prior, so when I noticed it I responded right away.

If it’s family I doubt there’s a big expectation to always reply over text. If it’s close friends, sometimes people are just not in the right space to give a good reply so they might not have an answer. If it’s someone you barely know, I think it can be a bit hurtful to building a bond with them.

I regularly have ghosted people for weeks or months though as I’ve gotten older, but that’s more because I’m overwhelmed more. Idk if people want to talk I’m always open for a call, but texting isn’t my focus these days.

Not good. Done it a few times in my life, and I hate myself for it. I was in the recieving end for a while, like 5 years. It feels awful, specially if you are dealing with insecurities.

It depends the expectations, aka how those 2 hypothetical persons are used to communicate together. Any change in said habits may trigger questions but that is still very subjective and, to me at least, it also seems to be a little bit too emotional in that theoretical example you briefly described.

Imho, a better reaction would be

1. to wait (its not a matter of life an death, right? And if it was one better be contacting a doctor or the police)
2. to ask the other if there is anything wrong going on and, if so, if there is anything one could do to help them. Instead of instantly jumping to any conclusion regarding their real secret motivations for not immediately answering a message... that more often than not is probably not that important to begin with.

If that helps you worry a little less: I may spend days before replying any message. It may be weeks or more than that, before I reply some emails. And btw, that’s true for those odd people that, somehow are still willing to exchange with me despite me apparently being so rude with them: they’re treating me as rudely as I am. Save that we don’t call that being rude, we call that being ok with not being the center of the other's life because, well, we are not ;)

Also, it’s ok to not stay 'friends’ forever. Things and people change and so will their interests. We all can change.

Edit: rephrasing