Ask Lemmy

Both.

it's being offended for the sake of being offended.

i notice the people who complain about ghosting in online dating apps... almost always do it to me.

we had 'ghosting' in the 90s and 2000s too. we just didn't use that term for it. you'd go out with someone and they'd ignore your calls or avoid you in school. the message was clear.

I used to talk to this girl on some random app in the early days of social media. We became good friends and would facetime every other day and got to know each other pretty well. This went on for probably about 2 years. She even began to have feelings for me.

At some point, I decided to completely ghost her. The truth is I got this idea in my head that talking to girls on the internet was sad and desperate. But I didn't want to tell her the truth.

She tried calling me and texting me but I never replied. Even about 6 months later she tried calling me out of the blue, but again I ignored the call.

To this day she still doesn't know why I just disappeared on her. It was a horrible thing to do and I'm not proud of it. Ghosting is almost always cruel unless you have a very good reason for it.

For this post let’s assume the people involved are or were in the past friends, and ghosting is leaving someone on “read” for more than 2 days.

This doesn't match how I'm used to seeing ghosting defined.

That behavior might be unfriendly, but there are a ton of innocuous reasons people do it. People are busy and not every message merits a prompt reply. If someone sends me something that requires more time or attention than I have at that moment like a video or news article, I'm likely to make a mental note to look at it later. I might actually remember, and then remember to send a reply about it. I might not.

It's maybe a little rude not to respond to something more important or time-sensitive, but I can always ask again or use something more synchronous like a voice call. People are busy, life happens, tech can be unreliable. It's best not to assume intentional disrespect.

My understanding of the term "ghosting" is permanent or long-term cessation of communication over all channels without explanation. That should be reserved for situations where someone is a physical danger or behaved in a manner so egregious they almost certainly know what they did.

I got to be good friends with someone I met at work and we gamed online when we could. We'd be playing a game, and he would always get so angry, raging at the game into the mic (I'm the only one listening, mind you), actually getting angry at a video game. I would find it amusing at first, but it became exhausting after a while, so I would find other games to play or just go invisible on Steam. He'd call me every so often, asking what's up or if I was playing that night, but I'd find other things to do or say I wasn't playing much anymore. I really hate lying to people.

It wasn't until years later he started getting assault weapons, talking conservatively, and becoming toxic in general. I decided to ghost him because I felt I couldn't trust him anymore. It's really too bad, as he was a nice guy at first, but something changed in him and it gave me an icky feeling. I suppose it's for the better, as I have no idea how he would have handled my transition.

with today's overwhelming and constant information and notification overload

If that’s the reason, I think there’s an issue with managing notifications. Limit them to important people and there won’t be much more mental clutter than in the past.

Ghosting people for other reasons if completely fine though and is not the same at all as ignoring them in real life.

It's immature. Just say you're taking a break from messaging right now.

Double goes for dating. If you get ghosted by someone, probably a good thing, because they aren't relationship material yet.

Assuming they're simply friends;

2 days...not a big deal. You're friends not partners. They have their own priorities and probably was in the middle of something when they read it and forgot. Bit crappy if they do it often, but thats how some people are.

2 weeks...if you texted them a few times, and know they're alive via other means, than yeah something happended that lead to the ignore you. Could be something in their personal life changed, or its you.

2 months...try to connect via mutual friends, attempt to learn why they're ghosting you

2 years...they're not your friend anymore, leave them alone.

(Also turn off read receipts, that shit is toxic)

It can be very rude, but occasionally is understandable or even necessary. For example, if you're not sure that someone is a threat to you, feelings might get hurt, but ghosting is a very fair play. But if you just can't be bothered to let someone know you're not interested, you are a jerk for leaving them hanging.

I dont think the act is inherently good or bad. It's the 'why' that really counts with this angle.

Edit: after reading the body of the post (bad habit lol) I wouldn't say that's a huge deal. 2 days on read ime often means they're either busy or aren't sure how they'd like to respond for any number of reasons. 2 weeks tho, I might be a bit offended or hurt. Some people are just like that tho, so it depends on what I know of their typical patterns.

I've got one friend who I've known since childhood and have left on read the last couple weeks, not because I dont like him or want to talk to him, but because we just kind of burn each other out in certain ways. He does the same with me for periods too, but we always eventually get back to chatting and hanging out again. We're just not each other's favorite flavor, even if we enjoy a taste here and there, if that makes sense. Neither of us thinks of it as ghosting so much as putting the bookmark in and getting back to things when the time is right on both ends, and that's just how our dynamic seems to work best.

It depends the expectations, aka how those 2 hypothetical persons are used to communicate together. Any change in said habits may trigger questions but that is still very subjective and, to me at least, it also seems to be a little bit too emotional in that theoretical example you briefly described.

Imho, a better reaction would be

1. to wait (its not a matter of life an death, right? And if it was one better be contacting a doctor or the police)
2. to ask the other if there is anything wrong going on and, if so, if there is anything one could do to help them. Instead of instantly jumping to any conclusion regarding their real secret motivations for not immediately answering a message... that more often than not is probably not that important to begin with.

If that helps you worry a little less: I may spend days before replying any message. It may be weeks or more than that, before I reply some emails. And btw, that’s true for those odd people that, somehow are still willing to exchange with me despite me apparently being so rude with them: they’re treating me as rudely as I am. Save that we don’t call that being rude, we call that being ok with not being the center of the other's life because, well, we are not ;)

Also, it’s ok to not stay 'friends’ forever. Things and people change and so will their interests. We all can change.

Edit: rephrasing

Not good. Done it a few times in my life, and I hate myself for it. I was in the recieving end for a while, like 5 years. It feels awful, specially if you are dealing with insecurities.

Ghosting is a sign of a dishonest relationship. If someone ghosts you, recognize they had a deep issue and it had fuck-all to do with you. If you ghost someone unwarrantedly the opposite is true: you're exhibiting cruel, sociopathic behavior, even if you feel bad about it.

Tell people things with your words. It is important to not leave people hanging. It does psychological damage and pretending it doesn't makes you a sufferer.

It's a de facto standard behaviour I've come to expect. I shrug my shoulders and move on.

I think there are a couple of things to pick apart here. First off, the main question:

Would you equate it to a person ignoring you irl or is ignoring a text different?

Yes, I would equate it to that. But as ignoring someone in real life, context matters.

For this post let's assume the people involved are or were in the past friends

Are or were? Because that's a very important distinction. Because if you are friends, that's a pretty nasty thing to do. If you're friends, you're most likely important in their life. Ghosting can be especially hurtful in that kind of situation, because they trusted and maybe even relied on you to a certain extent.

If you were friends, why are you not friends anymore? Did you just drift apart? Than it's not great to ghost them. Them texting you can mean that you're still important to them and that they would like to actively work on mending your friendship. If you don't want the friendship anymore, say it. And if they don't accept it, then you can ghost them. Did you cut off the friendship because they were abusive? Are they bombarding you with messages or trying to compel you to do something? Then go right ahead and ghost them.

Do you consider ghosting people a reasonable way to deal with today's overwhelming and constant information and notification overload?

If a friend or a former friend messaging you (normally, I'm not talking about bombarding you with messages here) is a part of your constant information and notification overload, that's a problem in and of itself. Take a look at what is part of that notification and information overload. What is important for you and what can you do without? I would think, for instance, that messages from friends are more important than notifications from social media (including the notification you may have gotten from this reply). Take some time to filter that out. And if you really have too many notifications from friends and feel the need to cut down on the number of friends, first off consider if it's really the case and you're not running the danger of isolating yourself (take a good look at this, it is way too easy to ignore or not notice but can have serious consequences), and then talk with the affected friend directly and explain your situation. At least then they know what's going on and you were fair to them.

Obviously, everyone is free to do as they wish provided that it doesn't harm others.

Someone can choose to ghost you if they so choose, but of course you might feel offended at that which is fine too.

I don't like it, but I understand.

I've always found that a solid exorcist helps a lot with ghosting. It's important to get a good one though. A bad exorcist can actually increase ghosting.